Don't flatter yourself; it never was about you.

I want to own up to my own problems so I can move on most of the time, but the problem is I don't have enough self confidence to do that on my own. Self confidence in independence has been my problem for so long that I can't even see problems or challenges from any other direction except, I'm not enough; I need someone who is to be enough for me.

It's not that I want to blame someone else for my personal battles--or maybe it is. Since I was little, it's been terribly easy to base my self-rejuvination and growth off the idea that someone else was/is unjustly persecuting me. According to me, somehow, every time and in every situation I'd received the short end of the stick. But that's just not true.

Even now I'm tempted to simply envy those who are able to work things out on their own. I want to think that I'm not cut from the same cloth as they, that somehow by virtue of being black, and a woman, and maybe even bisexual that my personal victimization has withered my resolve. I used to have pride in me. Now I just eat to escape personal feelings of inadequacy and consequently feel lonesome, that no one's attracted to me. I sleep with a guy because I'm lonely whether or not he cuddles me tightly enough and say the words I want to hear. I wondered why our closeness was never close enough, or my pretty was never pretty enough, or my smart was never smart enough. It was always me.

Whether I am attractive or not, or lonely or not, or even smart enough, needs to make little difference in my world now. I want to be a woman who can be me. I want to be Laura without buttresses of men and endless questing for validation to make myself whole. I want to rediscover the woman I've been since the beginning, cut through the laziness I've gotten used to and flex the muscles that have atrophied. I can and will do this--not because anyone's forcing me to, or because I've reached the end of my rope. This is a choice because I am going to love myself. I am not a bad person, and even if I were it wouldn't matter. I know I'm a worthwhile person or there wouldn't be anything positive going on in my life to date. Shit, even axe murderers have people who care what happens to them. I'm a good, caring, loving, wise, intelligent person who's been coasting on mere natural ability until now and have yet to unleash my true prowess on these bitches--and myself. I've yet to know how deep and wonderful the woman Laura really is. Part of me is very much afraid of me, and the other part's hella lazy, making it easier for the first part to win out. But I refuse to be a mere slave to feelings. Intellectually, sexually, emotionally, I will be the most provocative and revolutionary person I have ever been.

I don't need you to fill my world--I need no one for that. If you're in it you're making more interesting scenery. If you want to leave I don't want to stop you. But I want enhancements, not restrictions. I'm going to continue to pluck the weeds and make room for the beauty of self-gardening. I not only can do this, but I will.

It begins today, with me.