I don't think it's a sleep-deprived epiphany, but pretty close.

Obviously there wasn't much sleep to be had last night, but I've still had some time to think. I didn't fall asleep until around 4 and couldn't get all this stuff out of my head. To make things worse, in that short resting period I even dreamt about a guy I have NO desire to dream about ever again, really.

If I ever needed more proof that this is not just something that I can handle on my own, that was it.

But I was thinking that if I ever decided to break up with Josh for, like, the 7th or 8th time, it wouldn't be any less painful. There's part of me that senses that I'm trying to make things up, you know, reasons why I'd be unhappy, so I can excuse this all to myself when I really hate to admit that I want more out of a relationship. Is it wrong to think that there might be more out there? Is it dumb to risk something that is very nice and comfortable sometimes and extremely frustrating other times for the possibility of getting something that's very nice and comfortable sometimes and only marginally frustrating other times? Maybe I am fully responsible for the tough times that I feel with Josh, you know, because we're too different. And then I fell in love too fast because the initial sparks we made (because we're so different) heated things up for me and I couldn't wait. I thought we had time to get to know each other and accept everything, and I do accept who Josh is as a person, and he's a wonderful person... I don't think, though, that wishing he would change is appropriate to do, cuz I'm sure that he doesn't wish that I would. And it's not fair for me to do that.

On the other hand, maybe that means that people shouldn't be so different when they get together. Opposites might attract, but do they stay together as well as two similar people?

I like that Josh is physical in a nice way, like when he holds me and when he lays down with me when I take a nap even though he's not tired. And he always stays until he thinks I've gone to sleep. I like that he cooks. I like that he isn't afraid of my stinkiness, and that he kisses my feet even though feet are completely gross. I like the way he smells and he's cute. And I like when his confidence comes out in good ways. I like that sometimes he does really listen.

I wanted that all to be said.. Josh is a great person, it's just that now that I'm growing up and am ready to make plans for lifetime relationships, if we get together and, say, got married, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't end up in this position a few years later. So the question is, do we postpone the inevitable by hanging out and then make a tearful goodbye in April (when I graduate and go to D.C. for an internship, then to wherever law school in the fall), or do I let him follow me wherever and then try to make this work?

I don't want to be hurtful or unloving, but I do want to be realistic. If that makes me a bad person, then I will spend the next phase of life trying to learn to accept it. *sigh*