Monday, September 26, 2005

words, words, words...

I live off words. Writer or not, I live for the feelings they evoke and the moments they capture. It's something primal in me that hungers for them, making me feel my femininity in my fascination with their aural quality. If you want to stretch things a bit, you could conjure up a connection between aural and laura--not quite backward, but close enough to fool your eyes.

I fill my quiet moments dreaming of books: those already read, those to be conquered and the novels I'll pen in my autumn years. Each time I read something, I feel the author's tone take over me as I begin to narrate my waking life. Since I was about 6 and understood that universal quality behind storytelling I've secretly narrated my own life, thinking in 3rd person to myself, unwilling to miss any moment. It's a little shameful, but I enjoy it. No, I live for it.

That said, I wonder if I can ever find contentment in a world beyond the oral story or even the written word. I long for heartfelt conversation with the one I love, sharing insights and opinions on any topic imaginable. Although I suppose he means well, each "mmhmm" feels like a dismissal. Maybe it's that he doesn't know what to say, but I find it so hard to imagine a world that's so flat. Mine is color-infused such that every whisper of wind leaves its mark on my consciousness. Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I do see things and think of them, making connections and imagining things. It's hard for me to accept that the desire to make sense of one's world in this way can be turned off indefinitely. Yes, we are different people. But sometimes I wonder if we aren't too different in this way. I don't claim that my way is the right way, or even the only way, and I wish that we could meet in the middle. Maybe that way that word-lover in me will be satiated a little bit.

I still love him, though, maybe more because I'm helpless despite this huge part of me that's like "ENOUGH!" a lot of the time. *sigh* So this is love when opposites attract...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I'm happy to have Josh here for the next couple of days.. missing him has been driving me nuts so it feels really good to come home from class and see him passed out on my futon.

Bad news: the frat I rushed for cut me in the first round, and the application I sent in to write/edit children's books was rejected. So I'm kinda feeling the forlorn-ness of rejection right now. Even so, while I know that both those ventures are productive ones, they lost a great candidate when they lost me. And anything that rejects me I'm going to try and let roll off my back. What-ever.

So... I'm just gonna chill and enjoy being with my boyfriend--who I'm going to start calling "boyfriend" a lot more--or at least I'm trying to. I love him and it's time for me to stop worrying so much about what people will potentially think.


Later.

Monday, September 19, 2005

missing Josh, and other stuff

Last night was a little rough as far as missing Josh goes. I wanted to be with him so bad that I cried a little... And he and I spent about an hour on the phone bargaining over him coming him. I still miss him, but we plan on seeing each other on Thursday.

It's amazing how many things I'm finding to do this school year, but despite my large amount of free-time I'm still not finding enough hours in the day. Maybe I should be better organized.

I've also been stalling on figuring out my law school apps, but on the plus side I'm rushing a pre-law coed frat. So tomorrow's individual interviews in front of a group of current members, which should be interesting. I'm slightly nervous but I'm still confident that this is something I can handle. We'll see.


I can't wait for Josh to come here to spend some time with me. I miss his warmth in bed with me. I love him...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

If I don't see Josh once a week I swear I go through withdrawals. I haven't seen him since last Saturday/Sunday and I really miss our closeness. Without him, the week seems to have lost its luster.. Our idleness on weekends just makes the crap of the previous week melt away.

I'm lazy tonight. Josh I love you.

Friday, September 16, 2005

On the Veranda

She sat on the veranda, the quiet patter of raindrops soothing her jangled nerves. The irregular, hollow rhythm of the rain on the stairs of their front porch lent a white noise to her sourroundings, and she snuggled deeper into the comortable wicker rocker that had graced the porch since earlier that summer. Drawing her knees upward, she rested her feet the battered cusihion of a plastic chaise lounge that had seen many summers of barbecues and beers.

She stared down at her newly-manicured toes, looking beyond the pristine shellac and into her own thoughts. The soft rain lulled her into tender thoughts of Ryan, wherever he must be at 2:13am on a Friday morning. He must be at home. Was he near a window, listening to the rain and thinking tender thoughts of her as well? Were men capable of such romance? The practical woman inside her chuckled, and a smile curved the corners of her mouth. No, she could not imagine Ryan Flaggstone beside an open window in his dark bedroom tenderly dreaming of her in his arms. That poetic bullshit might work for heroes in the trashy novels that fed her own lust for literary porn, but men just weren't that way in reality.

Instead of reassuring her, however, the thought that Ryan would never succumb to romance on a rainy night in early autumn possessed her with a sudden sense of dejection. Realistically, had Ryan felt the things she felt when she gazed into his languid, blue-grey eyes? He had seemed so intense--passionate, even--as he lay her across his bed, but was the fire in those eyes kindled by romance or a throbbing in his pants?

She sighed, hugging herslf, chilled by a rain-cooled breeze and her own heavy thoughts.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

What's Love...

...besides fodder for popular music and an excuse for horny teenagers to explore each other's naughty parts in the backseat of the family car?

It's an interesting question, one that's pervaded my thoughts since I was old enough to grasp the concept of relationships among people. After several false alarms and crushes that left me, well, crushed, in middle school I was ready to experience the real deal. I remember high school and waiting for the day I'd fall in love. What would it feel like; who would he be? Would he love me in return? Would it be the two of us against the world? Needless to say I was lightning-quick to diagnose myself a sufferer of unrequited love once I met a boy from California. He was reasonably cute, nice to me, and he'd drunk dial me at night. Amazingly enough, those conversations brought us closer together. Amazing how the drunk dial always has that potential, innit?

I began calling him (sober) after my parents would go to bed and he and I stayed up talking most nights. Soon after, we decided to pursue a "relationship" with one another.. He had never had a girlfriend, and since I'd fooled around (i.e. limited amount of stealing kisses and letting some guy touch my undeveloped chest), I cnsidered myself a relationship authority. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I still remember the way he looked and what he said. Those memories remain, even though it was nearly ten years ago and now I consider myself in love with a different man. What is it about love, or the feelings surrounding it, that allows us to hold on to those kinds of memories when we can't even remember last night's dinner?

Anyways, he and I were pretty close, and had even planned to be each other's first sexual experience until I met Josh at a summer program in my hometown, Chicago. I was not particularly attracted to him at first. Though he was a funny guy, I was too young to have really put effort into realizing he liked me, or flirting back. I was oblivious. Though Josh's technique for winning me was a little underhanded, I still became attracted to his big open heart, quick wit, and his uncanny ability to make me laugh at the most profane thing. I truly believe that, though he irritated the hell out of me by following me around everywhere during the first week or two of our "relationship", I was falling for him at the same time. Or, perhaps we were developing an attachment that went beyond the schoolyard idea of girlfriend/boyfriend dynamic. At least I was--can't speak for him.

I just remember that falling for Josh was different than I'd ever experienced "falling" before. It affected my body in some strange ways that I couldn't explain, either. From insomnia to lost appetite to inability to think of anyone else, falling for Josh wasn't easy for me. I just remember that I had no idea what was going on with me and him. I was clueless, until one of my friends suggested that I might be in love with Josh. He meant it as a joke, but my mind latched on to that idea and turned it over a few times... Strangely, even though I didn't really want it to, that idea made sense. How could I rationalize that, however, when I still technically had a boyfriend at home? I didn't want to believe that my heart could be split and feel for two people at the same time, but to my knowledge it had.

Later I discovered that my love for Josh did bloom then in that short period of time. Since then it's blossomed into something that I don't understand, something I can't even fathom, really. I could describe it in words like, addicting or obsessing, but I could also use words like inescapable and fated. My loving him has its downs, but then it has these indescribable highs. Through it all, I want him. I want to be there for and with him and to have him do the same for me. It's frightening sometimes. I suppose if he's willing to continue the discovery, for time being so am I. Maybe one day we'll figure out what love really is.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

on the Miller boys

I spent last night with Josh at his house, just enjoying being together. Even though we annoy the hell out of each other a lot of times, I have to say he's the most romantic man I've ever really been with. I know that he understands the value of romance, and that makes me pretty happy. Like tonight we came home from the bar and he wanted to cuddle with me--a man who wants to cuddle! It's amazing. He loves to kiss my feet and when I put my head on his chest or lay it in his lap while we're watching tv. Strangely enough, sometimes he's one of the most sensitive guys I've ever known. It's amazing.

Don't get me wrong though. Josh can certainly be a butthole.. like it's almost impossible to get him to pay attention to me on a Saturday or Sunday while football's going on unless it's a commercial. But I'im gonna try and dwell on his good points.. at least for now. :)

His brother on the other hand... We were at the bar this evening with his bro and friends and it was extremely weird. At first it was okay.. (and by the way, Buffalo Wild Wings has the most amazing Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich ever) and then the drunker his brother got the more he started hitting on me, sort of as a joke, but I wasn't sure. And it made me extremely uncomfortable. I mean, Josh trusts him obviously because they're brothers, and his bro does have his sweet moments, but I still believe that he's just a guy, like anyone else. There's no danger of anything happening on my side because for one, his brother is, well, Josh's brother--plus he's not attractive to me at all (way too skinny). But I don't like feeling out of control, and when people overtly hit on me I lose that control. It's not a fun feeling.

Anyway, I'm back in Ann Arbor for now, and it's time to put some energy toward studying. There's just something about homework that makes me not want to do it, lol. Plus I haven't really had much time for relaxation over the summer and we're already back in the school year again. It's sad. But I said that I'd try not to complain so much, right? Ok. Starting now. :)

I really wish Josh would reveal more of himself through writing. Though we've known each other for almost 7 years come July or so, I feel like there's so much more about him I could learn. If you're reading this, Josh, go post in your blog! I love you.

And I love all of you. Nite!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Pre-grad freak out

I'm having another little crisis.. as graduation approaches I find myself growing more and more afraid that I'll have nothing to do come April. I know that I don't really want to go to law school except to have something decent to do with my life.. My passion isn't law, or teaching really... I want to write. And I don't know how to be able to do that for a market that grows increasingly competitive with each passing day. I read other people, like Hugo, for example.. and then I read my stuff and I really don't see any comparison. I just want to cry with frustration. It's like my worst fears realized--all this money spent for the experience of doing something wild and wonderful with my life only to end up like the other college graduates with nothing to do after graduation.

I have to be willing to work hard to get what I want. And I suppose what I could want is to go into publishing. But how do you tell your parents that it's taken you longer than normal to figure out what it is you were put on earth to do? And once you've told them, how do you make life work out alright? I wonder. If anyone has already graduated and is successfull.. or even if you're not, counsel me. I really need some help.

Thanks,

Laura

Complaining 101 for non-dance majors

I've noticed that I tend to complain a lot, especially in situations where I feel hopelessly inadequate. It's those times where I feel like talking, my strong point, will alleviate some of the pressure and stress on my fragile spirit. Yeah, after all the stuff I've put myself through I'd still describe me as fragile. In a way, maybe I'm fragile in that I allow people to see my vulnerability while others don't. Does that make me, therefore, more vulnerable or unintelligent--in a word, weak? I'm not really sure.

Those who see the glass as half empty would say that allowing others to see one's shortcomings makes one vulnerable and, consequently, at a disadvantage. Those who take a more optimistic view would perhaps value the honesty that a person like me brings with her openness. So where do I fit in, as a realist? I'd say it pretty much does suck a lot of the time, especially when there are so few people willing to be vulnerable in this world. Maybe it goes back to what I said yesterday about how it's unlikely that people will make drastic changes anytime soon, that we're basically the same person we always have been, etc. In some situations people do tell me they value my honesty and open nature, but those times are so few and far between that I wonder if it's worth it.

I suppose what brought all this up was my horrible inadequacy in dance class. As a person who enjoys doing things well the first time around, I was really rather upset with my teacher's choreographing 30 different gestures (one for each of us as we expressed on the first day of class) into a dance that she both choreographed and performed in a span of 30 minutes. Keeping in mind that this is Modern Dance 101 for nonmajors, I (and probably most of us were as well) was feeling overwhelmed. This was my first experience with dance in a long time, and I belive I learn best when allowed to watch someone do something over and over and over again, slowly, so as to break down their movements into their basic forms and then recombine them. A person with natural talent--a dancer--would be able to see something and then force her body to move as such with little problem. I am not yet a dancer, hence the 101 class for nonmajors. There were people who had taken dance from kindergarten through high school and they were looking with contempt, but I thought to myself, "You all have tons of experience. The last time I danced was when I was about 5, and my mom removed me from the program before our first performance. So keep your annoyance to yourself." I hate when I suck. *sigh*

But again, that's where the complaining thing kicks in. I want to train myself to be a more positive person. That, coupled with my realist tendencies will keep me from suicide, lol. Well.. maybe that's not so funny. But it's true.

I have about 3 more hours until my next class. Man I love my schedule.

Later, all.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

It's been so long, I think I got jitters.

I love college--school in general, really--because each new year brings with it a chance to reinvent the stale. I'm in love with the purging of battered old supplies and restocking the shelves with bright, crisp folders, virgin notebooks, and backpacks still fragrant with the smell of success.

Each new school year brings new classes, new students, new professors, new challenges. I find myself saying time and time again how this year will be different from its predecessors, but that never really is the case. Though I defer to my general stupidity most of the time, I will say that the past 7 years or so have taught me that, in most cases, people don't change that much. Sure, some will see that as a pessimistic view, but I say it's realism. Now I won't get tangled up in unattainable dreams and goals, you know? Maybe a few things will change, but underneath it all I'll still be myself, the same Laura. For me, that's pretty comforting.

I haven't written in awhile because blogging is an effort, as you know. This summer I actually stepped back from writing and instead plunged myself into reading. If I include books from class, I'd say I read about 45 books/novels this summer (the last five of which were Stephen King novels from the Dark Tower series that my on-again-off-again friend Joe adores). It wasn't too bad an effort, and I'll pretty much read anything I get my hands on, especially when I'm in the zone as much as I was this summer. Almost anything was possible then, probably because I was so bored I was willing to try anything.

I've settled into a comfortable tiredness, really.. sleeping a bit more than usual, but I suppose college tends to have that effect. Perhaps it's the food. But to keep you updated:

This year I'm a Resident Advisor at Betsy Barbour hall, an all-female dorm that houses about 300 girls (if that many). It should be an interesting year, and already I've had girls coming to me for advice and expressing their general concerns which have been really cute. So far, I enjoy the job. Then again, I've always loved giving out pellets of advice like a pez dispenser.

I'm a senior this year, and part of me is scared shitless..I've learned that I'm not really sure I want to be a lawyer. That being said, though, I'm not sure what the hell I want to do with my life, so I'm pretty much going that way until something better/more interesting presents itself. I think I might like to work with college students or something. Teaching is actually kind of fun (please don't tell my mother I said that).

Josh and I are in a semblance of a relationship again. For those of you who have followed this blog since its conception and are now emitting a groan of consternation, I'm sorry. But you know how hard it is to cut people out of your life. Besides, at this point, I'm not really sure that I want to. Josh has his faults (and so do I, of course), but he's Josh. He is there for me, and he loves me, and I love him, heaven help me. Like I said before, people really don't change all that much.

So, that's it for the update for the time being. I do have, like 12 credits this semester so maybe I'll be updating much more frequently than before due to extra free time. We'll see though. Feel free to comment, loves.