Spring has arrived

As the coldness of winter melts to a leukwarm late March spring, the smell of the grass and the way the sun spreads warm honey over everything it touches makes my heart ache for summer. There's limitless possibility in this, the moment before summer's kiss, when your heart's tempo is set to excited expectation. I kind of miss the uncertainty and the heat, and the way everyone shucks layer after hopeless layer of dead skin from their souls and starts fresh.

I want to be free for summer, free to focus on what needs to be done for the next phase of my life. Right now I'm like stagnant, tepid water just waiting things out, and I know that this will be over soon. And then the time will come when I'll have to decide where to live, what to do, who to trust and where to go for the next three years in one moment. It'll all work out though.

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I spent the first half of this weekend hanging out at home, not doing much of anything. Late Saturday night I drove out to Josh's to spend the night and spend Easter with him and his family. It ended up being fun and I felt I looked kind of foxxy, but who knows. My shoes were awesome despite the ankle strap that I was wearing tightly enough that it wouldn't fall off. But it all worked out, you know? Anywho... I think Josh's friends are over at his house tonight, which is weird considering I just left him, and I'm tempted to say something... but I don't know what to say or how to think.
I spent time talking with some friends about our relationship and one mentioned that every time I talked about him I seemed sad. I didn't know that, but maybe there is some truth to it. I do spend much of my time wishing for something more and it's unfair to him to be consistently and constantly unhappy when there's nothing to be done in the long run. My friend also said that I might just be holding on to a relationship that provides me comfort despite the fact that either of or both of us might have grown apart from one another. And I was like, whoa, that's insightful. But I don't know what to say or how to feel. My world is always self-complicated.

My RA class is having an assignment where we wear a gay ally button and see if people comment on it and what they say. This comes after I've had the conversation with my facilitator David about being bisexual.. ironically enough this was scheduled into the syllabus long before our conversation, or so he said. I find it really odd. But anyway, I wear rainbow stuff all the time cuz I like rainbow.. I never thought it might affiliate me with the LGBT community.. weird. Anyways, we'll see how it goes on Wednesday. Believe me, if I am bisexual, I have no intention of telling my fellow RAs, no matter how nice they are about it, cuz I'm toooootally still in the closet.

Guess that's it. Wish me luck with the rest of this week; it's jam-packed with lots of fun scheduled for the next few days. Later.