On the outside I'm witty and upbeat, even insightful. I hope that it's clever enough to keep everyone at bay. I don't want to be forced to talk about anything. Because on the inside I'm preoccupied with death. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I actually took the final step and did what I've been thinking about so long. I wonder what people would say.. they would be shocked because I do know that you're supposed to talk to someone if you feel these thoughts, but I know the truth of what would happen--they would thwart my plans and keep me in a cage, and all I've been planning would just end in more loss. And what do I need that for? Isn't it the very think I've been trying to get out of?

I told Josh those things I wanted to say, and now there's nothing left to talk about. Even though he hates it, I ask him those little questions I still want to know about him. If I kill myself that will probably be the last thoughts on my mind--him.

My mind just went blank. I have to think some more.


Oh right. I was going to say that if I stayed around he would be constantly tied down to a woman who had issues and that's no good.. I was reading literature for people who cope with suicidal people.. it's an emotional drain. Can you imagine if we still were in each other's lives and he had to deal with this all the time? and if I got help I'd be tied to fucking pills to simulate happiness, and hed' be tied to a girl who was tied to artificial happiness, and that isn't healthy. And if we had kids they would have a crazy mother. That's not right. I dont want that for anybody. It would be better if I just got out of the way.

I told him I would not try to hurt myself until after I saw him again. Maybe part of it is to just see him.. I am scared of what will happen when I go through that really low part again, like last night, and even though I'm a little up from last night I dont know when it will come again and I dont want to leave without making sure that I hugged him and told him face to face that I am so sorry for all the bad things...

After I talked to him last night i tried to go to bed but then got up and got chips and a candy bar for some reason and of course bp.. it hurt again but I fought it and played poker wiht him and then lay down for a while until I fell asleep... I woke up with headache and nausea but I ate two slices of pizza at a hall meeting and a mountain dew and it is sitting in a bubble right at the top of my stomach threatening me.. I looked up diets today and found one where I could eat 650 calories in three meals. I dont think I could stick to it, but i dont know. Icould try tomorrow before I see him, we're supposedto go to the movies or something and dinner before..

He said last night that it would kill a part of him if I killed myself and I cried in the bathroom while I peed then showered.. I laid on the floor for a while and then he called me I guess he thought I was gonna hrt myself but I dindt.. I thought I was gonna hurt myself too but I didn't.. I just bp and felt somewhat better after. I havent bp so much in a long time.. I dont think ever. but I might do it today.. I talked to this kid I used to talk to Johann, I think he's from Canada or washington state.. I asked him if he was ever depressed or suicidal and he said yes, he said I should live but I dn't know if he really undersatnds what the problem is.. Josh and I talked a really long time last night and he said hes not afraid of me, b ut I told him I'm afraid of myself I know that if the mood I get into when I bp is what it will be like when I try to hurt myself I can't stop it and probably won't stop until I cant anymore, and that is a really scary thought.. that part of me is a train with no brakes and the other part is like fingernails trying to grab hold of the dirt behind the speeding train--its not gonna work. I j ust try to ride and maybe slow it down a little or at least make sure the passengers brace for impact but we'll see what happens to them.. I will miss Josh. I miss him right now. I hope tomorrow is nice I will try not to be moribd.