Class at Loyola ended last night and won't start again for the next summer session until after Independence Day. I think I should get an A for the class, since it wasn't that difficult and the work wasn't hard.

I started the Couch-to-5K running plan, finishing day 2 of week 1 yesterday afternoon. It's been really awesome so far, and I love feeling the response of my body to how I push it. Not that it's easy, and I'm far from in shape, but I do feel better. And even after this little bit of physical exertion, I notice that I can jog up steps a lot better, not getting out of breath so much. Why didn't I start this sooner?

I guess I've just been looking for a hobby, something to occupy my time until life picks up again. In other news, this girl I don't particularly care for has invited me to a picnic on Saturday but didn't tell me where it was. So why invite me? It's not like it matters, though, cuz I don't believe that I'll be going anyway.

Well.. that's about it for these days. I've been thinking up crafts to do so that will probably keep me busy for a while. Catch you later if you're around.

Smooches.

Fuck. Me.

It's like I'm one of those people who was cursed to never be in between.. I'm either happy or miserable. And now, when I think I should be feeling miserable, for some reason, I'm kinda happy. I fucked up on the LSATs and I'm jobless and alone, but at least there's some positivity in my life. It's all about running, really.. I have a new hobby for the time being and I do kinda like it. Hopefully I can hone that skill and make it into something I can begin to do with groups.

Weird thing is, I'm still dealing with Josh and that shit he told me.. sometimes I think that I'm totally helpless and ready to go back at it again, but then there are times when I think about it.. and I know he's not sorry about what he did, just that I got hurt by it.. and it's not like he owes me anything, but that's just the point, you know? It's like he and I are doing things because we know that we've already hurt each other and even though we say we've forgiven each other there are these invisible tally sheets where we keep score of who hurt who in what way.

And it's in times like these.. my alone times.. where I want to just turn away from all that and go another direction. It's like while I'm talking to him I'm almost convinced that we should be together, yet there's this part of me that can't stand to think about us touching or ever really connecting again and I feel like I'm going to throw up from the visions that come to me. I guess the part that's telling me to turn away is the most honest part. Cuz I really don't think that, if we got back together, things would change all that much.

Even now there's part of me that wants not to write this because I feel bad. But then I say to me, yeah, so the fuck what I have low self esteem in some ways but even I think I deserve some kind of real happiness.. and he wouldn't be fighting so hard to stay a part of my life if I wasn't a cool person who was worth a lot of bullshit. So I'm gonna keep my distance, I think, and just go with running for now, and maybe even making crafts of the various stuff around my house.

Here alone in my little world, in a strange way, I can be happy. No, there's no significant other person involved, and that's alright.

I'm probably gonna be on the rag soon, hence the emotional outpouring lol..

I guess I didn't realize just how much importance I placed on the timing of my own life. It's just that, now that it's in grave danger of being derailed I have a lot more time on my hands to think and maybe plan what to do now. But it's not a good feeling, that being in limbo. As a matter of fact, it feels pretty shitty.

Though I was expecting them to come Monday, I got my LSAT scores back Saturday night and they were atrocious. It was like the worst thing that could ever have happened to me as far as those go. I mean, it would have been better not to have busted my ass and wasted my parents' money cramming for the test in early June if it was just going to mean I have to take it again this October.. meaning probably no scores back until November, meaning applications won't be considered complete until at least by then.. after they've allowed their quota of lackluster applicants like myself, so I'm fucked it seems.

Yeah, I'm a complainer, but in this case I don't think it would have even been so bad had I not gotten the score I wanted. Cuz at least then I would have been able to respect myself for a job well done, blah blah. But I did worse than my diagnostic from Kaplan, meaning that I was better off before wasting almost $1300. I feel like a failure, man. If I have to wait a year before reapplying to law school, what kind of job would I be able to hold then? Maybe a secretary at a law firm or something? I just dunno.

At church today I felt like shit and couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye.. And at the end of service some people came and prayed for me.. but it wasn't like in a private way; it was really really intrusive. And I can see why people don't want others in their personal space especially when they're upset about something. I kept my mouth shut but inside I was screaming, "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" I'm angry at myself, and my mom for trying to be supportive while at the same time muttering "I told you so" at intervals.. I'm angry at God because I was supposed to be trusting him that things would work out well, and look at 'em. Shambles. And it really sucks that even in summer I can't seem to get away from depression. Dammitall. Ugh.

I can't type the fucking 3-page paper that's due tomorrow for class because I can't bring myself to type anything related to law school, so the screen's been up for like 3 hours and there's nothing on there. Tomorrow I'll just get up around 10 and put something together I guess. Then maybe I can find a way to get out of the house for awhile and do some more reading.

that's it for now.

Ah fuck, you're lucky. Two posts in one day, not to mention that they're painfully close to one another...


I can say in all honesty that I understand why there are so many disillusioned and bitter people in the world because I am in grave danger of becoming one.

When I was, like, between the ages of 13 and 16 I guess, love was so incredible. I wanted to find it.. I was willing to follow it anywhere, and it led to what seemed like insufferable heartache. But who knew? I suffered and bore it.

Ever since I started growing older with Josh, and maturing really, it's seemed like love has gotten harder and harder. It no longer was this thing on a pedestal--it became fallible, just like people. But I still wanted it in my life, you know? And now, in what's essentially been my first adult relationship I've experienced pain like you wouldn't believe, and also incredible joy. And it's mixed me up so much I don't really know what's what.. Maybe when a person has a huge role to play in your formative years it's hard to see yourself without seeing them as a large part. Maybe I've done myself a disservice by having a bf for so long.. I dunno, and it's too late to start speculating about that now.

Right now I really feel hurt by Josh, and even myself. I'm not trying to justify anything that either of us has done, but I am more hurt than I care to admit... Last night I just lay there thinking about it in horrible detail. Tears didn't/wouldn't come, but maybe they manifested themselves in nightmares. I feel too old for this shit, but I guess I'm not. I just think that loving someone isn't enough. There's trust and respect and the desire to give that makes it into the beauty it's supposed to be. And Josh and I didn't have all that.

I want a fresh start--completely and totally with someone different. Or maybe some time with no one at all. Either way works for me.

That's enough for now.

one liners... only not funny ones.

It's Friday, and I feel kind of guilty.


What's new, you ask?


Well, I'd have to say it's the fact that nothing new and exciting ever occurs in this lifetime.


I'm too tired of reminiscing and wishing things were different.


Why don't I get off my ass and make a change?


I think I will.


That kind of thing stays on your mind a lot, you know?


So that's all I will say now.

Oh, and I'm moving again my blog address again...


I want my privacy from the people I know in the real world.


Namely, Josh.


So it's time to pack up and sally forth.

I'll let you know the new digs on an individual basis.

I feel as though I'm living with part of me asleep. Not all of me, mind you, because I can still function through the day. It just seems to take a lot longer to grab on to something that can get me excited. Perhaps it's my body adjusting to the routine mundane-ness that is my current life. People have suggested that I get out of the house more, and maybe I agree.

There really isn't anything I feel like doing other than reading. I've started a new romance novel just because I can't finish East of Eden (on account of it's so damn slow). Part of me wishes that I could just go to a coffee shop with a book and meet an amazing stranger guy and chat his ear off, but those kinds of things don't often happen to me. (normally I'd bitch about how if I were like 30 lbs lighter maybe it would, but I don't even have the energy for that)

So pina coladas and lying half-naked on a blanket in the backyard.. You know you've hit an all-time low when that becomes an appealing prospect. I wish my neighborhood wasn't so crappy or I'd go out and read on some lawn somewhere. Ah well.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Long pause~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Josh just laid some heavy news on me. It's heavier than I ever could have expected, and since I came here straightaway after it I suppose I'm reeling in shock, maybe? But that initial plummet of the stomach I usually get after bad news wasn't there, or perhaps it hasn't come yet. At times, my tendency to speedread gets the best of me and I suppose I'm unable to process information. We'll see what I'm thinking about it in the morning.

At this point, though, I think I'm qualified enough to hold the belief that some people just aren't meant to be together. Hard lessons, man.

So... another lackluster four days since my last post. I've mostly been thinking and reading whatever I can get my hands on in order to keep myself sane these days I spend at home.

Josh and I are talking about what it would take for us to be together again and I find myself wanting to plan this thing like I plan the other aspects of my life. I mean, I still love him, but perhaps relationships have taught me that they, too, are investments. And I don't want to come out screwed, you know? When I go to law school, it will probably entail moving somewhere and getting a place (that is, unless I live here with my parents *cringe*), so we could theoretically live together. But I'm not certain that's something I want to do cuz I really want my own place to decorate how I want and to leave my dirty clothes on the floor, etc.. my own space. And you can't live that way with another person, you know? I just don't want too many complications.

*sigh* The countdown toward finding out my LSAT score continues; we're now at 6 days 'til I find out. I suppose next Monday I'm gonna rush down the stairs and check my email then probably faint dead away.. lol. Oh man, I've been on edge about that all week. But we'll see.

So.. class is almost over, woohoo.. umm then there's another semester. Hopefully this one will mean an A. And then it's time to pack and do this whole school thing over again. I'm excited about it.

Guess that's about it. Later.

Strangely enough, writing here has become harder over the past few weeks. It's not that I have anything I loathe to say, but rather the opposite. Nothing new and noteworthy is happening in my life. Of course there are the day-to-day cares that worry me, and class at loyola is full of little assignments here and there. But nothing worth prattling on and on about.

I've two options: play the waiting game, or complain about the ancient frustrations.

Both have their drawbacks, but I suppose brevity is the best choice.

I'm a little upset that Josh may be upset (which I learned from his cryptic away message) and it might be nice to talk to him. Hmm.. what else? Ah. I'm still pretty lonely even though there are tons of people about. And I think I might be slightly depressed. Not suicidal, thankfully, but sad, I suppose.

I might go to the park and read later.


That is all.

Well I've taken the LSAT. Yesterday was a very nervous day for my inner core. But outside, I had the strangest calm.. it was weird. But I'm sure it all worked out. For fear of damaging what little sanity I have left I'm not going to talk about my performance on the test.

I met two other people who went to Michigan in my testing room, which was cool. There was a guy who was also a senior and a history major, and he was alright-looking. I got the feeling he would have wanted to chat if I had hung around some after the test, but I didn't cuz I was hella tired. The other girl had just graduated in April so she was an alumni. Good for her.

Then there was this really weird guy who was acting dumb and bringing everything contraband that he could think of, waterbottles, mp3 player.. all the things they said were prohibited in the dozens of rule sheets they gave us. Then he took it upon himself to start humming in the quiet testing room. HUMMING, I'm not kidding. And it sounded like someone was trying to strangle a cow. I thought it was some construction going on in the building; it was awful. Ah well. It's over now. And the law world would be better off without a guy like that, all interested in his own consequence. What a maroon.

I guess this means it's time for me to get employment somewhere. I have no more excuse to dilly-dally under the guise of studying. I really need to pay my bills. If you know anyone that's hiring, let me know. Thanks, and I guess that's all for now.

The "Right" Track

I know, I know, but hiatus sometimes is what a girl needs.

Haven't been around as much as I usually am just because being at home has its advantages, such as other diversions that keep me from my lifeline, the internet. That and I've been hella busy doing other shit around here. From the LSAT classes on the weekends to my new class at Loyola to my hardcore studying for the LSAT which is in !!5 days!! I've been freaking out a little bit, and just haven't had the strength to come on here and pour my heart out to yous guys.

But here I am. My dreams have been haunted lately by stuff concerning the LSAT. Hard to believe a mere booklet of paper can alter the course of my entire life, but no matter what the people at Kaplan test prep say, it really can. I've always been one concerned about being on the "right" track, and my life's always had a plan.

I'm not the best student in the world, but even in my less responsible moments, I've always been an ambitious girl. As you know, at one point I intended to be a doctor, but when that didn't work out I was freaking out because I knew that I had to decide something soon in order to graduate in 4 years so my life would be "on track". Not having a plan doesn't suit me. I don't like surprises.

And to be completely honest, I think that's part of the reason why Josh and I broke up.. I've seen what happens when women derail themselves for love. With my aunt, who was a brilliant girl at Spelman college, her love for my sorry-ass ex-uncle made her drop out of school and not finish college until she was like 49 years old. He wanted to get married and then there wasn't enough money for the both of them to go to school, so she waited for him.

And he cheated on her until he left her.

That's not me at all. I know that love is a big part of life, and I'm not discounting the idea that it can happen anyplace and anytime. But I don't want the kind of love that derails the rest of my life unless the track it leads me on is going to be much better, much richer, and leave me a better person. Since there's no guarantee, at least I can say that, on my track I've done what I wanted. And there's no one else to blame for failure (God forbid it happens) but myself. That's something I can live with.

Anyways, it looks like it will all work out. I've got all confidence for a great score on the LSAT and a competitive law school. And even though life is hectic these days it'll all work out.

I really attribute this good feeling to my new day-glo orange panties. Yay lingerie.

Be good but have fun.