I long to develop a life outside of my boyfriend. I haven't had a best friend in ages, and it would be wonderful to have someone I could tell my deepest everything to without fear of reprisal or thinking that they'd tell my parents. I want someone who will love without judging, if that's even possible.

I only just recently developed a friendship with Nicole. Since we haven't known each other but a year (and we didn't talk at all over the summer), it hasn't been easy to reveal the not-so-nice parts of myself to her. And I'm not even sure if I want to.. We're so different: she's never had a job until this year; she's still a virgin; she doesn't think too highly of white people (as in there's always a distrust there because she said she's been burned by them before); she loves r&b. And I'm the opposite, really: I've had a job every year, during school and summer, since freshman year of college. Before that, in high school, I worked in the summers between school time. I'm definitely not a virgin. I feel hurt a lot by different people, but I don't hate them or even dislike the entire group of them.. I guess I mostly internalize that. And I love rock and adult contemporary. We're just different, and there are parts of myself I feel that I can't even reveal to anybody because there's no way they'd think the same way about me.

It feels like I'm here at college and everybody's living but me. I'm just busy doing things that will somehow pay off later, etc.--well what about now? I want more out of life. I want respect, happiness, friendship and a good time. I want to be able to talk for hours with my friends. Hell, I wanna talk for hours with my boyfriend. I want to give and receive hugs without feeling "weird" about it. I want to make people smile whenever I'm with them.

It's freaking frustrating that I can say all these things and never act on them. Wonder what's holding me back...

I dunno. But it's time to do more work, so later.