running through my thoughts this weekend...

Well, it's been awhile and things have been interesting.

This week's been pretty simple and I've been avoiding studying. Last night (Friday night) I went out with a girl from my hall to a party that these Puerto Rican guys were throwing.. they were really hott and I pre drank and then had a little there so my uptightness was gone by the time the music started.. it was good. Two creepy guys though: one grabbed my boob and the other came up on me while I was dancing with another guy and sandwiched me between them.. weird. And then two of the girls I was with went home and slept with some guys they just met there at the party--disgusting. And they both have bfs..

It was nice to dance with people, but I do'nt like going out and not feeling attractive for whatever reason. I wish that I got the motivation to do something instead of just constantly bitching about being fat and unattractive. But whatever right now. Also, I've learned that I'm attracted to black men but I'm scared that I could never really be what they're looking for in a black woman because of stereotypes they have about us. It's not that I'm looking for someone to be with, I'm just noticing that even though I feel initially attracted to a guy I can't forsee being with them and I just end up scared.

And then I think of Josh and end up feeling sad. I think about all the good memories that we got to make together.. I guess that those are things that my mind's tried to ignore for so long in order to not make me feel sad. I won't rehash them or I'll cry or something.

Umm.. so anyway I bought a shirt and three pairs of flip flops that would have made me feel good except that on the way home this car full of guys stopped the girl I was shopping with and "congratulated" her on "looking so beautiful". I need to quit being so jealous. But ah well, I'll live.

I wanted to go out and get drunk tonight just to relax, but nobody knows of any parties that were going on tonight so I just went out to dinner and came home and stayed in. It's not so bad now that the night is over. I survived and will continue to do so. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks.