I don't think it's a sleep-deprived epiphany, but pretty close.

Obviously there wasn't much sleep to be had last night, but I've still had some time to think. I didn't fall asleep until around 4 and couldn't get all this stuff out of my head. To make things worse, in that short resting period I even dreamt about a guy I have NO desire to dream about ever again, really.

If I ever needed more proof that this is not just something that I can handle on my own, that was it.

But I was thinking that if I ever decided to break up with Josh for, like, the 7th or 8th time, it wouldn't be any less painful. There's part of me that senses that I'm trying to make things up, you know, reasons why I'd be unhappy, so I can excuse this all to myself when I really hate to admit that I want more out of a relationship. Is it wrong to think that there might be more out there? Is it dumb to risk something that is very nice and comfortable sometimes and extremely frustrating other times for the possibility of getting something that's very nice and comfortable sometimes and only marginally frustrating other times? Maybe I am fully responsible for the tough times that I feel with Josh, you know, because we're too different. And then I fell in love too fast because the initial sparks we made (because we're so different) heated things up for me and I couldn't wait. I thought we had time to get to know each other and accept everything, and I do accept who Josh is as a person, and he's a wonderful person... I don't think, though, that wishing he would change is appropriate to do, cuz I'm sure that he doesn't wish that I would. And it's not fair for me to do that.

On the other hand, maybe that means that people shouldn't be so different when they get together. Opposites might attract, but do they stay together as well as two similar people?

I like that Josh is physical in a nice way, like when he holds me and when he lays down with me when I take a nap even though he's not tired. And he always stays until he thinks I've gone to sleep. I like that he cooks. I like that he isn't afraid of my stinkiness, and that he kisses my feet even though feet are completely gross. I like the way he smells and he's cute. And I like when his confidence comes out in good ways. I like that sometimes he does really listen.

I wanted that all to be said.. Josh is a great person, it's just that now that I'm growing up and am ready to make plans for lifetime relationships, if we get together and, say, got married, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't end up in this position a few years later. So the question is, do we postpone the inevitable by hanging out and then make a tearful goodbye in April (when I graduate and go to D.C. for an internship, then to wherever law school in the fall), or do I let him follow me wherever and then try to make this work?

I don't want to be hurtful or unloving, but I do want to be realistic. If that makes me a bad person, then I will spend the next phase of life trying to learn to accept it. *sigh*

I don't like to think I know, but maybe I always did.

it's times like this, when I can't sleep, that the futility of some aspects of my life is really clear to me. Well.. I can't say some, because I really mean just one: my relationship with Josh. It's been so hard to be together these pst few years, and whether it's my fault exclusively or he and I share the blame, it'll end up the same way. I just want to not be burdened with love for a while, to not think about it.. maybe even to go back to the way things were before I even knew what it was like to be in a real relationship. Things now are just too hard.
This summer I knew it would be like this, but I hated being alone so much that I gave in to that sensitive and sweet part of me that urged me to come back. Even on every level I knew that it would end with me frustrated with myself and with him, but I didn't care; those sweet months that followed were, at the time, worth any residual ugh-ness that would follow. And now I'm in the ugh period, feeling stupid for being so insecure and needy.

I just can't keep myself from wanting more out of a relationship than I'm getting. And maybe I'll be persuaded to try harder when I feel more satisfied. Because a relationship is more than nice sex and good cuddling... It's dancing at a wedding and going out and making compromises to watch football on Saturday morning if you can watch cartoons together on Saturday night. And he and I just aren't doing that. I'm reminded of what the Bible says, ironically:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

I wish he hadn't gone to bed on me like that without even commenting on all the stuff I had said. I needed to hear back from him, even if it was just regurgitation. I think I might cry for the first time in a few months tonight.. maybe that will help. 'Night.

Sometimes...

sometimes, more than others, I just feel like being surrounded in warmth and being held. I know everybody gets that way ever so often, but maybe me more than other people... It's still hard being without him, having him even 30 minutes away is different than having him be, say, 5 minutes away. It drives me crazy that whenever I want to see him it's a big ordeal and not just a simple walk to his place. Long-distance relationships are really draining...

What the hell are we gonna do when I move after undergrad next year?

Sometimes I don't even want to think about it at all.

just keepin' ya posted.

I took the LSAT on October 1 and it did go a lot better than the last one. What I got, however, remains to be seen (I'll probably let you know around the 25th or so when I find out).

Right now I'm trying not to let worries consume my life. It seems like every year I'm doing fine until the little worries resurface to nag at me, eating away at the peace that I got over the summer. I'm going to try and not worry so much, reassure myself that things will work out fine because they're supposed to. Good triumphs over evil, that sort of thing.

There really has been a TON of reading these past couple of weeks. What possessed me to take 3 English classes simultaneously? It's like I don't have enough time to do more than finish a few pages of one before I have to start on the other, and I'm a fast reader. I guess it would help if some of the books we read were actually interesting, but.. you know, we do live in a time of academia and boredom, especially in our English classes. I'll cope like usual.

Josh and I are fighting some but we're also settling in to being together. I've started not hiding him from people in my life, and he does come up in casual conversation. I feel somewhat better about that (well, I haven't told my mom though, so...umm yeah) and maybe it will help me do better in the future. I'm not ashamed of my relationship with him, it's just really complicated to tell people. But if I love him, I should suck it up. So I'm tryin' to do that.

Well.. I've also been enjoying TV these past few days, so I'm gonna go enjoy some more. Laterz.

Laura