Today was a really beautiful day for the simple fact that it included sunshine and flip flops on March 30th. People of all ages shed their black clothes for bright ones and the color palette once again included hot pink, frog green, and the yellow of a chick's down. It was nice.

I kept my mind on other things than the breakup and it seemed to go alright until in my more silent moments.. I did a lot of class and chatting with people about different things. This one girl actually came to me about a serious problem and I was able to provide her with good counsel, which made me feel good about myself.. I really like doing that. And now she's alright, which makes me even happier for her. Then I went to read the articles for RA class. One was a personal account of a black female lesbian which went into some detail about her experience with finding out she was a lesbian at an HBCU. She wasn't well accepted (duh, the Black community is notoriously heinous when it comes to the idea of homosexuality. there's very little tolerance for it) and her personal space was trashed by her own roommate. It was a little disconcerting to read, but what stuck with me even more was the way she described her experience with finding her lover whose name (in the story) was Love. She talked about the things they did together (I came across the word "nipples" and the word "pussy" appeared twice) in such a provocative way. Maybe I was a little turned on, but I think it was more a little weirded out mainly. I still am not sure where I fit in with the whole thing.. I know I am definitely very attracted to men, but the idea of an encounter like that is exciting. It's so hard to sort out my feelings about it into neat little packages.

And it gets more difficult when it comes to placing myself into a category around my peers. I assume all of them are straight because when we've done exercises that have asked us to identify that's where they've all gone.. I dunno if I'm the only one who's been conflicted about that labelling rather recently (cuz until then I've kept my attraction to women as my dirty little sexual secret) and I don't want them to know and judge me negatively or as some token since I'm a minority in three respects now.. Geez society is so needlessly complicated.

I'm a little lonely and remembering what it was like to come home and chat with Josh daily about how our days were and send little love notes was so nice. I don't know what will ever take the place of that in my life.. It is comforting to know that my family cares about me a great deal, and my friends would never let me forget that there are people I'm not related to who care about me. I couldn't be more thankful for that and I'll take every chance I get to remind myself of that fact so that I don't get down in the dumps again. Cuz this summer is gonna be busy with no time for moping. If I'm alone I will definitely make it okay.

And masturbation is going to come in extremely handy--pun intended. ;-)

I gotta go do some more homework, so later.

I feel like throwing up.. my roommate was watching this show about plastic surgery and how it changed this girl's life on MTV.. I wish she wouldn't watch crap like that.. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me or my life but it just makes me feel shitty to find out how great ppls lives are after they get work done. It makes me feel like no matter what how nice you look naturally you still need work done to be perfect and you're never good enough.

But that's just me ranting.

Anyway, I said goodbye to my romantic relationship with Josh for the sixth and final time (I dunno if that count is accurate at all) and I feel like throwing up. I wanted to cry a little earlier but instead I went outside and wrote some stuff down until I felt better.. then I basically tried to keep myself occupied until I could calm down. Now I just feel like going to bed and sleeping until late tomorrow and not really caring about anything but that of course is impossible. I still have to put forth effort in my studies so that at the end of the year, when I'm in the mood to care, I can actually show that this year was useful. I doubt I'll get a good grade out of the lab that I have work due for, but ah well.

I don't feel like killing myself, but I do feel sad. And to be honest I really didn't expect to feel that way. Josh still wants to chat and everything but I don't want to.. not because I do'nt want to be friends but I don't want to end up back in a stagnating relationship because that's not enough for me. It's time to move into life's next phase. And so I'm gonna do that by taking an hour or so nap. Later.

buy me this. that is all.

Spring has arrived

As the coldness of winter melts to a leukwarm late March spring, the smell of the grass and the way the sun spreads warm honey over everything it touches makes my heart ache for summer. There's limitless possibility in this, the moment before summer's kiss, when your heart's tempo is set to excited expectation. I kind of miss the uncertainty and the heat, and the way everyone shucks layer after hopeless layer of dead skin from their souls and starts fresh.

I want to be free for summer, free to focus on what needs to be done for the next phase of my life. Right now I'm like stagnant, tepid water just waiting things out, and I know that this will be over soon. And then the time will come when I'll have to decide where to live, what to do, who to trust and where to go for the next three years in one moment. It'll all work out though.

~~~~

I spent the first half of this weekend hanging out at home, not doing much of anything. Late Saturday night I drove out to Josh's to spend the night and spend Easter with him and his family. It ended up being fun and I felt I looked kind of foxxy, but who knows. My shoes were awesome despite the ankle strap that I was wearing tightly enough that it wouldn't fall off. But it all worked out, you know? Anywho... I think Josh's friends are over at his house tonight, which is weird considering I just left him, and I'm tempted to say something... but I don't know what to say or how to think.
I spent time talking with some friends about our relationship and one mentioned that every time I talked about him I seemed sad. I didn't know that, but maybe there is some truth to it. I do spend much of my time wishing for something more and it's unfair to him to be consistently and constantly unhappy when there's nothing to be done in the long run. My friend also said that I might just be holding on to a relationship that provides me comfort despite the fact that either of or both of us might have grown apart from one another. And I was like, whoa, that's insightful. But I don't know what to say or how to feel. My world is always self-complicated.

My RA class is having an assignment where we wear a gay ally button and see if people comment on it and what they say. This comes after I've had the conversation with my facilitator David about being bisexual.. ironically enough this was scheduled into the syllabus long before our conversation, or so he said. I find it really odd. But anyway, I wear rainbow stuff all the time cuz I like rainbow.. I never thought it might affiliate me with the LGBT community.. weird. Anyways, we'll see how it goes on Wednesday. Believe me, if I am bisexual, I have no intention of telling my fellow RAs, no matter how nice they are about it, cuz I'm toooootally still in the closet.

Guess that's it. Wish me luck with the rest of this week; it's jam-packed with lots of fun scheduled for the next few days. Later.

Dunno what to say to you guys lately.. Lots of stuff has been going on internally, but to the outside world all I've been is sound and fury with no substance. I suppose that's how they see me most of the time anyway, though.

I've had lots of meetings for the RA class and also some regarding my recent incident with the suicide contemplation/attempt and also LGBT issues. I suppose that it's all been making me crazy and I'm feeling totally marginalized even more as a black woman who's now considering whether or not she's bi? I mean, damn, do I need anymore discrimination? I think not.

Anyway, I thought I was alone in thinking that sexuality is fluid and changes as you get older, but it turns out that several people have said the exact same thing to me over the past few days. Wow. How does stuff like that happen? I just dunno. But anyways, besides questioning, I've also been doing a little sleuthing on LGBT informational websites. I thought most of this stuff was a load of crap, but then maybe I was forcing myself into the little box marked, "Laura" that I'd made for myself so many years ago. Gay people are cool, though. Most of the time they don't rub your own stupidity in your face like a lot of 'hetero's do.

I just want to be alone for a little while, actually, but I know this is the only time I'll get to be independent before I go home and back to the parental rules that restrain me so much. Ah well. And another big minus is that this is the last month that I can see Josh, and I can't even see him this coming weekend cuz I got shit to do. I find myself wishing things were different for us both.. maybe there's a little resentment there... I just feel so bad expressing it because I know he does want to be with me and maybe we're having the same types of problems, but i just get so upset at thinking I'm graduating in a year and if all goes as planned we'll be back where we started with me back in IL and him here in MI. I wish he had finished and gotten a job, or a car, or a place, or all those adult things we're supposed to do when we get older. I haven't done them yet but I do feel like I've stretched myself to the limit for "us", you know?

I am such a complainer about Josh. It feels like with me there's always something wrong. *shakes her head at herself*

Anyways, umm.. I should have been in bed hours ago because I have to start work tomorrow morning bright and early at 8am. But I do get to sleep naked cuz my roommate's gone for the weekend. YAY naked sleeping!! So that's pretty much it. I'm out.

*sigh* This weekend was blissfully unproductive, for the most part, which is what I was seeking from it. I went to the meeting for my RA class project and since this one girl has the wonderful gift of inability to stay on task for longer than 5 minutes at a time, our meeting lasted about and hour and a half. We met at 7, though, which meant I was on the bus stop alone at night in the cold before I got out to see Josh. He and I ate, then made love and cuddled, then fell asleep. He napped with me a while then got up to play poker and stuff until he felt sleepy again and came back to bed. It was nice enough to give me unmemorable dreams, which is a good thing.

Saturday he had to work so I spent some time with his mom, aunts, and cousins. His cousins (more like his second cousins or something) are about 8 and 6 or so and they were out shopping in celebration of the oldest one's birthday. They absolutely hate to shop, though, so it was like pulling teeth to get them to try on stuff at the stores. It was quite adorable, though, and I ended up being embarrassed by Josh's mom who insisted that I had to leave at 3 to "see [my] honey". I wanted to sink into the floor at that comment. Oh boy. But I did have the best chai latte at Panera bread.. omg guys you must taste it--it's incredible.

Anyways I'm back here now and chilling/preparing for the hellish next few days to come. Got both a paper and the RA project due Wednesday, which is approaching more quickly than I imagined. Ah well; I'm sure it'll all work out.

I need to develop more drive, and I will begin to push myself harder in order to accomplish the things that need to be done. Starting with going to the gym, and including talking to my GSI about getting a C in orgo II lab. Send your determination vibes this way, thanks.

P.S. My roommate is a sweet girl, but she sets her alarm impossibly early (for her.. around 8am) and doesn't wake up until the alarm is going nuts.. then she presses the snooze button like 10 times (not an exaggeration, seriously!) until I want to strangle her with the cord and gag her with the alarm clock. The purpose of having an alarm clock is so you can wake up when it alarms. If you can't do that, then I dunno what to tell you... It certainly is annoying.

I'm sure one of the "Massa"s had Irish blood...

...so kiss me anyway cuz I'm probably Irish. To ward off those with fingers that itch to pinch, I decided to wear green. Bonus: it's my favorite color.

Funny thing about college is you see kids who normally wouldn't get up at 6am barring a final exam or, say, the apocalypse, stumbling about completely plastered from "kegs 'n' eggs". I mean, on my way to linguistics this morning I actually encountered some of my inebriated fellow schoolmates screaming across the diag and galavanting about in their green hats, green shirts, green pants, and shamrock leis at 10am!! It was a bit unsettling, but hey--whatever makes you happy, right?

I don't have anyplace to go this St. Patty's Day, so I'll be the designated driver. Maybe if you're good I'll also hold your hair back while you earl. But that may change, so if you call and I don't answer, just hike up that skirt a bit higher and stick out your thumb.

I'm off to more class meanwhile, though, so smell ya later and Slainte!

lovely scenario

I'd ring him up at his apartment and he'd buzz me in, waiting in the hall at the door of his place. He'd smile and close the door behind me and I would remove my coat and shoes, placing both by the door. We'd instinctively go to his room where he'd minimize the windows on his computer screen and I'd recline on his bed. Stretching out on the places where he lies nightly, I'd cuddle his pillow close and smell his hair and skin and feel a sense of calm and peace wrap me in warmth. He'd join me in bed, lying down beside me and extracting the pillow from my grasp. We would lie there, quietly, thinking about anything and everything until I'd cuddle close to him, smelling the masculine sweetness of his skin. As he pulled me close he would let out a sigh of satisfaction and lean closer to smell my hair, as usual. Feeling his breath tickle my scalp would set me off into a fit of giggles and I'd writhe in his arms until he kissed my forehead, making me raise my chin to allow for some of that attention to reach my lips. He'd kiss my nose, both cheeks and my chin and deny my lips that supreme pleasure just for fun/torture, and while I'd pout he would laugh, calling me a "silly girl". Finally, just as my exasperation convinced me to turn my back to him, he'd pull me back to face him and kiss me softly, briefly so I would want more. He'd know that such a kiss was only a tease. Once he had me begging for the feel of his soft lips against mine once more, he'd appease me with a deep, searching kiss that would call each nerve to attention. As I'd slide my hands over the scruffiness of his beard to tangle my fingers in his hair, he'd pull me even closer against him. He would break our kiss, to my reluctance, and arrange the blankets over us. When he returned to lie down beside me once more, I'd kiss his chin and cheeks and put my arms around him. By that time, though, he'd be ready for more than cuddling, so we'd make love without reserve, a little insensitive to the people upstairs...I'd have my arms around him, holding him close to me as possible, wanting to have him even closer than the physical limits our bodies allow. But he would have his face buried in my neck as he whispered to me, bringing me ever closer to our completion. I would tell him each way he overwhelmes my senses and, gasping for breath, tell him how much I love him. And I would open my eyes to see the look of pure elation on his face, that look that I just love. It's the one I always tell him about. When we finished we would rest, side by side, maybe holding hands in love's afterglow. And after we cooled down we'd take a nap in each other's arms, wearing nothing but our shirts. :) I sincerely hope that happens this weekend. I love you Josh

It wasn't quite hardcore studying last night, but it did involve me being outside after 11.. which I never do unless partying is involved, hehe.. Alright, I hope I ace this test which will be here in 4 hours and 15 minutes.. wish me luck!!

So fighting urges to let new people in on the sideshow that is my life.. but I've defintely learned that that only leads to heartache and me stifling my true feelings.

Anyways, today was kinda nice. I always enjoy days when I can get into my RA class with all the awesome people they've chosen. It's funny that I can relate to all of them on some level and we all get along. There's never before been a group of people among which there's no bad dynamic or failure to get along, and you can't know just how awesome that is unless you experience it for yourself.

Hmm.. I didn't do anything else this weekend but hang out and work earlier in the afternoon. Work wasn't hard or anything, and I actually helped out a few nice people and got to knock off early, yay. I offered to drive out to Josh's for the night but he would prefer not to see me again until Saturday or something, I'm guessing because he says he wants us to spend an entire day together. I'm personally of the opinion that any time spent together is precious and it sucks that he doesn't want to see me tonight.. But whatever. I mean, if I tried to punish him by not coming out this weekend it'd only end up being punishment for myself, so I'll just let it go. Stress should be saved for the upcoming law school apps, hehe.

I withdrew from orgo II but I still have to study for the lab exam on Tuesday night. It'll be a huge load off my shoulders once it's over, assuming I do well on it. Still don't know what to study, but that shouldn't be a problem if I go to the SLC sometime before then. It'll get handled somehow, I'm sure. Plus I have a paper for Eng 401 and a group project for Psych 405 both due on the 23, which blows goats, man. It'll all get handled, though. And with minimal stress because that's the kind of girl I am this week.

hehe.

Last night was well on its way to turning into a sob fest. I had myself all worked up due to the early-morning rising and shitload of stuff I had to do yesterday. Josh and I had planned to see each other later that night as well, but I was so tired out that I just couldn't get myself to go get the car and drive all the way out there for the evening. So I decided (after much mind-changing) to stay here in A^2 for the weekend.

Olivia had invited me to go with her, her cousin and her friends to this Latino frat by Geddes and I wasn't going to at first.. I had even called and told her I wouldn't go, but then finally I changed my mind. It was pretty difficult to get myself in the mood to party cuz I was in self-pity mode and nothing looked right on me.. Blah blah. But I put on my game face and sucked it up.. we went with some freshmen (who couldnt hold their liquor, as we later discovered) but we had a good time. I got to dance for the first time in a long time in a nonthreatening environment. It was great to be unconcerned about how I looked to others, but I think that liquor had something to do with the shedding of my inhibitions. They had beer there--really cheap disgusting beer, and also jungle juice which was totally and completely awesome. I danced with some nice guys but mostly by myself.. it was good. And even though my roommate got a little drunk along with her friend and the freshmen peed on themselves (and one actually went behind a dumpster and peed in the snow, lol), and my feet are blistered today from walking about 2 miles home in the snow in high heels with no socks, I still had hella fun. Somehow it didn't matter that I was fat or not doing so well in school or had no money. It was just fun to dance and not care. I still have the desire to get drunk again tonight, but that's probably not gonna happen. Anywho... I'm grateful to them for inviting me. It's been a long time since I've gone out with my age group and had a good time, and that was sorely needed.

I'm working tomorrow but I also have to go to this thing for RA class at 6, which reminds me.. I totally have to pick up the boombox out of my car (hopefully it still works) to take there tomorrow. Don't let me forget. Have a great night all and a good tomorrow. Later!

For my own sake, I wish I had stuff of more substance to say. These days it seems like I'm just shadows and air instead of the real deal. I've been cutting people off with every thought and speaking way before I let myself process information. At times I'm aware of this so I'm able to cut down on it but most of the time that split second between thought and speech is just that--a split second. So if I've interrupted you mid-sentence, forgive me.

I'm working on the whole law school business these days, i.e. investigating online viewbooks and trying to find a school that would be a good fit for me. While I value the experience I've had at UM, I don't think that this was exactly a good fit. Perhaps I could have been better off somewhere else, but it's a little late for could'ves, as Homer Simpson would say.
The requirements for continuing education at other institutions are extremely demanding. Many of the colleges I've researched claim that, on average, the students they attract have GPAs of approximately 3.7. Can you believe that? That leaves me to wonder if there really are students with GPAs more like mine, in the 2.9-3.0 range. Do they exist or do they just drop out of college and go into the workforce directly out of school? And it makes me feel that perhaps I haven't made the most of my college career by being lazy, not proactive. I dunno.

At any rate, I'd like to go somewhere in IL to cut down on costs somewhat, and that leaves the problem of what will happen between Josh and me. But I've said that already, right? So I'll move on.

In non-complaining news, this week hasn't been that difficult. I can only remember a few specific instances where I've felt unhappy, namely after my prelaw advising session, when I considered dropping orgo II, and feeling fat (but that's always there, nagging at me). But both those things are pretty small-scale. I've got dinner planned with a kid from staff class tonight which I'm looking forward to, and afterwards I'm going to sleep the evening away. All in all, it should turn into a pretty decent weekend.

Don't dismay; I'll keep you posted if anything good happens. Au revoir les enfants!

So I lied.. this post is being made from my school computer cuz I didn't write at all while I was at home due to laziness. So sue me. But you can't cuz you love me soooo much.

I've been thinking a lot about graduations since I'll be hearing about/attending two this summer.. one will be Josh A who's graduating from USC and going to grad school right after, and the other is my mom who's finally getting her master's degree in education. It's cool and I'm happy for both of them.. Can't wait until it's my turn to do that kind of stuff, man.

I should be researching the LSAT and law schools since that's where I intend to go after this undergrad thing. I'm gonna owe hella money for school, that's for sure. I don't really have any place I'd rather be.. perhaps in state IL would save me money, but I don't want to live with the 'rents... I don't know if Josh is going to move down to be with me.. it doesn't really seem like that kind of thing is even feasible at this point. I was over his place last night and noticed that he wanted to contact EMU or something, which could mean that he's making plans to get back in school and acually finish.. At this point I think I've passed him up though, but if he makes a comeback and starts in the summer he could actually pull it off by the time I graduate.. That's really doubtful though. It's hard to find the classes you want/need to take in the summer, don't I know it. Anyway... Part of me knows we'll just end up going our separate ways and I dunno why I'm prolonging the pain.. it's going to happen. But I won't bring myself down with negativity.

My roommate has locked herself out yet again *sigh* I wish she would just clip the keys to her bag or something. Ah well.

Oh, btw, I clipped a fringe while I was at home, or rather my mom cut it for me.. it was weird seeing my hair fall off like that.. it's now about 4 inches long or so, hanging demurely in my eyes and blowing all around in the Michigan wind. It's great and ppl were looking at me alot today which made me feel kinda nice.

So umm.. ttyl then. Peace out.

I've spent the day doing absolutely nothing and it's been wonderful. Well actually, I did my hair and considered cutting bangs. I'm a person who loves diy projects, but I guess that it is an endeavor best left to professionals (plus I have no desire to look stupid).
Mom and I are fighting about me coming home for spring break. I don't really feel like driving all the way back to Chicago because I was just there last weekend and will end up turning right around and driving back here in terrible weather. It's so annoying, but in the interest of keeping peace between us I agreed to her rules. So it looks like I'm heading home tomorrow morning, bad weather or no.
The sad thing is that Chicago reminds me of Joe and I don't want to think about him, the asshole jerk. I guess it makes me think of my own stupidity in the past as well, but there's no sense in letting some dumbass boy ruin my feelings for my hometown. So screw it; I'll suck it up and try to have a little fun. We'll see what happens.
I don't have shit else to say, really. Don't want to let depression creep in for no reason so I'll say goodnight. The next post will most likely be made on my home comp. Later.