I have become so many things that I have feared. There was a time when reaching deep inside was cathartic and helped to ease my pain; once I broke the surface of the scar the blood ran thick and red. There was life there and I longed to let it run freely. The proverbial well is dry now and I can't find any water to ease the passage of food down my throat, let alone blood or even tears. They won't come. I tried crying last night and got out about three drops before my ducts dried, then my cheeks dried.

I am hard and dry, windblown, unaffixed. Every morning I wake with the alarm because that is the custom. I drag myself to the closet and put on whatever I can find.. underwear and socks first, then pants and a shirt. I put on a sweatshirt and a coat and go to class. I sit and read lips because I can't really focus on words anymore.. if you smile when people smile they won't ask you questions.. perhaps they think you got the joke. I field questions with "I'm fine" and that works pretty well--nobody wants to know how you really are anyway.

Last night I bp for the first time in a while but instead of feeling guilty I felt a little better. It was strange, kind of liberating. The last time I tried it hurt my stomach so much I had to lay down for a while, but this time I just pushed past the pain and did it anyway and it got easier the more I did it. I ate a bagel today and a lemon bar from someone at work. It tasted fine, and the lemon bar had coconut in it. I will give away the rest of my oreos because they turn your tongue black and I'm sick of the way they taste.

I talked to the financial aid office again today to find out if the lady It alked to before was just a bitch, and it turns out she's not--I have exhausted all money readily available to me. All that's left now is private loans that my parents will have to co-sign for, and they won't do that so I am sol. I have no idea what to do or say to them and I don't think I can handle getting yelled at right now so for now I will be quiet about it.

I thought about calling and talking to my dad today and telling him about how I've been feeling. But my parents yell a lot. If I told them I felt suicidal they would make me come home and that would be worse because they would watch me all the time to make sure I didn't, and that would certainly send me over the edge.

I feel nauseous today, like yesterday.. don't know why.