September 17 dawned bright, yet cold. And the day went by rather slowly. Right now, an hour after being released from organic chem lab, I blink my eyes in an attempt to get used to the natural light of the outdoors. I'm trying to get used to this whole school thing again.

There's something about being here in a world full of number-ones, twos, threes, tens, and even fifties. It's different. I've become a small fish in something more than a big pond--it's like the ocean here. There are freshman already on my level, if not beyond. And they all have big plans here. It's kind of difficult not to be stepped on on their way to glory and fame. Some of them will go on to research a cure for cancer or AIDS, or the common cold. Some of them I'll see on television five years from now. And some of them will agree to handle my case, consult with me on stocks, tell me that my fashion sense is lacking. All these children here are destined for greatness.

So how come I can't seem to find what I was put here to do? When I'm feeling good, it doesn't seem so hard to imagine myself in a white lab coat, administering a dose of hope to patients struggling with the disease of despair, or aiding mothers in the birthing process. Sometimes that dream seems as close as my fingers are to the keys as I type this. And other times it seems like I'll never get there. So much has accumulated in front of me, around me, boxing me into a closet of uncertainty. Will I finish my classes on time? Will I get anymore Ds? Am I smart enough to be anybody's doctor? Will I ever feel confident with numbers and figures or lab samples?

It'd be different if it were just about glory. But it's not. If I'm not meant for obstetrics and gynecology I'd like to know before I put the rest of everything I have into it. I want to find where I belong in God's plan for us. I'm more than just lost; I feel forgotten. Where's the encouragement? G.P.A. requirements, glittering resumés, glowing recommendations--all these serve to weigh me down with care. How will it ever be possible?


These are my deepest fears about school. I might write more of an entry later.