I'm feeling slightly crappy, plus it's nighttime, so I obviously feel the need to consume something. But part of getting out of the habit of medicating myself with food is identifying between when I'm hungry and when I need something else.

Yeah, it's always something, but this blog is a place for catharsis. It's for the things that I'm loathe to tell everyone else. And I'm telling myself that it's okay to use this as a place to bitch and moan--better here than in real life.

I asked Josh a question on whether or not he wanted me to take him home after the concert on Thursday night--a yes or no question--and he's like, "whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer".. I wanted to fucking slit his throat. I hate it when you know people have a preference and they won't say anything because they don't want to make you upset or mad or anything, blah blah. And it definitely ends up making me madder when I narrow things down to a simple choice and people still can't decide. Ugh. Super frustrating.

Anyways, I have three papers due this week and the concert on Thursday which is gonna get in the way of my paper due Friday, and since I have to be out all day between picking Josh up, swinging over to the concert and taking him back home then coming home myself, there won't be any time to do it Thursday night cuz I'm sure I'll be exhausted. So I need to get my ass in gear and have everything completed by Wednesday before RA class so I don't have to be up all night before work Thursday morning. What a crazy week this is gonna be.

I tried going running with two girls from the hall who are way more physically fit than I am, they both being size 4 and 7 and me being fat as hell at a size 14/16 or whatever I am.. They ran around about 10 times and I couldn't make it one time around a two-block track. I was coughing and wheezing like a smoker and felt so awful I wanted to hide beneath a rock in shame. I guess I need loads more practice before I'm able to go running like all the people around here do.

I'm kind of looking forward to going home and being alone at some points... I'm just not feeling really good about school and being here in MI. I wonder if I'll be as lonesome for campus as I usually am during summers.. We'll see. And this summer I'm definitely not wasting my time with scumbags who like to stand people up.. If I date at all it'll be a miracle, lol. That was definitely a bitter laugh.


I feel bitter about love sometimes... Is it ever really enough to make even the toughest relationships worth sticking around for? Do you stay and get your dreams crushed over and over again because you love someone so much that you want to be there every waking moment of his life--and maybe sleeping ones too? What the hell makes it all worth it? I just don't know. I mean, I thought that Josh and I would end up together and it turns out that all the stuff that's happened between us has made me feel hopeless about the directions life can take. Although they don't teach it to you in school, life changes people no matter how close they may think they are to each other.

Argh.

So frustrated. There'll be more later this week.