Sunday, January 30, 2005

Hi there. It's your friendly neighborhood Laura here, indulging in some good old-fasioned procrastination. Damn, I never thought I'd escape from studying in a blog entry about absolutely nothing, so in the interest of not wasting your time just cuz I'm wasting mine, here goes:

I'm still on edge about the attractiveness thing. But it's not as though I'm searching for validation from other people such that they have to sit me down and say, "Laura, you are pretty". It's an internal thing I'm struggling with and it will probably just take some time until I come out of this funk about it. Meanwhile, my self esteem looks like one of those dirty dumpsters behind a slaughterhouse--not a pretty picture.

I spent some time with Josh Friday night even though I promised I wouldn't because I was just so happy to be with him. He can be such a wonderful person sometimes (not that he's not all the time) that it just bows my mind. I really love Maroon 5 and Adam Levine, in case you didn't know. So one night I was blathering on about a tour they're doing--the only one of '05--and how I really wanted to go. So I looked up some dates and started talking about it, halfheartedly suggesting that he make it my birthday present. I know he doesn't particularly care for them, or at least he hasn't expressed the interest, but he still hinted that he might go with me! AND what's more, when I woke up the next morning he IMed me a copy of the confirmation--he bought the tickets!! I was so happy happy excited I almost peed myself right then and there. It's my first concert, really, cuz the thing is I always go with ppl to their concerts but it's not music I really like. It's hard not to get carried away with the electricity of the crowd, though, so I always ended up having a good time, but this is different. It's Maroon 5, and I love them! I'm still really excited even though it's not until 4/14.

Josh is such a sweetheart sometimes.. so selfless :) I love him.

Other than that I'm cool, working on school stuff and trying not to end up failing anything hehe. So that means I better study. I guess I'll ttyl everyone. Perhaps, if you're good, you'll get more later.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I know you didn't think I'd have time to squeeze you in today, but magically I found half an hour between classes. Yay.

I don't have much for your perusing pleasure today, kids... just complaints, and if you wanted that you'd have mulled over your own thoughts for the day. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

Oh, there is some interesting stuff I should probably mention... I'm actually questioning some things in my personal life--namely, my sexuality. I identify as a heterosexual woman but I can't shake the nagging curiosity about bisexuality. It really does nag at me, honestly. So.. I was kind of bold and nerdy and put up a profile on this website telling everybody I was bi-curious. Thankfully the website's not all cheap and skanky, so there's the possibility that I could just meet people for friendship's sake and share my curiosity with them and vice versa. All the same, it's a really scary thing to admit to yourself, not to mention other people, when you're considering something that's not the societal norm (though in recent years I suppose society has become a little more lenient. still, the stigmas are attached though).

My intent by divulging such personal information about myself is not to alienate anyone. I hope that if you felt uncomfortable you can take some time off and return to this blog later. Meanwhile, I'm going to do the best I can to be myself and not make apologies for that. So peace out; I got class in half an hour.

Monday, January 24, 2005

For some strange reason, I feel my nerves all knotted up. I've been stressing myself out about things that don't deserve a second thought, but you know me... there's always something.

I don't feel pretty lately. It's probably due to the fact that I haven't spent any time with Josh in the past week and usually being with him cheers me up concerning my appearance. But I'm a big enough girl to make it to this coming weekend without going nuts and feeling like a disgusting freak.

Dunno if I told you, but I recently ordered some appetite suppressant/fat burner. It's helping somewhat, but that may be due to a placebo effect. I'm much more aware of how much I'm taking in my body which kinda helps me keep a handle on how much I'm eating. I don't think I've lost any weight though; all clothes feel just as tight as they did before. Whatever. If it's meant to come off, it will. I might start exercising in the evenings--I just wish there were a gym closer. Anyways, if I set some time up later I might be able to do that... I could go after I go to my study group at 6. Lemme write myself a note about that.

Until then, I'm gonna concentrate on clearing my mind about all the stuff that doesn't matter: racism, not feeling pretty or smart, not having money.. and I'm gonna relax and rock out until I'm sleepy. Smell ya later.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

For years I've been trying to shake myself hard enough to realize that I can't keep rehearsing the past. But I know me probably better than anyone, which means I know better than anyone that I won't listen to even myself.

*sigh* I've been stupid when it's come to things like romance and love. In all honesty, I'm just a really talented girl with an overactive imagination. When I spend my time with my nose buried in a romance novel, I'm not just reading. I'm living through the protagonist, experiencing all the uncertainties, fears and joys that she is. And every time I resurface in the real world I'm looking to recreate that story. That means that when I think about the number of times I've been in love, the number dramatically decreases. What I get now that I didn't get before was that I have been in love with the idea of being in love for such a long time that the distinctions between the two have blurred almost to the point of being undistinguishable. I've wished for a life that could never exist outside of ink and paper and pretty much shit on the one that I've had for the past 19 years, claiming it wasn't "perfect" like the ones in books. Here, everything doesn't work out alright, and there isn't always a sense of closure at the end of a chapter.

When I was young and naive, I went about like a newly-emerged butterfly. I was pretty and smart with a heart too quickly warmed and an acid tongue. I was ready to give more of myself as I had just separated my childhood feelings from my adult aspirations. I was trying to define myself as a heroine in my own novel, and all I ended up doing was hurting a lot of people that I care about. I spent years living for immediate gratification, and for the most part, people were out of sight and out of mind with me. I hated my parents for wanting to keep me locked up and safe, and I hated myself even more for not making the life I thought I wanted for myself.

I was really stupid. But that doesn't mean I'm still that way. The older I get the more I realize that what I've said and done have hurt people. The last thing I want is for that to continue. It just seems like there's no redemption for me sometimes, and the only thing I've learned from the past, like, five years of adolescent life is that I need to be absolutely sure what love is before I utter those three words to another person one more time. Sometimes I feel like I have a handle on it, but other times I don't. And I just can't stand the thought of making another person believe he's safe in my love when he doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.

I just cannot relive the past. I can't deal with anymore hidden pain from the things I've experienced, and I refuse to let them hold me back from what I want to become. I can be more than just a romantic heroine because life is more than romantic love. And when I understand love I'm sure I can provide it to someone else, disciplining my phsyical and emotional self such that when my needs aren't immediately being met I won't let the daydreams of that perfect charming guy come in and unravel all that I've struggled to hold together in a relationship. I don't know good a lover I am though. I've been so selfish for so long it's hard to imagine giving anything to another person at my own expense. Geez, there's a lot more to learn. Maybe it would have been easier if I'd stayed a virgin up to this point, but I guess we'll never know.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Lately I've been spending a bit of time thinking about the next step on the pathway of life. Right now I'm in the second semester of my junior year of undergrad here at U of M, with a cumulative GPA of 2.8 and a few activities under my belt, including some future prospects, i.e. RA in Barbour/Newberry next year. The time has come (if it hasn't come already) to make sure that all pieces of my life are in place such that I can sell myself to the board of admissions for medical schools at the end of the winter semester 2006. Actually, it will be sooner than that, which makes me more than a little nervous.

Going into medicine has been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I could always see myself helping other people in that manner because it was something they would need and would come to me for. That way, I could help them without it being invasive, you know, because they sought me, etc. Something about that has always appealed to me. Initially I wanted to go into pediatrics because I wanted to help fellow children like myself; however, once I grew up and realized I didn't like kids all that much, things changed. Now I'm really interested in obstetrics and gynecology. I think it'd be awesome to facilitate the birthing process, experiencing growth on a daily basis. Not only that, but I see there are lots of women in the world who are totally clueless about their bodies because not enough research has been done in that area.. Not that I want to do research, but I want to bring what research has been done to the masses and educate, primarily. Through the spyglass of my mind I see myself opening my own ob/gyn practice with an attached counseling pavilion in order to provide a place where not only women but also men and families can come and gain the tools they need to be healthy physically and mentally. And I'd like to do the high school circuit, educating classes on their options when it comes to sex and contraception. That seems like such a rewarding prospect, you know?

I know that those are lofty goals when I consider what I'm working with now as far as collegiate performance. For one, I'm an English major. That hasn't stopped anyone so far, but my performance in science has definitely been lacking, not to mention the fact that I've procrastinated in biochemistry and two semesters of physics with their labs because I'm scared witless of going into a den of lions and being eaten alive. I often find myself wondering if careers are something to which people are A. called and B. given natural ability. If simply A., then I should be doing much better because I think this is what I was put on earth to do. If simply B., then I may as well surrender my white flag right now. If both, then I have no clue what to do except press on and see what happens, for better or worse. If I don't make it into med school, perhaps I can get a graduate degree and work as a GSI until I get my PhD or something. But I can't imagine whiling away my time among books and writing tablets. I love English, but in my heart I don't think that's enough to satisfy me.

Maybe that means I'm the kind of person who wants a challenge. That's what I got when I came to U of M, to be sure. Getting in was easy, I thought. But staying here has been the real challenge. I doubt that medical school will be as easy an attempt, though, and that has my teeth chattering and my hair standing on end. As time draws me closer to the dreaded MCAT, I'm wondering what it will reveal. And I'm wondering if it means I have what it takes to make a good doctor. Ugh.. so many questions swim around in this little aquarium I call my brain.

This weekend I assume will find me studying the second semester of organic chem. It's not fun, but it's a necessary evil in order to get to where I need to be. And I hope that this nervous/cautious optimism will last through the end of the semester.

For once, this isn't a post about romance. As a matter of fact, while I have been feeling a little lonely, I don't think I've really been interested much in romance. That could be a temporary thing due to the cycles of the moon and the female body, but whatever. Time will tell.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Today one of my friends point blank asked me the address of my blog. Wisely, I denied them and I feel a lot better. It's weird enough just knowing that Josh reads this which subconsciously curtails what I say, and I don't think I could handle writing around another critic.

School is picking up right where it left off, with lots and lots of work. Thursdays are the worst: I'm outside from 8am-4pm with only, like, two half hour breaks, only they don't afford me enough time to get something to eat or relax or anything like that. Drag.

Yesterday I got a chance to talk to one of the girls on the hall about some of the problems going on in her life.. she cried and everything, but I think she left here feeling better than she did. I encouraged her to relax and talk to her bf and things would work out better for her. I hope she found the solution to what's been going on in her life. She actually helped me too by recommending the Nuvo ring as a bc option. I've never known anybody who actually uses the ring, but it seems pretty convenient with three weeks on and one week off (like most bc stuff that's going on externally: pills, patch, etc). She also told me it's really affordable with a prescription through UHS here, which is an added plus. And I definitely need to get some better coverage. So many people are getting pregnant around me and whether I get fatter or not, it's not worth attaching a life to me for 18+ more years.. crazy.

Well I'm gonna go look up that info, then hit the hay. I still got class at 9am tomorrow morning. Later.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I haven't been around in a while, folks.. Things have been fine. Classes are alright so far, trying not to get left behind or anything in orgo II.. I'm eating a lot lately and itching due to dryness.. blah blah. Don't know why I have so little to say to you all.. it's weird. Maybe more later, darlings.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

I haven't been here in a while, I know. We don't have to talk about that. But anyway, there's nothing new here except snow.

Relationship with Josh is fine for the time being.. I'm feeling pretty even-tempered now I guess, bored, indulging my cravings instead of fighting them.

Guess I have much less to say than I thought.

My friend Josh Allen is on Jeopardy.. he goes to U of So. Cal and is that black actor guy in case you need to identify him. As you know, he's hella smart. So when you see him, cheer in your heart cuz you know someone who knows him. And then watch in amazement as he kicks ass and takes names.


Anyway that is all. Perhaps more later in the week. Bye bye.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

This post comes from Ann Arbor, folks. That's right; we're back here for round two of junior year and I'm hoping things will be a lot better. I finally got around to writing down some resolutions in the hopes that writing them down will help me keep them straight in my head as well. They include things from treating myself better as far as eating more fruit and veggies to trying not to raise my voice when in a heated discussion. I think I should also try to cry less, too.

This morning I woke up in Josh's bed for the first time in about 2 weeks or so, which was nice. We spent the previous evening together and I was supposed to go home at around 1 but we ended up falling asleep as usual. He woke me up with kisses everywhere, which was just lovely, but it still didn't change the fact that there were like 3 or 4 inches of snow on the ground outside for me to drive home in before my class at 9am. I fishtailed a little but made it in good time, so things were fine. I only had one class because the other two were cancelled, yay.. but that doesn't leave me with a great feeling about the next week once labs and discussions and such go into effect.

I went to Bible study tonight and shared my whole suicide thing with them--needless to say I cried when I talked about it--and they were very receptive to it. This one girl Ingrid actually came up to me later and told me she'd been going through some of the same things and we exchanged numbers and will probably hang out sometime. That's nice to know that other people are out there to support you even if they don't know you all that well. Some people are generally just good people.

*sigh* I don't know if there's much else to say as far as emotional stuff. I finally hooked up my flat panel monitor and cleared up a slew of space on my desk, which is excellent. Then again, the more space I have, the more cluttered I live my life. Ah well.

In keeping with my resolution, tomorrow I'm gonna get up early enough to get my hands on some fresh fruit with breakfast. Sweet dreams and pleasant tomorrow, all.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Warning: for those of you not equipped to handle my sexuality, I advise you to skip this post and maybe check back in tomorrow or something when I'm feeling a little less sexy.





But I'm glad you stayed. :) It should get interesting.




I just wanted to say that music is a very sexy thing. At times, even without words, a singer's voice can make a girl feel things that she hasn't felt in a long time, or things that she's never felt before. Personally, I enjoy music that's got a little compositional sophistication. I'll listen to pretty much anything that sounds good and find myself ignoring the words and just groovin' to the beat and the music of whatever it is. Later on, after the song is jammed in my mind like a fat kid's hand in a cookie jar, I go to look up the lyrics and find it's all about killing babies and raping ducks or something and then I'll feel kind of stupid. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. But anyway, sometimes the lyrics aren't as good as just the music. I should start buying instrumental versions of stuff...

That said, I really do enjoy Maroon 5's work. If they ever have time to jump on the internet and read random blogs (which, them being very famous I highly doubt), I pray they find their way to this little spot and read just how much I love what they do. See, to me, when a man is musical, he is hott. And whether he looks like Adonis or a butt-ugly ratface, he is hott and can get chicks. I don't think men understand that about me or they would all go get musical training, thereby securing the panty drawers. Anyway, Maroon 5 just has this sensual element in all of their songs that makes me inadvertently wish that I could, like, make out with Adam (at the very least). His voice is like warmed up taffy or molasses or something with a very low viscosity that drips slowly down my spine and you could trace the trail with your tongue or something. And then I turn into this huge puddle on the floor.. I can't help singing with them, either. And I listen again and again to the same song over and over until I've memorized each fluctuation of his voice.

To get a little graphic, I've never had sex to music, but to Maroon 5's stuff I think I might be able to. Even though I have a one-track mind in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say, I think their stuff would kinda get inside of you and become part of the rhythm of the whole act. They just ooze a dark room lit by nothing but raspberry-scented candles, maroon silk and gold trimmings. Being an English major, I have a very vivid imagination and I see that whole scene turning into something way steamier than daytime soap pillow talk. Ugh. I need to get laid.


In other news, I'm heading back to campus tomorrow (which is actually today now, since it's 2am CST) around 10:30 or so. The trip should be smooth assuming we don't get anymore of that cold cold rain which I hate so much. I definitely need to do some cleaning of my room; I'm sure it's an absolute mess. Anyways, I should get to bed and everything. 'Night, and have a good day.