I'm officially a world class senior...

...and world class citizen, but not a world class senior citizen. That blew your mind, didn't it?


I just finished my last final today which means that I'm officially a senior class member who will be graduating in May 2006. It's exciting yet scary in a wonderful, wonderful way. It's amazing how in 2002 I was just here at the crossroads of my life and waiting for something wonderful to happen. Now, with the anticipation and the attention of a toddler, I'm impatient for the next phase to begin. I guess this means I'm one step closer to becoming an adult.

Question: Is it me or do you feel a bit dumber the older you get?

How weird is that? :) I remember being 15 and 16 and believing that I could handle this all on my own and didn't need advice, that as soon as I got to college that I'd become this completely different and better person who had a ton of friends and made a long "thing" with Josh, blah blah. But turns out that here I am on the verge of 20 and I'm not that way at all--thankfully. Maybe I'm coming around, beginning to like who I've turned out to be. I love being the person that can make people laugh in the dining hall with my toilet humor even though they've had a shitty day. I love that when people want to go out they come down and knock on my door to ask what I'm wearing. I love being drunk-dialed. I love giving advice.

Who am I kidding: I fucking love people.

So.. the end of the year's here and this might just be nostalgia coupled with some indigestion from grease sponges I consumed at Wendy's a little while ago in the form of a chicken sandwich. No matter. Right now I feel like spreading a little bit of cheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Josh has been bugging me to come out there and see him since I'd mentioned that me and the girls planned to do a little mid-day drinking session here in my room. He even offered to get plastered with me if I came out here, which you may or may not know he never does due to his claim that drinking makes him full before he can ever get drunk. Now, I dont' claim that he's full of shit, but I've personally seen women half his size/weight down 5 drinks, and I myself (being a lightweight) can usually do 4 and only have a nice buzz. Anyways.. I told him I'd rather not drink at his house; I'm pretty damned loud when inebriated hehe. He persisted and offered to take me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, his treat. He apparently misses me or something and just wants to say goodbye.. for like the 3rd time.

It's not that I don't miss him too, but at what point is this breakup a breakup? When are we going to acknowledge that we are no longer together, and no amount of doing it will bridge the gap that's formed? Part of me wants to go out cuz I know I could be feeling like that, but the other part just knows that going out there=going back in. Last time I was there I was sad and wanting the affection but I just didn't feel he was all there. And now he wants it and I dunno what I should do. So right now I'm just taking time to think about it. We'll see what happens.

Things from the college experience that I haven't gotten to do yet but still will do before I'm out of this bitch:

1. Go drinking in Canada: I'm going to graduate and still be under 21, so why the hell not? But then again, it's not like I can't get liquored up here at someone's house party without even knowing them. That's why the college experience is so great.

2. Go to a Michigan Wolverines football game: I still haven't set foot inside the "Big House", and if I remember correctly that was one of the major reasons why I wanted to come here--besides the ex-boy of course. I should become the quintessential fan. That would shock everyone, even me.


3. Pull an all-nighter studying for an exam: Perhaps it's a testament to what kind of student I really am, but I have yet to do this. And I kind of feel guilty when I see others doing it when I'm not. Last night I studied from 2-4:30am and stayed up another hour after that, but that doesn't count. Perhaps if I had started this list earlier my gpa would have looked a bit better.


4. Go on a road trip: I either haven't had enough friends/time/transportation to do this at any one time. And maybe even if I had, my completely overbearing parents wouldn't have let me go, I'm sure. But I'll give them the b of the d--I am a lying little pischer. If I were them I would think I was going out to bang some guy too.


5. Hook up with some guy on a night out: Keep in mind, you slut-bashers, that hooking up does not entail sex. Hooking up can just be spending the whole night making out with someone I don't/barely know. And at this point in my life, that just sounds like a lot of fun.


6. Go on a date while in school: People are poor, but so what? A guy can scrape together $30 to take me to Potbelly's and a movie. And he would still get change back. What more could you ask for? Oh, well.. maybe a kiss goodnight would be in order.



I haven't felt restrained from doing all this, but I still want to. I want to milk as much as I can from this $120k experience that has earned me respect and also cost me much parental heartache (naturally).

I want to live and be free. Maybe this is echoing fleecey's post, but I can't wait for the freedom that people in relationships kinda take for granted. Yeah, being alone is sometimes lonely, but if you spend that time getting to know yourself and surrounding you with all kinds of kickass experiences, are you really worse off for being alone? Is it better to fester and rot in a relationship full of resentment just so you can theoretically have someone to kiss underneath the mistletoe on X-mas?

(the answer I'm looking for here is "NO".)


So newly-single life definitely has its ups and downs. But right now it's looking crazy good.

Don't flatter yourself; it never was about you.

I want to own up to my own problems so I can move on most of the time, but the problem is I don't have enough self confidence to do that on my own. Self confidence in independence has been my problem for so long that I can't even see problems or challenges from any other direction except, I'm not enough; I need someone who is to be enough for me.

It's not that I want to blame someone else for my personal battles--or maybe it is. Since I was little, it's been terribly easy to base my self-rejuvination and growth off the idea that someone else was/is unjustly persecuting me. According to me, somehow, every time and in every situation I'd received the short end of the stick. But that's just not true.

Even now I'm tempted to simply envy those who are able to work things out on their own. I want to think that I'm not cut from the same cloth as they, that somehow by virtue of being black, and a woman, and maybe even bisexual that my personal victimization has withered my resolve. I used to have pride in me. Now I just eat to escape personal feelings of inadequacy and consequently feel lonesome, that no one's attracted to me. I sleep with a guy because I'm lonely whether or not he cuddles me tightly enough and say the words I want to hear. I wondered why our closeness was never close enough, or my pretty was never pretty enough, or my smart was never smart enough. It was always me.

Whether I am attractive or not, or lonely or not, or even smart enough, needs to make little difference in my world now. I want to be a woman who can be me. I want to be Laura without buttresses of men and endless questing for validation to make myself whole. I want to rediscover the woman I've been since the beginning, cut through the laziness I've gotten used to and flex the muscles that have atrophied. I can and will do this--not because anyone's forcing me to, or because I've reached the end of my rope. This is a choice because I am going to love myself. I am not a bad person, and even if I were it wouldn't matter. I know I'm a worthwhile person or there wouldn't be anything positive going on in my life to date. Shit, even axe murderers have people who care what happens to them. I'm a good, caring, loving, wise, intelligent person who's been coasting on mere natural ability until now and have yet to unleash my true prowess on these bitches--and myself. I've yet to know how deep and wonderful the woman Laura really is. Part of me is very much afraid of me, and the other part's hella lazy, making it easier for the first part to win out. But I refuse to be a mere slave to feelings. Intellectually, sexually, emotionally, I will be the most provocative and revolutionary person I have ever been.

I don't need you to fill my world--I need no one for that. If you're in it you're making more interesting scenery. If you want to leave I don't want to stop you. But I want enhancements, not restrictions. I'm going to continue to pluck the weeds and make room for the beauty of self-gardening. I not only can do this, but I will.

It begins today, with me.

I dont know what my problem has been with sitting down for hours at a time lately. Perhaps it's the allure of starting something new come the end of next week that has me feeling so flighty about writing anything. I've been blowing hours of time doing absolutely nothing productive and it's felt amazing so far...

And I've been dealing with my feelings for Josh and other men... I have the desire to not think about us right now. We spent last night together yet again because I have little willpower especially when it comes to thinking about being alone, and part of me is just not willing to let that be over with us. I'm such a fucking idiot too because while Josh hasn't been mean or anything like that he's made it painfully clear that he plans to move on and fuck other women without the trouble of a committed relationship. Surprise surprise, that hurts me. And when I woke up this morning with that on my mind all I wanted to do was leave. We showered together and then I left feeling better but still wanting to get the hell out. I wish I could see life through "fuckitall" glasses when it comes to him and me. I know that the memories are worth the crappy feelings but the crappy feelings certainly feel crappy.

I want to meet a string of really nice guys who just want to hang out without thinking about the possibility of relationships. I want to chat with them about male-female relationships and get drunk and make out with them and talk about sex without getting feelings tangled up in that shit. I want to go out and party and not worry about feeling lonely or sad or unsexy, etc. It would only take like 3 guys to make that happen too. I should join a group where lots of people hang out or something.

Can't wait for my friends/associates to come home this summer so we can blow this fascist popsicle stand. It's gonna be one hell of a summer full of drinking and much debauchery; I'm promising myself. No more committed relationships for at least the next few years. I want to be sure this one's out of my system.

I need to either sew my vagina shut or disconnect its wires to my heart in order to make it through life. It'll probably end up as the latter. Not that I'll be a slut, but you get the idea. Mothers, lock up your sons cuz Laura's back on the market and it's looking like one hell of a sale to me.

Peace out and leave love to professionals: celebrities!

I'm supposed to be cramming for a lab final in three hours but I can't bring myself to settle down long enough with any one thing... I'm the flutter a butterfly's wing, or a breath of misty fog that dissipates into nothingness on February mornings. I'm a flicker of hope and that dream from last night that was so hella weird you can't really remember.. except for when you tripped that old lady as you were getting on the bus.

Mmhmm, I had a final earlier this morning and my brain is fried. It's a shame, too, cuz I'll be needing every mental faculty member present for my lab final tonight (oh yes, that pun was intended).

Umm.. I am a bit horny. And I'm checking out girls semi-consciously which weirds me out a helluva lot. I catch myself looking at them inappropriately and then feel shitty. And sometimes I wonder if "BISEXUAL" is written on my forehead when they look back at me. Is this wrong? For heaven's sake, is this normal? I really do like men but women are so hott sometimes, especially now that it's warmer and the tank tops and capris are coming back out of the closet (yet another pun--who's witty today?) and boobs are just so damned visible. I think I need help.

Make me promise not to go to Josh's this weekend just to get some. Because that would definitely not be productive.

Maybe things will fall into place once I regain sanity. Sorry, that won't be until after finals this week and next.

That is all.

I'm feeling slightly crappy, plus it's nighttime, so I obviously feel the need to consume something. But part of getting out of the habit of medicating myself with food is identifying between when I'm hungry and when I need something else.

Yeah, it's always something, but this blog is a place for catharsis. It's for the things that I'm loathe to tell everyone else. And I'm telling myself that it's okay to use this as a place to bitch and moan--better here than in real life.

I asked Josh a question on whether or not he wanted me to take him home after the concert on Thursday night--a yes or no question--and he's like, "whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer".. I wanted to fucking slit his throat. I hate it when you know people have a preference and they won't say anything because they don't want to make you upset or mad or anything, blah blah. And it definitely ends up making me madder when I narrow things down to a simple choice and people still can't decide. Ugh. Super frustrating.

Anyways, I have three papers due this week and the concert on Thursday which is gonna get in the way of my paper due Friday, and since I have to be out all day between picking Josh up, swinging over to the concert and taking him back home then coming home myself, there won't be any time to do it Thursday night cuz I'm sure I'll be exhausted. So I need to get my ass in gear and have everything completed by Wednesday before RA class so I don't have to be up all night before work Thursday morning. What a crazy week this is gonna be.

I tried going running with two girls from the hall who are way more physically fit than I am, they both being size 4 and 7 and me being fat as hell at a size 14/16 or whatever I am.. They ran around about 10 times and I couldn't make it one time around a two-block track. I was coughing and wheezing like a smoker and felt so awful I wanted to hide beneath a rock in shame. I guess I need loads more practice before I'm able to go running like all the people around here do.

I'm kind of looking forward to going home and being alone at some points... I'm just not feeling really good about school and being here in MI. I wonder if I'll be as lonesome for campus as I usually am during summers.. We'll see. And this summer I'm definitely not wasting my time with scumbags who like to stand people up.. If I date at all it'll be a miracle, lol. That was definitely a bitter laugh.


I feel bitter about love sometimes... Is it ever really enough to make even the toughest relationships worth sticking around for? Do you stay and get your dreams crushed over and over again because you love someone so much that you want to be there every waking moment of his life--and maybe sleeping ones too? What the hell makes it all worth it? I just don't know. I mean, I thought that Josh and I would end up together and it turns out that all the stuff that's happened between us has made me feel hopeless about the directions life can take. Although they don't teach it to you in school, life changes people no matter how close they may think they are to each other.

Argh.

So frustrated. There'll be more later this week.

running through my thoughts this weekend...

Well, it's been awhile and things have been interesting.

This week's been pretty simple and I've been avoiding studying. Last night (Friday night) I went out with a girl from my hall to a party that these Puerto Rican guys were throwing.. they were really hott and I pre drank and then had a little there so my uptightness was gone by the time the music started.. it was good. Two creepy guys though: one grabbed my boob and the other came up on me while I was dancing with another guy and sandwiched me between them.. weird. And then two of the girls I was with went home and slept with some guys they just met there at the party--disgusting. And they both have bfs..

It was nice to dance with people, but I do'nt like going out and not feeling attractive for whatever reason. I wish that I got the motivation to do something instead of just constantly bitching about being fat and unattractive. But whatever right now. Also, I've learned that I'm attracted to black men but I'm scared that I could never really be what they're looking for in a black woman because of stereotypes they have about us. It's not that I'm looking for someone to be with, I'm just noticing that even though I feel initially attracted to a guy I can't forsee being with them and I just end up scared.

And then I think of Josh and end up feeling sad. I think about all the good memories that we got to make together.. I guess that those are things that my mind's tried to ignore for so long in order to not make me feel sad. I won't rehash them or I'll cry or something.

Umm.. so anyway I bought a shirt and three pairs of flip flops that would have made me feel good except that on the way home this car full of guys stopped the girl I was shopping with and "congratulated" her on "looking so beautiful". I need to quit being so jealous. But ah well, I'll live.

I wanted to go out and get drunk tonight just to relax, but nobody knows of any parties that were going on tonight so I just went out to dinner and came home and stayed in. It's not so bad now that the night is over. I survived and will continue to do so. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks.

I wish summer would hurry up and come.

Yet another beautiful summerlike day in early April.. I mean it brought out the topless guys with pecks and abs you could scrub laundry on.. so hott.. But anyway, I did enjoy the sunshine and the mild breeze that blew across the diag. I even phoned both my parents while they were at work and chatted them up a bit, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Well, emotionally I might not be so fine.. There's always something, you know? This time it's more self-consciousness about my body. I always notice things that other people can't probably even fathom, but maybe that's just due to me not really liking myself very much. I never have. One day I'll take some initiative and get off my ass and make some changes. That will probably be later sometime in May, I'm thinking. :)

I started a new blog where nobody knows me really, and it's nice to have that anonymity. Not sure if I'm even giving out the information for that one since it's so hard to get privacy back once I've given it away. So I'll post on here until I get tired of doing that. Oh, and I'm also keeping my paper journal these days as well, so there's just a lot of cathartic writing going on which is helping me out somewhat.

To be honest, I feel alright about the breakup mostly during the week.. I don't feel like less of a person like I thought I would without knowing that Josh was there to cuddle with and exchange words of love with, etc. We chat sporadically but there are long silences.. and that's not necessarily uncomfortable since we never talked very much anyway. I guess that was a blessing in disguise. And maybe it's good that we didnt' see each other very often cuz now I don't feel the pangs of withdrawal so much. Weeks just feel like normal weeks and now nights have evened out to normal nights. I don't feel lonely in bed and I'm far from cold. So maybe that means things will be alright in the end. Not that I'm completely over everything, but it's better than it was, say, last week. Honestly I think it'll get easier with time, and that's a good thing (right, Martha?) hehe.

So umm.. that's pretty much it. Love you guys.

more of the same old blah

Ok so.. I have been being stupid and just like a boy have been masturbating to erotic stories while my roommate is asleep (so it's not like she could see something dirty on my monitor), but thing is I'm not sure if she sees me when she tosses and turns... not sure. It's really embarrassing and I had to get it off my chest before I exploded so thanks for listening and not being too weirded out.


And thanks again for reading further. Nothing interesting going on other than that. I paid $60 worth of parking tickets so my mom's name would be cleared and the police couldn't arrest one of us. They can put out a warrant for your arrest after 4 tickets. So umm.. yeah.

I've been looking at more LGBT websites to find support groups for bisexual females.. There are a lot of girls/women who feel this way, I think, only they won't call it that unless they're having sex. I am not having sex with women at this point (and I doubt I ever could, in real life since I'm so damned sexually repressed) but that I'm sexually attracted to other women is one of the definitions of bisexuality. I still can't fathom an actual relationship with them.

Yes I know I continue to say the same thing in every post but it's at the forefront of my mind.

I've been feeling sad a lot lately, down... It's to be expected of course after last week. It's been a week since I've been with Josh and I'm angry at him for being so darn addictive so I'm being a tad mean to prove to myself that I can get along without him. Sometimes I wish he'd just stop reading my journals or talking to me so I could tune him out, but that idea is preposterous for two reasons: I dont want him to stop talking to me (maybe not so often, but not stopping altogether) and I could never tune him out completely. Argh. Snap out of it, Laura.

I'm gonna go to sleep for a while I guess cuz WQ dinner sucks tonight. Do something to cheer me up.

Oh plus I dyed my hair lighter reddish brown on Friday night... pictures forthcoming.