I'm sure I've felt regret over lots of things in my life thus far. But after that initial inward cringe wears off, all I feel is stupid and hurt. Believe it or not, most of my mistakes are not due to me not knowing any better. Everybody's always said that I'm a smart girl. And my memory is nowhere near as bad as I pretend--as a matter of fact it's excellent. I always seem to remember every single thing I've done wrong. But as I said, most of my mistakes aren't because I didn't know better. Actually, there have always been signs whenever I shouldn't have done something, from things like taking the wrong expressway to my mom coming home early. I'm a stubborn girl so I always persist doing those things even through obstacles. Tenacity in all the wrong places, you see.

One day I will grow up and stop persisting with things that are bad ideas. I usually ignore my gut feelings and go ahead with whatever I want, but one day, one day I will make things different.

I hate being cryptic so often in this blog. The thing about letting people you know in on your personal life is that they will inevitably ask questions. I hate that so much... So fuck it, I am going to say what I want anyway. If you don't like me afterward you can go fuck yourself with a hot curling iron.

I begged Josh on Sunday night to let me come see him because as we all know I have an addiction to him. He was very cool at first and said that he didn't really know, what was my schedule, etc. So I begged him--yeah, I begged--to let me come out. This is after I broke up with him last Thursday (the 18th). I came over and we watched part of Man on Fire and then we ended up sleeping together even though I didn't initiate it. I guess part of me knew that it would happen that way anyway even though i didn't plan on it. And then he said he thought I should leave before it happened again and I thought, what are we, casual fucks now? And it's never been that way--at least not with him--and it hurt my feelings so much that I tried even harder to get him to see that us being together that way isn't a mistake.. But it was a mistake because he told me that he still needed time. And then I felt like well damn I should probably go home. But then that stupid persistend fucking girly emotional part of me is like, don't reject me love me please I need you to because nobody else can or will! And so I spent the night over his house and woke up at 10:30. He wanted me to leave so I could go to class cuz he's all about not being an enabler or whatever.. and I fought him off for a while because we were up til like 4am and i didnt sleep much and just generally didnt want to leave because despite everything I still like being with him.. then I was like fuck it and fuck you if you want me to go I will go and without a word I just left. I'm still angry and I hate myself for being so damn emotional about this whole thing.. i wish i could say that i never want to ever go over there or see him again or be with him because it's just so damned frustrating that i feel like a godddamned second string player and i wish i could just turn off my heart and run completely on brain and fuck who I want when i want and not have it turn into a conversation about either Jesus or me being a slut.. i dont want to have to turn to overeating to help me cope with all this garbage either.. i wish i could have some willpower and control over something and starve myself to death just to prove that i could do something all the way to the end and that would be like a giant "fuck you world!" and that would make me feel good. I want to have money to throw at problems and maket hem go away. i want to be a bitch and not care about who loves me or likes me or who doesnt. i want people to cram it with walnuts and dont waste my time or theirs with pity. and if things don't change inthe next few days I am going to do somethig drastic but i dont know what that is yet. but it will probably involve something sharp.