Today went alright, but then again I felt like some issues I have with my mom resurfaced. Sometimes I don't feel like she lets me be an adult. Not that I ask to go on ski trips with guy friends or drink and party on weekends, but I do want to have a bit more freedom as far as when I have to go and come and the conditions surrounding that. Sometimes it seems like she treats Jonathan like more of an independent citizen than me and since I feel I'm more responsible than he, it's kind of a problem when I feel like I'm getting treated like a baby.

I went out with three old friends from hs today and we ended up having a lot of fun and laughs, which I missed a lot. I feel like all this is just reintroducing me to society and I'm not sure how I feel about that. *sigh*

What complicates things a bit for me is my strong attraction to one of the friends I hung out with today. He's 20 and no good for me emotionally but it's fun hanging out with him because he's like a spark, vibrant and bright, but never lasting very long. I know all that in my head but the rest of me feels a sort of mild glow when he's around. Ugh thinking about it makes me sad that I can't really feel like I control myself. Not that I've knocked him down and jumped his bones but the fact that I still want someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with anything above my neck makes me cringe inside. I am definitely rebounding from this thing with Josh, and talking to him on a daily basis sort of holds me in check I suppose--the hope that we'll get back together. If it weren't for that I would probably just be sleeping around to fill that void because I feel so lonely, sad, etc. One day it will be easier for me to feel like a person even though I don't have a boyfriend, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself that I truly like. So...

I suppose I've poured my heart out enough for one evening.