Wednesday, July 27, 2005

sometimes I hate my male friends

I'm having a pretty good week.. I just got a job at a dating service doing direct marketing calls to people who've expressed interest in our programs. I also learned that my scholarship is being increased due to my impressive GPA improvements in the last year, which is also great. And I got to qualify for the Higher Score Guarantee at Kaplan, meaning I can take the LSAT class again for free.

But despite all these good things, there's still one thing nagging me: Joe.

I'm really not in the mood for I-told-you-sos about him right now, so spare me. The thing is, though, I sent a really long email last night detailing how things were going with me. It was really an excuse for a ramble, and I think I'm totally pre-menstrual as well. So it was long.. it wasn't sweet or anything, but it was honest. With him, sometimes it feels like the friendship is halfhearted. I wish I could just totally ignore him as easily as he can do so to me. Okay, that's total bullshit--I wish that he would pay attention to me as much as he does his other friendships. I don't want just to be some back-up girl because that's not who I am. It made me sad to come on after not talking to him since yesterday morning when he blew me off.

I sound horribly pitiful. See, these are the reasons I tell him to go fuck himself.

Anyways.. I've been feeling pretty decent otherwise with my whole running and painting hobbies. I haven't painted in the past couple of days though so I should get started on that tonight. So.. I'm off. later.

Let's Talk

I'm not really one to post lyrics, but these are really appropriate for me especially now.

I love Coldplay. They are so awesome (plus Chris Martin's cute--lucky Gwyneth).

Talk--from album X&Y

Oh brother I can’t, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they’re talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done, do
Something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Don't fight it. I know you missed me.

I'm always amazed at my ease in and readiness to characterize other people's actions as unfair.

Riddle me this: why is it so easy to see things from the outside, like the problems in that girl's relationship with her boyfriend, or the toothpaste on your best friend's shirt? Vision clarity is dependent upon distance from an object.

If you've ever read Hamlet, then you'll understand me when I say I feel like Claudius in that famous monologue he has with God about how he does what he does and should feel sorry, but that it doesn't work because the motivations behind his actions remain. Perhaps my sentiments aren't as extreme as that, but I'm in the neighborhood.

Lately life has been pretty even. Everything here's so cyclic that it bears little mention here, which is my excuse for not writing even on a weekly basis. I guess it's also that I've really lost a lot of my passion for this medium.

To be honest, I've become a bitter and jaded adult. The things my mom goes through to stroke my dad's ego I have no interest in doing with other men. If I don't feel like cooking, I'm not going to. If I don't feel like doing dishes or ironing his shirts, I'm not going to. And I for damn sure ain't gonna kiss anybody's ass when he's behaving like a 13-year-old jerk. It makes me think I'll never get married sometimes. Or if I do, will I end up just regretting it, living out my days with 8 kids, my ass spreading to fit the chair and frown lines? It's not like my life is super-amazing now, but I am not hunting for anything worse than I have now.

That's what like half of me is saying in response to the normal, good-girly half. But I usually shut that perky bitch up most of the time with television.

I've been doing some really--well, selfish---self-improvement lately. I told you about the running thing.. well I've kept that up the past month which makes me really proud. This week starts week 5, which is good. I've also started doing watercolor as of today, so while it's not really awesome, I do like it quite a lot and intend to do more so I get good. These little self-improvement projects help me feel like more of a worthwhile person, so maybe people will want to spend more time with me.

So.. I suppose that's all that's been in the works for me lately, as far as I have liberty to share with you all. Perhaps a time will come again where I tell all, but since I am (and have) a pussy, that will not be anytime soon. I bid you goodnight.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

God knows I love her, but sometimes my mother can be really short-sighted and talks about one thing all the time. And there are times when her priorities are out of order. And then there's the thing about her where if you don't do it her way then you haven't done it right, and if she did it ever, the way it was done was perfect. I get so sick of "Well, I just don't understand __________" that I dunno if I can stand to hear her say it again.

Here's the thing. When I try to share with her how I'm a little afraid of real relationships with people, she just gets all over how she would live life differently, blah blah.. I mean, these are my mistakes to make and regret and that's just how it is. Hearing how she would have done things perfectly does not in any way help me. I just wish she would for once be an understanding and caring person and just listen to someone else's problems without prescribing what she thinks is best--just listening. And then not pat herself on the back when she actually listens for once because that cheapens the whole experience. I am completely frustrated with her sometimes.

And my dad is even worse. I guess that's what I get for being such a homebody.. I get fed up with my dad even more so. We just installed an alarm system and my dad doesn't know how to turn it off when we come back into the house. But he's the first one to run and open the door and then stand, flabbergasted, looking at the panel and yelling for me to turn it off. If you don't know what you're doing, stay the fuck away from stuff.. hello? Does that not make sense? Geez.

*sigh* And what's more on my gripe entry, this girl who I don't like invited me somewhere and when I said I'd rather not go she goes on to insult me (well not insult me cuz it was the truth, but I really believe she meant it as an insult). I just wish the right people would come along, or that I could change and be a more interesting person or whatever. As it stands right now I have zero memories. I must be the worst twenty-something in the world.

Damnit every time I write in this journal I realize just how low my self-esteem really is. Ugh.. I don't feel like dealing with it now.