Friday, December 31, 2004

I didn't want to leave the year without making one final post for 2004...

Gotta say, much more jaded and confused about life than I was. Not at all optimistic. More like letting it ride until another bump in the road comes, and I really have no idea what that means for me in 2005.

The Boy and I are supposedly back together, dunno if I told you that. I had a chat with my friend last night and he is still trying to cajole me into seeing him (naked) before I go back to school. Nothing's changed; it's as bad an idea now as it was before, so no worries.

The 'rents are nagging me about wearing my hair naturally. I am not bending on that subject though. It's my hair and I can wear it however I want. Whatever.

2004 was interesting and we'll see how this next year goes. My GPA went up, so that's a good sign. And as far as resolution goes, I'm gonna try and treat you better in 2005. Plus I'm gonna try and eat more fruit (or at the very least, more fruit-flavored things, lol). So, "though old acquaintance be forgot and never blah blah blah" and everything else. Talk to you again next year, y'all.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Oftentimes I'm reminded of why I should have allowed merely the faceless people of the internet to read my online journal. The knowledge that Josh reads only brings me a bit of annoyance, especially when he asks questions from information he's gotten exclusively from my journal. *sigh* In these cases, telling the whole truth about how I feel comes back to bite me in the butt.

For example, when I wrote about how I feel about my friend and my attraction to him, I think Josh kind of got the idea that I was going to do something drastic because I said I was rebounding. Well, we did kinda talk online so I'm not going to say he got all that information from reading my journal, but the background stuff was from blogger.

I said all this to say that he and I are supposed to be getting back together, but I'm not convinced that he really wanted to, more like he was afraid that if we didn't I'd go ahead and just sleep with my friend even though I know he doesn't care about me in the slightest, and the thought of "losing" me to him would drive Josh insane. They have a mutual dislike for each other because of me. Anyways, Josh called me and was like he was going to ask me to get back together. He says he can't stop thinking about me and that I'm always on his mind, he wants me, etc. I just wonder what about all the stuff he said about being sure, or wanting to have more experience with dating, etc. It seems like nothing has changed between us, and I'm just not sure that things are going to permanently be different from here. If you were to ask me what I want, I'd say that I really do want him but I just believe that it is impossible for us to really work out, especially with the way I feel about my parents and the rest of the world. I'm not a fighter anymore... I can't handle the pressure of convincing my parents that Josh is a good and worthy person, and that I'm willing to be with him even if it means losing the relationship I have with them. Truth is, I'm not even sure I'm willing to do that myself. The best thing for me now is probably not to be in a relationship at all, but I just miss Josh so damn much I can't stand it.

So where does that leave me now? Pretty much in the same predicament that I was in before. I feel like I should be fine, and people are expecting me to be better, but I just can't get my emotions straightened out. I'm still sad for no reason and I would like to be happier.. it's weird and pretty sad. Oh well.

I didnt' do much today except clean, so not much to talk about there. Oh, my friend asked me to hang out but I told him it wasn't a good idea because of what I talked about with Josh. So I've been good, at least for today. So later everybody.

Today went alright, but then again I felt like some issues I have with my mom resurfaced. Sometimes I don't feel like she lets me be an adult. Not that I ask to go on ski trips with guy friends or drink and party on weekends, but I do want to have a bit more freedom as far as when I have to go and come and the conditions surrounding that. Sometimes it seems like she treats Jonathan like more of an independent citizen than me and since I feel I'm more responsible than he, it's kind of a problem when I feel like I'm getting treated like a baby.

I went out with three old friends from hs today and we ended up having a lot of fun and laughs, which I missed a lot. I feel like all this is just reintroducing me to society and I'm not sure how I feel about that. *sigh*

What complicates things a bit for me is my strong attraction to one of the friends I hung out with today. He's 20 and no good for me emotionally but it's fun hanging out with him because he's like a spark, vibrant and bright, but never lasting very long. I know all that in my head but the rest of me feels a sort of mild glow when he's around. Ugh thinking about it makes me sad that I can't really feel like I control myself. Not that I've knocked him down and jumped his bones but the fact that I still want someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with anything above my neck makes me cringe inside. I am definitely rebounding from this thing with Josh, and talking to him on a daily basis sort of holds me in check I suppose--the hope that we'll get back together. If it weren't for that I would probably just be sleeping around to fill that void because I feel so lonely, sad, etc. One day it will be easier for me to feel like a person even though I don't have a boyfriend, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself that I truly like. So...

I suppose I've poured my heart out enough for one evening.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I haven't been around these parts in so long it's almost foreign to me. I spent the holidays at my aunt's house in Las Vegas, so Christmas was relatively warm for us there. It was funny to watch the locals all bundled up with hats, scarves, gloves, and thick sweaters in 45-degree weather. I was wearing a nice light spring leather jacket and an I'm-heartier-than-you smile.

If you can believe it, yup, I'm still alive even after Christmas. There were some rough spots being home before we left for Vegas on Thursday, but with a little bit of staying in my room and hiding, I was able to make it. Once Christmas came, things were a bit better. I got wayyyy more crap than I expected, and I thought we were poor because of me! It was a real nice surprise. My grandma bought me some pajamas and even though it sounds really cliche (I know there's supposed to be an accent aigu over that e but I'm on a laptop now), they were friggin awesome blue fleece that I never ever wanted to take off. My uncle bought me a cool gift--he's never really bought me anything--which was unexpected. And I got other nameless stuff that turned out to be great because I came to Christmas expecting to unload more than I loaded up. We had to even bring an extra bag home with us to pack all the stuff we racked up. Yay. And when I got home this morning at 2am CST there was another gift waiting for me on my bed. Woohoo.

As far as living life goes, I think I'm okay for the time being. It's amazing how sometimes being with family can be an okay place for you to recharge your batteries a little. Of course there are always the usual spats, but besides that, it's alright. I feel more rested and a lot less stressed than I did when I was in Ann Arbor. Of course, all that stuff will still be there waiting for me when I return, so I dunno how comforting that is... hehe.

Josh and I chat almost regularly still... It's painful talking to him sometimes, and I find myself wondering somewhere in the back of my mind about what's going on in his love life, whether he's happier without what we had going... I don't know. This is an inappropriate time for me to date; I know that deep inside. I don't even want to anyway because we all know that men are scary and stupid and should be avoided until we can make superior dildos such that we don't need them anymore. Take them all to sperm banks when they're 17 if you wanna have a baby--then get rid of 'em. The world would be a much better place. Despite my man-hating bravado facade, I still miss the hell out of Josh and memories of being with him just make me feel sad. And then I get headaches, which doesn't help anything. So I usually just try not to think about him, which works about as well as a bull in a china shop.

Of course I'm dissatisfied, you know, but I suppose that this little period has taught me that that's no real reason to stop living. And alot of times I really don't want to continue but it would hurt a heckuva lotta people if I didn't. And even more than that I'm sure I'd miss out on some really nice things about life. To be honest with myself though, I won't make any plans for anything longer than I'm sure I can make this work.

I'm gonna chill awhile before going to pick up my aunt from the airport.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

I haven't felt like writing in a long time, but I do feel the need to let everyone know that I'm not dead at this point and time. I did spend a bit of time in the hospital because they thought I was dangerous to myself, but I never actually did anything overtly. I experimented a little with pills but never actually attempted suicide with them--just experimented. And it's not to say that now that I'm out I don't feel like killing myself anymore, but I know better than to blast that all over everywhere. People always want to intervene.

Josh and I are broken up until further notice and it bums me out more than I even thought it would. He wants the experience of dating other women just "to make sure this is right" and I'm pretty much miserable about it. It's not that great when you're depressed already... Anyways there's a lot more to tell but I don't have the stamina to go there. Maybe I'll fill you in more on life a bit later.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Psycho Babble by Laura F.

When they gave me the meds my troubles were over
My darkest days were done
I flew high into health on wings of wax,
Just a little too close to the sun

Monday, December 06, 2004

couldn't sleep, yet more rambling in my head I had to write down before I forgot it.


The Nutcase's Lament by Laura F.


Something inside me has darker urges:
An unquenched desire for total inversion.
It starts in my feet, works its way upward,
the goal: utter chaos, anarchy, an uproar.

It fits its dark fingers in my toes, like a glove,
Pulling and stretching, aiming somewhere above
Out through my mouth it pulls my entrails--
all my insides--and shit, it hurts like hell.

Now my body's all wrong; this is really fucked up!
My bones are all outside-- say I suddenly ruptured
a vein, you would see it--I'm going nuts!
There's blood all 'round out there and so are my guts.

Inside I see darkness, the back of my head.
Someone please save me or soon I'll be dead!
The docs there, they call it descent into madness,
But if you were inside-out you too'd feel some "sadness".

I'm not making sense; believe me--I know.
You may as well burn this...you may as well go.
This case's hopeless and helpless. That you can see.
Don't waste precious time saving a nutcase like me.



Sunday, December 05, 2004

I like this website.

On the outside I'm witty and upbeat, even insightful. I hope that it's clever enough to keep everyone at bay. I don't want to be forced to talk about anything. Because on the inside I'm preoccupied with death. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I actually took the final step and did what I've been thinking about so long. I wonder what people would say.. they would be shocked because I do know that you're supposed to talk to someone if you feel these thoughts, but I know the truth of what would happen--they would thwart my plans and keep me in a cage, and all I've been planning would just end in more loss. And what do I need that for? Isn't it the very think I've been trying to get out of?

I told Josh those things I wanted to say, and now there's nothing left to talk about. Even though he hates it, I ask him those little questions I still want to know about him. If I kill myself that will probably be the last thoughts on my mind--him.

My mind just went blank. I have to think some more.


Oh right. I was going to say that if I stayed around he would be constantly tied down to a woman who had issues and that's no good.. I was reading literature for people who cope with suicidal people.. it's an emotional drain. Can you imagine if we still were in each other's lives and he had to deal with this all the time? and if I got help I'd be tied to fucking pills to simulate happiness, and hed' be tied to a girl who was tied to artificial happiness, and that isn't healthy. And if we had kids they would have a crazy mother. That's not right. I dont want that for anybody. It would be better if I just got out of the way.

I told him I would not try to hurt myself until after I saw him again. Maybe part of it is to just see him.. I am scared of what will happen when I go through that really low part again, like last night, and even though I'm a little up from last night I dont know when it will come again and I dont want to leave without making sure that I hugged him and told him face to face that I am so sorry for all the bad things...

After I talked to him last night i tried to go to bed but then got up and got chips and a candy bar for some reason and of course bp.. it hurt again but I fought it and played poker wiht him and then lay down for a while until I fell asleep... I woke up with headache and nausea but I ate two slices of pizza at a hall meeting and a mountain dew and it is sitting in a bubble right at the top of my stomach threatening me.. I looked up diets today and found one where I could eat 650 calories in three meals. I dont think I could stick to it, but i dont know. Icould try tomorrow before I see him, we're supposedto go to the movies or something and dinner before..

He said last night that it would kill a part of him if I killed myself and I cried in the bathroom while I peed then showered.. I laid on the floor for a while and then he called me I guess he thought I was gonna hrt myself but I dindt.. I thought I was gonna hurt myself too but I didn't.. I just bp and felt somewhat better after. I havent bp so much in a long time.. I dont think ever. but I might do it today.. I talked to this kid I used to talk to Johann, I think he's from Canada or washington state.. I asked him if he was ever depressed or suicidal and he said yes, he said I should live but I dn't know if he really undersatnds what the problem is.. Josh and I talked a really long time last night and he said hes not afraid of me, b ut I told him I'm afraid of myself I know that if the mood I get into when I bp is what it will be like when I try to hurt myself I can't stop it and probably won't stop until I cant anymore, and that is a really scary thought.. that part of me is a train with no brakes and the other part is like fingernails trying to grab hold of the dirt behind the speeding train--its not gonna work. I j ust try to ride and maybe slow it down a little or at least make sure the passengers brace for impact but we'll see what happens to them.. I will miss Josh. I miss him right now. I hope tomorrow is nice I will try not to be moribd.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

I've felt sick all day today.. queasy and headaches.. my eyes hurt. My brother called and told me that mom and dad are mad at me for something, that I'm in trouble and I better call home.. but he always says that when he leaves messages so I am not calling. It just makes me nervous. And I don't want to talk to them anyway..

I thought about writing something to Josh today but changed my mind. What if after that I felt clearance to go? I watched a play where a girl got strangled.. that doesn't seem like it hurts too much, that could work. Nobody would be willing to help me do that though. Olivia would get As this semester if I went ahead and did it, I think.

Friday, December 03, 2004

I have become so many things that I have feared. There was a time when reaching deep inside was cathartic and helped to ease my pain; once I broke the surface of the scar the blood ran thick and red. There was life there and I longed to let it run freely. The proverbial well is dry now and I can't find any water to ease the passage of food down my throat, let alone blood or even tears. They won't come. I tried crying last night and got out about three drops before my ducts dried, then my cheeks dried.

I am hard and dry, windblown, unaffixed. Every morning I wake with the alarm because that is the custom. I drag myself to the closet and put on whatever I can find.. underwear and socks first, then pants and a shirt. I put on a sweatshirt and a coat and go to class. I sit and read lips because I can't really focus on words anymore.. if you smile when people smile they won't ask you questions.. perhaps they think you got the joke. I field questions with "I'm fine" and that works pretty well--nobody wants to know how you really are anyway.

Last night I bp for the first time in a while but instead of feeling guilty I felt a little better. It was strange, kind of liberating. The last time I tried it hurt my stomach so much I had to lay down for a while, but this time I just pushed past the pain and did it anyway and it got easier the more I did it. I ate a bagel today and a lemon bar from someone at work. It tasted fine, and the lemon bar had coconut in it. I will give away the rest of my oreos because they turn your tongue black and I'm sick of the way they taste.

I talked to the financial aid office again today to find out if the lady It alked to before was just a bitch, and it turns out she's not--I have exhausted all money readily available to me. All that's left now is private loans that my parents will have to co-sign for, and they won't do that so I am sol. I have no idea what to do or say to them and I don't think I can handle getting yelled at right now so for now I will be quiet about it.

I thought about calling and talking to my dad today and telling him about how I've been feeling. But my parents yell a lot. If I told them I felt suicidal they would make me come home and that would be worse because they would watch me all the time to make sure I didn't, and that would certainly send me over the edge.

I feel nauseous today, like yesterday.. don't know why.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

theres no place to be alone at college when you really want to. my roommate has her friends over multiple times per week and theyre always loud and it gets on my nerves sometimes when i just want to be alone... they come in and whisper really loud when im trying to sleep and then i wake up and get annoyed. so whatever.

i looked at pictures of human skulls today and it scared me even more. i also looked at aspirin-induced suicides and they say that its really dangerous and if you dont do it successfully you can really hurt yourself.. well isnt that the whole point? and if I tried this and like failed at it that would be super stupid and i would feel completely and totally liek crap. my cousin tried to killhimself using aspirin and someone found him in time and they made him stay under observation for a few days and my whole family talked about him.. my familya lways talks about each other and it sucks so much.

but then again they dont really like me anyways--at least not the extended family.

i have to go to bed at 12 at the latest because i have to work tomorrow at 8 and call the financial aid office to see if someone will even try toh elp me find some moeny. but they are stupid assholes anyway so whatever. thats it. I'm nauseous and sleepy but there are people in my room so i can't sleep.

I dreamt last night that i was pregnant with Josh's baby but i didn't want it and kept trying to kill it by falling down stairs and sitting down really hard (it seems real stupid in retrospect but it was logical in the dream). I dont really remember where Josh was in the dream but he was somewhere looming there and i kept tihnking how maybe it would be be tter under other circumstances but since he doesnt want me right now and were not together that i dont want to have a baby that reminds me of him even more because it would suck. and i also was dreaming about wearing a blue ballgown that was really ugly because I couldnt fit into anything else and I was crying because I hated it..

i just want everything to go away and not hve to worry about the same thing for another year.. feeling better about myself, finding money for school, getting yeleld at by my prents about not finding money for school, worrying whether or ont its ok for me and josh to be together or whether or not we love each other or if things will work out. it just fucking sucks so much but i'm stuck living in it unless something happens.

i cant even think of what to write except that i actually looked up methods of suicide today and I'm ashamed to say that.. the only thing is I'm way too scared to even try any of that stuff beca use the pictures look reallys cary.. its just that i feel headaches a lot and like crying bt i don't have any tears in my tearducts or whatever so that's it.. i wish i kept a private blog that people couldnt read buti just felt like posting something to keep my hadns busy ofr a while.