Sometimes I wonder how different people are. While I'd love to make a broad-spectrum analysis of human behavior, I'm afraid I'm completely unqualified to do so. Naturally, all the stuff I'll talk about here will be my experience and nothing more.

Intimacy is a big deal to me, for some reason. I'm someone who really likes to feel my connection to someone on a number of levels: emotional, physical, mental, etc. The closer I get to someone the more I long to bridge those gaps that separate us. There's a huge craving for love inside me, in any form. Romantic love, to me, is something beautiful and precious, and I want it with all my heart.. And now that I think of it, it's possibly the reason that my friendships with guys end since I tend to allow them to feel that deep need that I have to be loved.

And at the risk of overanalyzing myself without proper training, I will even venture so far as to say that I long for unconditional love, which might boil down to the thing that I have with my parents. It seems as though no matter how often someone tells me how much they love and care for me, I can't seem to go a day without needing to hear that I'm loved. Nothing means so much to me than knowing that I'm not a burden on someone. I want to know that I'm not a regret. It's more than just being tolerated by someone, you know? Because we waste our time in a lot of relationships that aren't going anywhere yet we hold our tongues at the risk of hurting someone's feelings telling them that they get on our everlasting nerves or we resent them.

What plagues me night and day is the fear that I will die alone and unloved. While I know this fear's groundless, it still seems very real, much like monsters in the closet for a little kid. I just want someone to love me, completely and totally. I want a relationship where we don't have to leave each other every few months.. the trauma of separation has worn away what little fortitude I possessed in that area. I'm tired of missing "him", whoever he is, and when I declare myself as a full-fledged adult I intend to carve space in my life for my relationship.

On some level, part of me knows that everything I'm looking for isn't feasible, but I still want it. I still dream about that guy that comes and is everything I want/need at all times, and then I can be as selfish with him as I choose. So even though I enjoy the time I spend with real-life fantasies, it's nice to try to have that dream guy just romance the hell out of me, be everything I want/need. And the relationship drains nothing out of me, which is a definite plus hehe.


I've really been self-depreciating lately. And my moods have been alternating high/low for a while too, which means I go from elation to depression, sometimes within the same hour. Most of the time, however, the depression mood washes over me at night, perhaps because I'm alone and the darkness outside reflects my dark outlook. Tonight's the same as most nights.

And I can't think of anything else to say except that work and class has left me feeling sort of bereft of excitment due to the lack of energy I'm left with at the end of the night, every night. I couldn't imagine doing this for more than the next two weeks or I'd go mad with exhaustion.

so.. g'night.

Don't get me started on the cosmos...

I've been crazy busy the past few days but still found time to read three books so far. Right now I'm about halfway through the fourth in addition to keeping up with the reading for my loyola class and taking care of work and the stuff I'm doing for Kaplan. Tonight finds me with a well-earned, throbbing headache which has been doing so since about 6 this evening.

I've been thinking about relationships a ton, and what makes me tick in them. More times than I care to admit, people have told me that I just make things way too complicated. Maybe that's true. But then, have you really stopped to think about how complicated everything is?

Relationships, for example, are extremely complicated on every level. You have two people with different thoughts getting together because their ideas or destinies--all things that are immaterial--have bound them together. Steven King calls it their ka in a book series about a "gunslinger". Ka is deceptively simple, though. Breaking it down, it means destiny, fate, life force, tons of stuff. I dunno how to explain it better than that. See, it is complicated.

Don't get me started on the cosmos.

Gosh, I'm tired. This entry was meant to be longer but I just don't have the strength. Goodnight and sweet dreams.