I don't like to think I know, but maybe I always did.

it's times like this, when I can't sleep, that the futility of some aspects of my life is really clear to me. Well.. I can't say some, because I really mean just one: my relationship with Josh. It's been so hard to be together these pst few years, and whether it's my fault exclusively or he and I share the blame, it'll end up the same way. I just want to not be burdened with love for a while, to not think about it.. maybe even to go back to the way things were before I even knew what it was like to be in a real relationship. Things now are just too hard.
This summer I knew it would be like this, but I hated being alone so much that I gave in to that sensitive and sweet part of me that urged me to come back. Even on every level I knew that it would end with me frustrated with myself and with him, but I didn't care; those sweet months that followed were, at the time, worth any residual ugh-ness that would follow. And now I'm in the ugh period, feeling stupid for being so insecure and needy.

I just can't keep myself from wanting more out of a relationship than I'm getting. And maybe I'll be persuaded to try harder when I feel more satisfied. Because a relationship is more than nice sex and good cuddling... It's dancing at a wedding and going out and making compromises to watch football on Saturday morning if you can watch cartoons together on Saturday night. And he and I just aren't doing that. I'm reminded of what the Bible says, ironically:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

I wish he hadn't gone to bed on me like that without even commenting on all the stuff I had said. I needed to hear back from him, even if it was just regurgitation. I think I might cry for the first time in a few months tonight.. maybe that will help. 'Night.