I'm always kinda late to catch on to things. Double entendres go lost on me for a little bit, until I'm like, "ohhhhhh....". Then everyone turns around to look at me like, "What a dumbwad." It's more than doublespeak, though. Sometimes I'm late to catch on to the beauty of some trends (i.e. pink a couple seasons ago, and now it's green and purple comin' up this winter) and even music and food. This time, kids, I happened to be late catching the beauty of Maroon 5. Omg. This band is so awesome. I listened to one song and found myself needing to listen to five more new ones... I might go buy their cd (which is a big step, considering I'm the queen of piracy--up 'til now I've only bought five: 2 Matchbox Twentys cuz I love them, 1 Creed, 1 Fuel and 1 Staind).

So.. I went out last night to this girl Laura's party (no I don't refer to myself in the third person--she's a friend of a friend) and had such an awesome time I had to pinch myself when I got home. There were a lot of people there I just clicked with and Laura herself is just a taller version of me with an afro. She's adorable. Her sisters are adorable. Her dad's adorable (he wouldn't let me leave without giving me this huge bag of biscotti, samples from his work). We played Taboo, people--can you believe it? I was so happy at the end of the night I didn't know what to do with myself but chill out and go to bed.

Josh went out last night too, but I haven't heard from him all day. He usually stays out until the next morning which bothers me cuz he's out with "lady friends", but whenever he doesn't talk to me for an entire day it always weirds me out. Something could have happened to him and then how would I know? Who would call me? Geez. He really needs to buy a cell phone, and then a clue that you're supposed to call your friggin g/f if you don't IM her the day after a wild night of partying with your "lady friends". Whatever.

I took Nicole out to an early dinner at the Olive Garden and we had a fun time. She had the cutest stories about her and her brother and the way she tried to run away several times. Funny, but I never thought about running away at all. Guess I didn't think I had much of a place to go, lol. Besides, there were kinda a lot of sex offenders in my neighborhood (1 on my block and like 8 or so in a mile radius). Anyways, that will end this entry on a high note. I'd chalk this up to an excellent weekend if I didn't still have 3 more pages left to type for a paper due Tuesday. But that's not so bad in itself, is it? ;)

I hope your recovery Sunday was good for you, baby.

Hey guys.

Good news for me: My RA chose me as the PULSE representative for our hall. My duties, therefore, will include sundry activities such as: assisting girls who have gotten drunk (should they need it), providing information on birth control (i.e. dispensing condoms, pamphlets, etc.) and generally being the go-to girl for problems (besides stuff you'd go to the RA about). This is a great step towards being nominated for that position.. oman so excited!!

One thing I'm totally *not* loving about U of Michigan is its water system. I suppose because we're a university and there's gotta be enough water for all the students, etc. and because we pollute the heck out of the Huron River, the water is extra hard. I mean, it dries my skin out something awful. I can't seem to drink enough water to keep my skin from itching (my legs especially when I'm wearing jeans). It's like having the chicken pox, almost. I've tried upping the quality of my lotion and getting stuff for dry skin. I've bought Eucerin which is supposed to keep eczema-sufferer's skin moisturized. That doesn't work either. So it's like torture to walk around campus in itchy pants that you're just dying to remove.

Anyways, I guess I'll go to lunch and chug some more water. I might be back for a late-day update a bit later. Have a fun day, loves.

Just a note: I'm once again blogging this from the comfort of my own dorm room. Praises be to God, and to ITcom!!

I was thinking, on the way over here from classes, that there seem to be lots of things that we stop saying once we find ourselves with a significant other. I don't know why we stop saying them. Maybe it's because we fear our love will think we don't feel fulfilled and appreciated if we openly discuss the things we (thought we) wanted.

Maybe I'm crazy for feeling this way, but I miss some of those things. I miss some of the dreams I kept cloistered in my heart. When I was a younger girl I'd dream of some guy coming to rescue me--not from any extenuating circumstances or the pangs of adolescence, but from myself. He'd gallop up on horseback to seduce me with serenades and sonnets and take me away to his castle. There we would spend days locked in each other's embrace making out like bandits and nothing more. And that was fine with me. I never really dreamt of children or pets, just a man whose lips and tongue were never dry and whose arms would never tire.

In reality, sometimes love is less glamorous than we dream up. And I'll be the first to admit that there are times when I am disappointed in what turns out to be the real deal. Thankfully, those times are few and far between. Love is nothing like I expected it would be which is, in short, a mixed blessing.


And I can't think of anything else to say on that subject.

September 17 dawned bright, yet cold. And the day went by rather slowly. Right now, an hour after being released from organic chem lab, I blink my eyes in an attempt to get used to the natural light of the outdoors. I'm trying to get used to this whole school thing again.

There's something about being here in a world full of number-ones, twos, threes, tens, and even fifties. It's different. I've become a small fish in something more than a big pond--it's like the ocean here. There are freshman already on my level, if not beyond. And they all have big plans here. It's kind of difficult not to be stepped on on their way to glory and fame. Some of them will go on to research a cure for cancer or AIDS, or the common cold. Some of them I'll see on television five years from now. And some of them will agree to handle my case, consult with me on stocks, tell me that my fashion sense is lacking. All these children here are destined for greatness.

So how come I can't seem to find what I was put here to do? When I'm feeling good, it doesn't seem so hard to imagine myself in a white lab coat, administering a dose of hope to patients struggling with the disease of despair, or aiding mothers in the birthing process. Sometimes that dream seems as close as my fingers are to the keys as I type this. And other times it seems like I'll never get there. So much has accumulated in front of me, around me, boxing me into a closet of uncertainty. Will I finish my classes on time? Will I get anymore Ds? Am I smart enough to be anybody's doctor? Will I ever feel confident with numbers and figures or lab samples?

It'd be different if it were just about glory. But it's not. If I'm not meant for obstetrics and gynecology I'd like to know before I put the rest of everything I have into it. I want to find where I belong in God's plan for us. I'm more than just lost; I feel forgotten. Where's the encouragement? G.P.A. requirements, glittering resumés, glowing recommendations--all these serve to weigh me down with care. How will it ever be possible?


These are my deepest fears about school. I might write more of an entry later.

All of a sudden I have that Maroon 5 song "She Will Be Loved" stuck in my head.


Anyway, I was just thinking that I never write any deep thoughts anymore. It's not that I'm thinking less or experiencing less, but that there's just some things I've learned to keep inside. As I've grown older, I've realized the importance of keeping certain things to oneself. Of course there are the nosey who will tell you that every single flicker of thought upon the screen of your mind should be publicly projected, but that's bull. And just because people have a backstage pass to your show doesn't mean you have to let them in while you take a pee.

Hmm.. Good metaphors. Not great, but good. But I digress.

I've also been thinking a lot about predestination and things of that nature. I suppose the pagan would call it "fate" or whatever. I prefer to think that God has a vested interest in what goes on in our ephemeral little lives, interest vested enough to reach in and orchestrate things such that He makes himself known to us. There really are some things in my life that I can't explain other than through God. For one thing, how does it ever work out that I pay my tuition for UM every year? I didn't incur any debt until last year, and even then it was minute. How could I have won all those scholarships, things for which I was underqualified? What persuaded these people with goo-gobs of money to give to smart, talented kids, to pick me out of the masses of applicants? How could they see my heart, despite my crappy G.P.A. and interview jitters? Don't get me wrong, folks. I'm by no means the cream of the crap, but I'm not the bizomb either. And I just wonder how it all would have worked out had I not had people in the background praying for me.

Life would suck so bad if God didn't love you. Do you know that? Even if you don't explicitly believe in him, He still loves you. To make it personal, I know He loves me even in spite of myself, which is completely awesome. And a lot of times, I just feel really really guilty. I treat him like a lame friend that I only hang out with when nobody's looking.

Geez. I was so not going to type that previous paragraph, but you all need to know.

So... On a less intense note, I had plans to see Garden State tonight, but it seems like everyone's busy or has seen it already. I also have two papers to write for tomorrow's classes, leaving little chance of making it to the State Street Theater by 7 or 9 tonight. Maybe this weekend.

Umm.. I guess that's pretty much it. Happy Thursday all.

Things have been rather busy for me here at the U of Michigan. School stuff and social life stuff have kept me occupied such that I don't have many free moments to just chill and take some thinking time to write in my bloggy blog blog. But that's good. It means I'm growing. Last year I had entirely too much time on my hands, which allowed me to think stuff almost to the point of suicidal thoughts. And that's not good. As they say, an idle mind truly is the devil's playground (or something to that effect).

Geez, guys, tonight I'm almost too tired to think. Only had one class today, but then I came home for a little chill out time with a friend of mine (our friendship is developing into that little teasing stage and I'm thrilled) and then we went to dinner with some of the other girls from my hall. After that, I came back to my room and read some English stuff (Beowulf, if you're interested.. it's long and interesting, but mostly long) until I fell asleep. Then it was off to Bible study to get answers to some of my deepest theological questions. Tonight we talked about what happens after death and the second coming of Christ, etc. It was really interesting and I had a good time. Finally, I went to the Union for a few hours to do some more reading (there was so much reading planned for tonight.. ugh!!) which wore me out a bit.

But I couldn't go to bed without saying goodnight to my booby, so here I am.. Nicole and I are heading off to the gym tomorrow morning at 6:15, so I should probably make my way to bed in order to be fresh for morning. I love y'all, and be good to yourselves and each other.

Today has gone swimmingly so far. I suppose I might attribute it mostly to the fact that I didn't expect much of Monday, September 13. Anyway, I have a job lead (Michigan Telefund, which Josh worked exactly 1 day and then quit, lol), and... I guess that's it. Oh wait, I totally jammed in Intro Poetry today. I think the prof was a little impressed, but it seemed like I was the only person commenting on stuff at all today. I shall try not to let it go to my head before he asks us to put our money where our mouths are. That way, he won't be expecting more of me than I am willing or able to give.

This afternoon I have my first chem lab. It's a general chem lab where we discuss things and generally find everything through the lab, etc. I know I need to put on some closed-toe shoes (flip flops aren't gonna cut it for lab work, even if it is the first day). Problem is, though, that I'm wearing magenta capris and all I really have is either sneakers or these cute little ballet flats I don't think will go with the scheme of my outfit. A connundrum.. and who says that fashion is mindless?

(You should know that right now I am ferverently resisting all urges to spiel on the realm of fashion and people's feeling that it doesn't really matter what they put on. Okay. Re-sist-ance. Aaaannnnd I'm fortified. Onward we go.)

My internet's still out, so again I'm typing this from the comfort of the air-conditioned comlab, the only place in West Quad that's air conditioned. It's not very popular even at noon on a Monday, so.. I guess it's a good place to be. I've got plans to attend various meetings, etc. later this afternoon so I can say that my last years of college were well-spent on things that will make a difference to someone other than me and Josh once I've graduated. On that note, I'm going to go plan my schedule for later (and you can see I'm babbling, as these parentheses have popped up for what I'm thinking is the third time this entry alone. Oboy. Gotta go.) Love you all. Be good.

Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by the stuff that's going on around me.

I got my car this weekend and realized that there's really no point in having one on campus. It's a money drain and a hassle because there's nowhere to park on campus. I end up parking in a lot thats around the stadium, nowhere near where my dorm is--and it's not like I use it daily, either. Plus gas, plus the people who only love you because you have wheels.. But I'm working on my cheerful attitude about it, I swear.

When I come home this weekend after spending a couple nights with Josh, I find that our internet is out. So my roommate comes in and tells me that she had a few friends over last night and one of them rips the internet jack out of the wall. Instead of calling to have it fixed, she just leaves it there all night.. So our internet's out again. Great. I have to call the rescomp people and have them come fix our stuff. That's not so bad.

As if that weren't enough, though, she asks me quite bluntly, "Where were you last night?" And I'm thinking, "wtf, are you my mom now?" I gave her some story about where I was (because where I was is really my business, right?" and blah-blah-blah. That's a rude question. A better way to put it would be, "How was your weekend?" or something equally gently put.

Guys, I wouldn't be so put-out about all this hassle if I hadn't had my mom calling me and shiznit like that all weekend. I talked to her Friday night at like midnight and by like 4 on Saturday she's all calling me like "I need to know where you are, I'm worried about you.." Mother, I talked to you not 20 hours ago.. why are you freaking out?? I can't stand the way they hold the leash so tightly on me for no reason at all. And Jonathan can go out and stay with these figurative friends and have them be responsible for getting him home for the weekend and that they're fine with. It's so annoying.

I don't think I should have children. I don't want to run the risk of treating them like they're 5 when they're 20.

I'm one of those people who's content to hate things just for the sake of hating them. Like I'm an avid hater of all things pop. That music is just to sticky-sweet-teeny-bop crap for kids whose idea of angst is chipping a perfect mani the night before the Harvest Barn Dance.

Occasionally, though, some pop song separates itself from the mess of sticky bubble gum and preppy argyle to really grab me. And since I hate Jessica Simpson, it's all the more powerful: Ashlee Simpson's Pieces of me. Yes, I resent anyone who substitutes the traditional "y" for "ee". Yes she's shellacked with lip gloss from head to toe. Yes her voice causes the same effect for me as chewing tin foil. However, the words grab me because of their deep meaning. While I have no right to judge whether or not she understands what she's singing about, I feel that song is one of her good ones.

In other news:

Found out that I had yet one more book to buy. Thankfully, though, I found it online for a mere $40, lovingly used. I wish they'd sell all books like that. In addition to saving trees, we'd all save hundreds to thousands of dollars/year on books. And wouldn't that make people happier? Oh yeah.

I've decided to get involved in campus activities. Upon reflection I realized that up to this point my college career has been relatively uneventful. I'm not the party type and crowds give me a serious case of gas (just kidding--but I hate them). I'm not terribly popular, which doesn't bother me that much, but I'd still like to know I've made some lifetime friends somewhere before I die, you know? So I'm getting more involved with church and the Black Pre-Medical Association (which will hopefully hook me up later in my career here). I was also thinking of pledging in a sorority, but they don't have a chapter here. Perhaps it's at EMU or somethin, though. Gotta check that out.

Josh and I had a fight today about selfishness and seeing each other. I dunno if I've told you that he lives about half an hour away from campus each way. So it's no small feat to see him. Even though I'll have my car, my idea of a fun time is not getting in it to drive half an hour just to spend a couple of hours together. I don't enjoy driving anyway. Even so, we're bumping heads on the fact that now that I'll have transportation I'm not falling over myself to see him any chance I get. Hopefully he and I will work that out before we chop each others' heads off. And he said something about us getting dressed up this weekend. (I'm secretly hoping that he's taking me to dinner or something incredibly cool like that cuz he looks quite hott dressed up mmmm...)

Finally, Friday's classes are scheduled until 5, people, so wish me luck with 'em. The bro will be here to deliver the car, so all should be well. Leave love and be good tomorrow night, kids.

I don't usually post excerpts conversations as they're private parts of my life, but this is one I think you should read to the end. It's worth the read, promise.

[01:04] me: will possibly be back after shower
[01:06] Josh: ok my love
[01:06] Josh: i work 10-4 tomorrow
[01:07] me: ok
[01:07] me: I'm in class til 2:30
[01:07] me: *wishes she could see you at work*
[01:07] me: I like watching you
[01:07] Josh: hehe why
[01:08] me: gives me a tiny bubbly feeling of pride to know that you're mine.. and I like watching you moving, doing things, talking when you don't know I'm there
[01:08] me: *likes to peoplewatch anyway*
[01:09] me: shower
[01:09] Josh: you like watchin me huh
[01:09] *** Auto-response sent to Josh: take a bath in consecrated water from the shrine and wash away the mud of all the miles you left behind...
[01:10] me: yes
[01:28] Josh: I love you angel
[01:36] me: *kiss* I love you too Josh
[01:37] me: you're special
[01:40] me: you're smart, funny, caring, sweet, sexy, generous
[01:41] me: capable of so much more than I think you can see in yourself
[01:41] Josh: :) so are you
[01:41] me: meh not so much
[01:41] me: but you really are and you need to know that
[01:41] me: don't ever sell yourself short; you deserve better
[01:43] Josh: better than what
[01:43] Josh: i got the best, i got you
[01:43] me: :)
[01:44] me: *kisses you*
[01:44] Josh: *kiss*
[01:44] me: I meant with your life.. don't be ashamed or embarrassed, and don't be afraid of a little disappointment.. it's natural and no life is successful without some of it
[01:44] me: I'm learning that here at UM


And there you have it. I don't think I really need to say much more. Goodnight, and sweet dreams of brighter tomorrows.

Eureka, people! I finally have internet access from the comforts of my tiny little dorm room. I'm so thrilled it doesn't make sense! After installing the service pack 2 disk, it turns out that my computer is really better, so it all works out. Greatness.

First day of school turned out to be uneventfully dull. My English classes seem like they're going to be fine, but nothing has been especially moving. I get the feeling that English 350 (the one about Old English) is gonna be a little nerve-grating. At least the professors are fun-loving. We did have a few adult content jokes too, which is always good.

This afternoon Mike and Josh are supposed to be stopping by so we can go bowling. It'll be good. Then I might drop by Nicole's and surprise her and we can go to dinner or something.. Not sure. I'll let you know how my night turns out. Go Tuesday!!

Prologue

This blog comes on the eve of my first day of school Fall 2004. I'm a current junior (as far as credits go) and I guess I'm excited about making it past the halfway point in my college career.

Most of you already know about me. Even when starting a new blog, it's kind of difficult not to carry that old baggage with you. But I want to look at things with new perspective; I'm on the verge of adulthood.

Yes, I see your hand raised there in the back, and I've got you covered:
Adulthood, for me, is that point where I'm able to look at the world and say, this is my place. Or at least, this is where I want my place to be. I can cover for myself and fend for myself. I can speak up and make my own way. Not that I won't need anyone else's help, but the majority of things will be provided by me and the goal will be to make myself happy. (As it so happens, making me happy is partially achieved through making others happy. No jaded world views here, people, I'm happy to say.)

So join me, won't you, as I take these baby steps on that great journey toward--you guessed it--Adultivity.


Laura

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