I pride myself on having the answers so often that I sometimes forget that even people younger than myself can help me out. Today, while watching "Real World", a girl started talking about how she suffered from bulimia and another girl said how she could never do that to herself and how she just loves food blah blah blah etc. The other girl said that it's not like bulimic people get rid of food because they like to, it just makes them feel in control. And I remarked that she was right, and my roommate asked if I'd ever done it. Well, I told her the truth--that I have and that sometimes I still do whether I want to or not. It's a way to feel more in control of the things I put in my body and the way I look. And the feelings that make me do it arent' fun and they swirl out of control and it's just a way to stop them... I guess that's why people cut themselves or starve themselves--for control.

A lot of times I feel like this shouldn't happen to me as an african american because I guess society characterizes bulimia as a white girl's problem (I know I talk about race a lot in this blog, sorry), but it's not. My roommate said very wisely that this is a woman's problem because of what we've been force-fed by society for all our lives.

Anyway, I once tried to talk to a friend about this but this friend wasn't really responsive and abandoned me (generally speaking) for someone who "needs [him] more". That makes me feel like my problems aren't important, or that I shouldn't have any, or that they're all not serious and are something I should be able to handle. But sometimes I really do feel out of control.. especially about what I eat and how I feel about how I look. What I really need is someone to talk to about it, someone who won't necessarily tell me, "you're beautiful you're beautiful", but mostly someone to listen to me bitch and moan about what I don't like. It's all pent up in here and it expresses itself whenever I purge. It's the wrong way to handle things and it's not healthy--that I know. But more than a lecture, I just need a listening ear. I'm so tired of feeling out of control and embarrassed and I need some help from someone who thinks I'm worth listening to...

Oh well. I'm glad you let me get that off my chest. Have a good Monday.