Monday, May 23, 2005

Washout

washed out, wish things were getting better
but if I phrased this in a letter
I think that you would pass it all by

by this time you must know whether
or not I could keep together...
the giveaway's the tears that I cry



I'm not overly sad, but I do feel like a limp, wet rag that's been wrung out several times too many. This LSAT stuff is more intense than I expected and I guess I hadn't been challenging my brain this way so the muscles, if you will, are sore from being flexed again and again and again. But at least this time I improved on an exam. By "go time" in June I should be ready to kick some logical butt.

Class starts tomorrow, and it's downtown again which means more money spent, blah blah. I can't wait to have steady income again, man. And a steady reason to go out on a daily basis. You can't imagine how screwed up my internal calendar is because I only really do learning on the weekends. It's insane, really.

I've been noticing that my internal clock has been ticking. I realize that I do want to get married even though I'm preaching the later the better and all that jazz. People my age have been prepared for marriage and it's really weird knowing that someone who was only this old was making decisions for a family. *shivers* But knowing me, if I don't fall violently in love with someone I'll settle for a comfortable, passionless relationship out of fear that I'll end up alone. It's sad, but that's just who I happen to be, for better or worse (pun intended).

The most powerful feeling washing over me lately is loneliness. Amazing how many people you see in couples when you're not in one. I'm not desperate enough to settle for anything that comes my way, though, for I've promised myself that only a positive relationship is worth the time and energy I'll have to invest in it. And I'm a person with goals, one of which is to find someone who can share in the dreams I have as well as support me in my pursuit of them, and vice versa. Maybe this thing doesn't have to be so serious in the immediate, but I am kinda looking for a potential sense of longevity.

On that note, I want to mention that my LSAT facilitator is really cute. Tall, thin, dark-haired, witty--would be perfect if it weren't for his impatience and tendency to make a remark cut unecessarily. He watches me often, I notice. But I don't really think there's anything there. Anywho...

I miss you, readers. Won't you comment if you're still alive out there? Else I'll mourn the loss of you in another entry.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I'm practically in a dreamlike state writing this, I'm so overcome with exhaustion. From the late nights preparing for my mom's graduation yesterday to the 7 hours of LSAT prep I do every weekend I feel like I haven't had adequate time for sleep. To make matters worse, I've been staying up late nights (averaging about 3:30am) because I can't sleep. It's pretty sad.

Thus far, everything has been going along without many glitches. There is, however, the problem of what's going on between my brother and I. Not that it makes me lose sleep at night, but it's really stressful to be on edge about something all day every day, especially when you live with the thing that's causing you distress. It all started with him thinking that since he's humongous he can belittle and treat women like crap. I can't stand that. He actually knocked me around the other day then had the nerve to say some crap like, "I protected and defended you every day of your life," blah blah. My point is, no other man has ever hit me like that and he's supposed to be some kind of shining example? Bullshit. I'm so tired of this garbage and I'm ready to write him off like I don't have a brother. But that's wrong.

It's soured me on relationships for the time being. That coupled with the lack of desirable black men in my area has me feeling kind of low in general. I wouldn't say depressed, but to be honest the thought of cutting crossed my mind. It's dumb, I know, and I never said I was gonna do it but I have been thinking about it.

I'm lonely. Life hasn't been boring, but even though it's actually going okay I feel like something specific is lacking. I miss feeling like part of something special and I wish that when people (guys) looked at me they saw more than just what I look like and actually wanted to talk. Part of me's rationalized it that men are just visual beings and women should learn to adjust, but I can't help wanting what I do. I don't want a bf/gf relationship, just something interesting.

God, for some reason I feel like crying and I haven't the slightest idea why.

This entry was kind of pointless, but at least there's an update. I start my first English class of the summer on Monday, so if I don't talk to you before then wish me luck. Peace out.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just wanted to let you all know that yes, I made it to my 20th birthday. It was fine. At dinner, I had chicken parmigiana and a carrot cake. We didn't sing or light candles, and my present was mostly underwear (which I needed). I wouldn'ts say I got shortchanged because they've spent a shitload on me and school-related stuff recently. Realistically, It's practical, all of this, and I'm thankful to my parents for being so nice and loving (my mom gave me not 1, but 3 different cards). Still, I am a little sad.

But I'm an adult now.

LSAT prep is kicking my ass but I will master it soon enough to do well on the test. I want to increase my score by a lot of points so it's going to require lots of study which I'll be tackling later today, but really I should be working on this throughout the day. Whether or not people realize this, It's harder than I thought to be logical and find argument flaws, and we make them all the time in our opinions. Because this is work best suited for logical people (which I am not naturally), I'm a little scared how well I'll do. But no matter what, I'm still a good analyst with my English major and I can do this I can do this I can do this *repeats like a mantra*

I spoke to Josh last night and it felt.. well.. like we were FWBs. But trying to explain that sense coupled with that still loving him thing is still hard to do. I only know that I feel lonely right now. And while I missed being flirted with while at U of M cuz nobody tossed a bone my way (too many skinny blondes everywhere to even take a second glance at a more-than-curvy dark-haired black chick) here in Chicago I get talked to all the time by looooooooooossssseeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrs and it makes me wonder where the good men are. I want to have an intelligent conversation with one who doesn't automatically think he's smarter than me because his vocabulary includes esoteric (I swear I heard somebody use that in a sentence yesterday and all I wanted to do was punch him. How does that even come up in everyday life?).

So I'll probably be getting a job at some time after taking the LSAT which is better for me, but I wish it could be sooner so I could pay my bills which are piling up.. Hopefully I can get this credit card paid down if not paid off and fix my credit.. oboy. I won't be telling this to the 'rents, and you better not either if you know what's good for you.

Well, back to the daily grind of the ever-expanding mind. That means LSAT prep. It also means I'll see you later.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

In 3 days I will no longer be a teenager, but on the verge of a twenty-something. Weird, crazy, scary. But I'll save the reminiscing for the last post of my teenage years.

So the kaplan test prep for LSAT begins on Saturday, bright and early at 9am. I have to be on Randolph that early.. crazy.. For those of you who don't know, I live on the south side of the city so getting downtown can take upwards of an hour. This I'll be doing every Saturday and Sunday until the end of the month. Fun fun fun.

Consolation prize: meeting hot young wannabe-lawyers. It's totally worth it, cuz even though they'll grow up to be leeches (like me *grimace*) they'll at least understand the pursuit of a dream/goal. And that means we already got something in common, yay.


Still hanging out.. probably haven't lost any weight to date (that rhymes.. I've officially been spending too much time in the house/reading) but that could change at any moment. Comment with interesting cookie jars you've had your hands into. Anyone else's life is, at this point, more interesting than a Spanish soap opera to me.

I love you all. *smooches*

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I made cookies the other night only to realize that I actually like making food again. It's weird how these strange habits or phases come on me and I can hardly resist doing things and making changes.. and before I know it they're over. But I kinda like that about me.

Nothing much happening here except for Kaplan test prep... I'm starting to get up at 10 and studying from 11-1 then studying from 7-9 so I can get a good grade on this test man.. it's cost way too much for me to be a slacker, you know?


I feel like going out and meeting new people. Perhaps after my study session tomorrow I'll go out and amble about the streets of downtown Chicago and seek some adventure. Damn, I've missed this city and its smoggy charms for so long I feel like I barely know him anymore. We definitely have a date tomorrow; believe it.


and that's pretty much it. have a special tomorrow, y'all.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

not much going on here, except me realizing that I really just want to get out of here as soon as possible. it'd be nice to get a real job that would pay my rent and bills so I don't have to live at home during law school, but that would probably just be wishful thinking.

I want my own space really badly, guys. not that living at home is so terrible but I enjoy being alone a lot of the time, cooking when I want, cleaning when I want.. and more importantly not picking up after other people. that's key.

I'm planning on going on a diet that includes caffeine as an appetite suppressant. it started when I realized I can't really fit many of the clothes I purchased last summer in thinner, warmer days. but that's gonna be okay. so I'll start that monday, I guess.

damn I don't have much to say tonight. it's been a slow week. I start LSAT class on Saturday even though I don't know if anyone's going to cancel for the test and I'll get a spot.. that would be nice. but I'll keep you updated on what happens. keep your fingers crossed for me for luck, wouldja? thanks.

paix. (if I remember French correctly, which I probably don't.)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Yeah, I know it's been a helluva long time since I've updated, by my standards, but I've been freaked out of my mind about using this computer since it logs all your stats, etc. and I have little desire for my parents to come across this little website.

Home has been relatively low stress. Nobody's really been giving me a hard time except yesterday when my older brother and I had a fight... It started out with him jumping on the computer that I had been using and had stepped away from to go potty, and it turned into this whole schpiel about me supposedly thinking I'm better than him. But I talked to mom about it and she said that the closer I get to graduation the more like this it will be as people review their lives and finally realized that their baby sisters passed them by. I mean, I would be pissed too so I guess I should be a little more understanding. But as for me thinking I'm better than him, it's not true because we both had some of the same opportunities (if he didn't have more, with less stress) and he decided to do what he did. I had a lot of pressure on me to go this route so I pretty much went there because that's where I was being led. So.. it worked out how it worked out. Everyone has regrets in certain areas; that's just how life goes.

It's nice to know that nothing's going on immediately. I don't start the LSAT prep course with Kaplan until the 14th.. AND I WILL ALSO BE IN CLASS FOR LIKE 6 HOURS ON MY BIRTHDAY the 15th which kind of sucks. So I guess I won't be getting shit for that... that's how it always works out in my head. It hasn't been anything memorable in a good way for a long time. But I shan't complain about that anymore cuz I'm a fortunate girl in a lot of ways.

Speaking of which, I was fortunate enough to score a 3.5 GPA for the semester!!! WOOO!! I got 3 As and a C- lol.. and you guessed right if you said that C- had to be in something science-related. I guess my inclinations are in the English area, dude. Well, really, there's no "guess" about it. So law is the career for me. Summer school at Loyola starts on the 31st and is costing a shitload of money... Basically I've been ransacking my parents' pockets and will be the rest of the summer so I kinda feel guilty. Plus I have no money for Mother's Day since I loaned some to my brother and in him getting mad at me he forgot he owed me some fucking money, the jerk... So I have no clue what I will be getting my mother. It's probably going to suck. Sorry mom.. it's not that I don't love or appreciate you or anything like that.

Umm yeah I haven't been involved with anyone since I got home but family and Josh on occasion. He wants to chat and stuff, and I do too, but it just feels weird being on AIM here. Too many ppl will come up behind you and ask who you're chatting with, so I just use texting (which costs a fortune after so many IMs) or call him on the phone. *sigh* Oh well. At least we're not bf/gf so that we're forced to make the sacrifices. But we aren't and I still make them anyway. What's that say about me? *smiles sheepishly*

That's pretty much it. I wish I could still fit into my prom dresses/various formals and get dressed up just for the hell of it. No, that doesn't make me sad, just hella bored.

Might be awhile before I get back with you, so tootles and enjoy your Cinco de Mayo.