You know for you I bleed myself dry..

I haven't played Coldplay's "Yellow" in so long.. it's the ringer that comes on when Josh calls. So I play it today and I just start crying, you know? Like so hard I can't stop.. and my throat hurts.. we haven't broken up and I'm already feeling like someone has died. Cuz someone has, and it's me.. and it's all that stuff from the past 6 years that has, like all that romance and all the specialness of feeling. What makes me saddest is that I know I will feel them again, maybe for someone else or something (cuz I don't think I'm the kind of person who will ever be alone for too long--I'm too weak). And that makes me sad because if feelings can be repeated, and if I can really feel for someone else the way I feel about Josh, were the feelings I have real? And that is what I will ask myself from now on. It's better never to have loved at all because then there will never be any comparison.

I wish I didn't know what love was.

I'm usually happy on his birthday.