I'm sure I've felt regret over lots of things in my life thus far. But after that initial inward cringe wears off, all I feel is stupid and hurt. Believe it or not, most of my mistakes are not due to me not knowing any better. Everybody's always said that I'm a smart girl. And my memory is nowhere near as bad as I pretend--as a matter of fact it's excellent. I always seem to remember every single thing I've done wrong. But as I said, most of my mistakes aren't because I didn't know better. Actually, there have always been signs whenever I shouldn't have done something, from things like taking the wrong expressway to my mom coming home early. I'm a stubborn girl so I always persist doing those things even through obstacles. Tenacity in all the wrong places, you see.

One day I will grow up and stop persisting with things that are bad ideas. I usually ignore my gut feelings and go ahead with whatever I want, but one day, one day I will make things different.

I hate being cryptic so often in this blog. The thing about letting people you know in on your personal life is that they will inevitably ask questions. I hate that so much... So fuck it, I am going to say what I want anyway. If you don't like me afterward you can go fuck yourself with a hot curling iron.

I begged Josh on Sunday night to let me come see him because as we all know I have an addiction to him. He was very cool at first and said that he didn't really know, what was my schedule, etc. So I begged him--yeah, I begged--to let me come out. This is after I broke up with him last Thursday (the 18th). I came over and we watched part of Man on Fire and then we ended up sleeping together even though I didn't initiate it. I guess part of me knew that it would happen that way anyway even though i didn't plan on it. And then he said he thought I should leave before it happened again and I thought, what are we, casual fucks now? And it's never been that way--at least not with him--and it hurt my feelings so much that I tried even harder to get him to see that us being together that way isn't a mistake.. But it was a mistake because he told me that he still needed time. And then I felt like well damn I should probably go home. But then that stupid persistend fucking girly emotional part of me is like, don't reject me love me please I need you to because nobody else can or will! And so I spent the night over his house and woke up at 10:30. He wanted me to leave so I could go to class cuz he's all about not being an enabler or whatever.. and I fought him off for a while because we were up til like 4am and i didnt sleep much and just generally didnt want to leave because despite everything I still like being with him.. then I was like fuck it and fuck you if you want me to go I will go and without a word I just left. I'm still angry and I hate myself for being so damn emotional about this whole thing.. i wish i could say that i never want to ever go over there or see him again or be with him because it's just so damned frustrating that i feel like a godddamned second string player and i wish i could just turn off my heart and run completely on brain and fuck who I want when i want and not have it turn into a conversation about either Jesus or me being a slut.. i dont want to have to turn to overeating to help me cope with all this garbage either.. i wish i could have some willpower and control over something and starve myself to death just to prove that i could do something all the way to the end and that would be like a giant "fuck you world!" and that would make me feel good. I want to have money to throw at problems and maket hem go away. i want to be a bitch and not care about who loves me or likes me or who doesnt. i want people to cram it with walnuts and dont waste my time or theirs with pity. and if things don't change inthe next few days I am going to do somethig drastic but i dont know what that is yet. but it will probably involve something sharp.

I feel washed out today, tired, like an old smelly wet rag.

This morning I woke up and realized that I couldn't move my car because I didn't have my car keys. And I couldn't re-enter my dorm because my brother who had driven me here last night still had my keys and M-card, what I need to get in the dorm. You know me; I totally freaked out this morning and must've called him like 12 times so he'd wake up. Sure enough he did and brought my stuff back, so it all worked out.

Even still, I feel shitty.

And I kind of feel pathetic. I've been begging Josh to let me see him this evening after he gets off work, which I totally know I shouldn't do when I'm the one who said I need a break and all.. I know that it's totally pathetic and that makes me a loser, but whatever. I'm mostly trying to convince myself that all I need is to be alone and not bother him or anyone else with my issues right now, but it's hard being so damned lonely. I don't even have the desire to talk to anyone else right now.

It gets easier and easier to understand why it is that people kill themselves. Geez, living is so damned hard.

I think I'll take a shower soon.

Thanksgiving break was tolerable. I was frustrated a lot, as usual, but then I realized that much of it was probably due to PMS. Since then, I've calmed down somewhat but retain much of the anxiety that plagued me even before I left for home.

I won't depress you with specific details about my weekend because it's not really worth it. Let's just say that I'm thankful to be back here and in good health, and I hope that things run a bit more smoothly now that I've returned.


Earlier this afternoon I was thinking about the nay-sayers in my life, those who don't think me capable of doing certain things. I myself have been part of that group who stands and points and considers me not good enough, and that's wrong. So I will now try to do better by myself and not settle or psych myself out of the good things life has to offer. There's a lot I'm capable of and there's no way I'm done making a difference--I haven't started yet.

Enough pep talk; time to go watch more episodes of The Simpsons on my comp.

P.S. Fuck you, Joe. It will get easier and easier to cut you out of my life.

So that I never have faith in the school system, this year I find myself in the same predicament as every other year with money. I can never seem to get my hands on enough of it, sadly. Michigan says that I owe them 2700 US and I just don't have it. Turns out I can't even increase my loans. And there's no way to get other loans without using my parents as co-signers, and even if there was, I don't think there'd be any way to do that in the next few days so that I can register. I always hate myself around this time of year for wanting to be with Josh so badly that I have to pay upwards of $120k for school--a school where he's not even present anymore. Stupid stupid stupid stupid young Laura. If I had it to do over again, I'd have gone somewhere else, plain and simple.

Yes I'm frustrated. No, I don't want to talk to my parents about it because all they can seem to do is yell at me about how stupid I was for making the decision at 17 to go to college because of a boy. And maybe they're right, but yelling doesn't help me out of a $3000 jam. So they can cram it with walnuts in that area.

I need to rob a bank or commit some serious credit card fraud in the next couple of days or I'm fucked dry in the ass. Later.

If you can tell where these lines originate, I will give you five virtual bucks:

Yeah I'm a freak of nature
Yeah I'm a freak
I don't really know
How to put on a cool show
As boring as they come
Just tell me where to go
If only I could be as cool as you


Ok.. umm nothing else for right now, but maybe more fun later.

I've been having troubles with blogger all day.. it's funny how when I most feel like typing something I can't.. weird.

Anyways...

So this breakup thing is hard, but life goes on. Sometimes I wish I had a single so I could just shut the door to the world and sleep until--well, whenever. I suppose my free moments I spend with my head cocked to the right staring off into space and thinking about nothing much at all except what my life must look like in the space of relationships: sorta blackness. It's my fault, just like it always is. And maybe things will get better with time, but I can't be optimistic about the future when it sucks so much just getting through right now.

Olivia's been good though. She doesn't let me lay around very much.. This weekend she had all her friends over so I didn't have much of a moment to myself, and then she even invited me out with them a couple of times. I felt bad refusing such a generous offer so.. whatever. I basically am stringing along so many activities I don't have a chance to get super down again. That sucked.

On to more pressing things, though: my friend who I'm sure I've mentioned countless times here in this blog has come back into my life. Amazing how he picks the opportune times to come back in, like he has a damn secret video camera feed of my life. (I was into that whole voyeur thing on iFriends, a soft/hardcore adult site. don't lecture me though--I chickened out before my first broadcast lol) So anyways, whenever we talk I always feel amazingly comfortable and free and even sexy.. so it's kind of like a drug. But then, being with him makes me end up doing things I don't want to do and he says things that hurt and generally I end up feeling like crap later. Josh seems to think that he's bad for me (with good reason), but you know how I am. Like most girls my age, I don't want anybody telling me what to do with my life or who to hang out with or who to see, whatever. That's my choice, I figure. But even so, people who are bad for you are pretty obvious.

Anyway, I'm off to dinner.. later.

It's not getting better, these feelings.

I think I am depressed.

You know, I actually thought about suicide--didn't consider it, just contemplated it. What would the world be like without me? It might be that much better. Came to a conclusion, though: that's a dumb way out. Stupid. I mean, who's to say I won't get hit by a bus Final-Destination-style tomorrow morning crossing the street on the way back to WQ? I should at least let God decide whatever.

I talked to a panel of LGBT people in my PULSE meeting last night. Sometimes it seems like they market LGBT as some sort of disease we all need to be extra aware of... It just seems to me that it's a choice. I don't want to debate you or read your hate mail so bugger off about that; I'm tired of being called a homophobe just for feeling differently. Whatever. Anyway, I told the LBGT panel that I thought homosexuality was a sin, but that we all sin in different ways so who am I to call your sin worse than mine when I'm in the same jail cell with you? And their faces immediately plummeted. So now I have the entire gay communtity after me with pitchforks and torches.. yay. I guess my ideas make me a bad person but I can't bring myself to think any differently about that.

Josh and I are "separated", if you will, because I need a break. I'm just so fucking frustrated from everything that's going around.. I'm quitting my job and getting a loan for school despite what my parents say.. they won't help in this area so they can just leave me alone.

I'm angry for some reason I dont understand and I want to talk about it but I dont so whatever... I think I will go to sleep again.

Both my nerves and patience are quickly waxing thin. Last night I couldn't sleep at all.. I'd taken a nap around 6 and ended up sleeping until 10, then I couldn't sleep at all and stayed up til 6am, then fell asleep around 6:45 or so and woke up at noon today. Sleeping pattern's off. Feeling shitty blah. Wanting to yell or scream or kick things or at least releive the stress that's building up inside me like harmful fumes that need to escape before explosion. I need to vent out loud.

I just feel so freaking annoyed at the tiniest things and holding that has pretty much sapped my energy. Can't even think up a way to let it all out so I just hold it here, which is pretty stupid but whatever.

Anyways, about life these days:

I have an RA interview in South Quad tomorrow afternoon at 3. That's 30 mins after class ends so I'm gonna check makeup and just go straight over there nonstop. Then I need to hop back in the car and drive out to Josh's (in rush hour traffic) to be with him on his birthday. We're prolly just gonna get dinner and perhaps see a movie or something.. not sure. But anyway, just gonna do that then come home and go to class wednesday then drive out there and spend the night at his place so I can drop him off here in A^2 at his advising appointment on Thursday.. then after my classes I have to take him home and zip back here for work.. prolly got a paper to type up as well... Then Friday is work, lab, class, etc then making up for tomorrow night's missed work. I think Josh wants me out again on Saturday to hang with him again as well. What a freakin' week.

That's what the days are like around here, so you can imagine why I'm in such a pissy mood most of the time.

I'm still worried that my feelings about my relationship with Josh won't change and I'll end up resenting him more because we're always together on his birthday but never on mine. It's nobody's fault really, but it does suck ass. I kind of feel underappreciated but then I feel guilty and that just makes things worse. Ugh. It's depressing me even more than all this other stuff and I wish he and I could have more time to spend with each other where he didnt want to be on the computer or in front of the tv or with his friends--time other than us in bed together, talking or something interesting that would help me know that we still value each other for ourselves, you know? It's so frustrating to be in a relationship where your lover is just used to you and you get pushed into the schedule along with everything else.

Time to drown sorrows in chocolate and episodes of The Simpsons off my computer.

I long to develop a life outside of my boyfriend. I haven't had a best friend in ages, and it would be wonderful to have someone I could tell my deepest everything to without fear of reprisal or thinking that they'd tell my parents. I want someone who will love without judging, if that's even possible.

I only just recently developed a friendship with Nicole. Since we haven't known each other but a year (and we didn't talk at all over the summer), it hasn't been easy to reveal the not-so-nice parts of myself to her. And I'm not even sure if I want to.. We're so different: she's never had a job until this year; she's still a virgin; she doesn't think too highly of white people (as in there's always a distrust there because she said she's been burned by them before); she loves r&b. And I'm the opposite, really: I've had a job every year, during school and summer, since freshman year of college. Before that, in high school, I worked in the summers between school time. I'm definitely not a virgin. I feel hurt a lot by different people, but I don't hate them or even dislike the entire group of them.. I guess I mostly internalize that. And I love rock and adult contemporary. We're just different, and there are parts of myself I feel that I can't even reveal to anybody because there's no way they'd think the same way about me.

It feels like I'm here at college and everybody's living but me. I'm just busy doing things that will somehow pay off later, etc.--well what about now? I want more out of life. I want respect, happiness, friendship and a good time. I want to be able to talk for hours with my friends. Hell, I wanna talk for hours with my boyfriend. I want to give and receive hugs without feeling "weird" about it. I want to make people smile whenever I'm with them.

It's freaking frustrating that I can say all these things and never act on them. Wonder what's holding me back...

I dunno. But it's time to do more work, so later.

I feel like I've lost my love for expressing myself. Remember when updates and posts used to be a daily thing? Sometimes there was even more than one post per day. I guess that was when I had something to say. Now, so much of myself has been broken off and given in pieces to so many groups and activities that there's nothing left to give to my writing. It makes me feel very dry and brittle. And I miss you all.

Anyway, I hope you're well. And I'm sorry that we re-elected George Bush as president.