theres no place to be alone at college when you really want to. my roommate has her friends over multiple times per week and theyre always loud and it gets on my nerves sometimes when i just want to be alone... they come in and whisper really loud when im trying to sleep and then i wake up and get annoyed. so whatever.

i looked at pictures of human skulls today and it scared me even more. i also looked at aspirin-induced suicides and they say that its really dangerous and if you dont do it successfully you can really hurt yourself.. well isnt that the whole point? and if I tried this and like failed at it that would be super stupid and i would feel completely and totally liek crap. my cousin tried to killhimself using aspirin and someone found him in time and they made him stay under observation for a few days and my whole family talked about him.. my familya lways talks about each other and it sucks so much.

but then again they dont really like me anyways--at least not the extended family.

i have to go to bed at 12 at the latest because i have to work tomorrow at 8 and call the financial aid office to see if someone will even try toh elp me find some moeny. but they are stupid assholes anyway so whatever. thats it. I'm nauseous and sleepy but there are people in my room so i can't sleep.

I dreamt last night that i was pregnant with Josh's baby but i didn't want it and kept trying to kill it by falling down stairs and sitting down really hard (it seems real stupid in retrospect but it was logical in the dream). I dont really remember where Josh was in the dream but he was somewhere looming there and i kept tihnking how maybe it would be be tter under other circumstances but since he doesnt want me right now and were not together that i dont want to have a baby that reminds me of him even more because it would suck. and i also was dreaming about wearing a blue ballgown that was really ugly because I couldnt fit into anything else and I was crying because I hated it..

i just want everything to go away and not hve to worry about the same thing for another year.. feeling better about myself, finding money for school, getting yeleld at by my prents about not finding money for school, worrying whether or ont its ok for me and josh to be together or whether or not we love each other or if things will work out. it just fucking sucks so much but i'm stuck living in it unless something happens.