Monday, February 13, 2006

how I am

It seems like ages ago since last I posted here. Since I'm on myspace.com a lot more these days I don't find as much time as I used to for posting here. I guess I didn't have space for much blogging in my life these past couple months. And really, it's not like you would have wanted to hear about me anyway since I was mostly kind of down.

I told you about finally breaking up with Josh and then moving on and meeting this new guy B... I dunno if I said his name so we'll just stick with B. for his privacy's sake. Anyways.. Things with me haven't been so great. I was kind of shaken to my very foundations with stuff with Josh, and our association with each other came to a most abrupt and painful ending. I haven't been completely truthful with the people I care most about, and that's probably going to be my undoing.. and for that I'll have to pay. I just hate knowing that people are upset with me, or hating me. It's something I struggle with so very often it's not funny.

*sigh* I lose sight of the good things in my life so easily. Maybe it's because right when I start feeling like there are good things about me, something bad happens to remind me once again that things aren't great, and I'm not great either. For someone so young, I have so many regrets. I wish I knew how to make all that go away. It's just that this painful time comes on the heels of something that was so beautiful before, which makes everything so convoluted and messy for my emotions. On the one hand I've become cold and calculated, and on the other it's like my heart is so raw, covered with these open wounds. I'm just suffering, and I don't know how to stop it. Everyone keeps saying that it wasn't my fault, how I would have prevented it if I had known, but the truth is none of that matters.. whether I beat myself up over this or not, it doesn't change the fact that I was violated in one of the most horrible ways. And I can't even bring myself to say the word.. I only whisper it because it's that bad. I've just tried so hard to be okay this year, to make 2006 something wonderful.. it was well on it's way to being so until I got careless and thought that the happiness would last forever.. or at least a little while longer. But I'm here, torn completely in two pieces: the part of me who understands that this time is busy and I have to keep all my wits about me to make it through, and this other, simpering weepy part that just wants to curl up and hide and spend the day isolated and alone. And that's just not possible. So I end up neglecting my studies something awful while I try to make sense of what's left of my life. I'm so sorry for all the things that I've done that have led up to this point.. and I feel so incredibly guilty that maybe I caused it.. I don't know. Shame is a big thing. And self-blame, and a lot of self-hatred. I just wish I had more time, but I don't. And I wish I had what I had before, where I felt comfortable being weak for at least a little while. I have no time to recover. Life moves on, whether you're fully involved in it or not.


So, anyway... yeah. That's pretty much it.