It's Spring Break and I decided to take Monday to make some extra cash, which was cool. Naturally I had a lot of free time on my hands (8 hours to be exact) so I decided to write my thoughts down on paper, which is something I've been toying with on and off since July... I read my writing and realized just how different I've become.. I really miss the intimacy that exists between a pen and a naked page, and maybe I should go back to expressing myself there. I'm not going to stop writing online, but probably the majority of stuff will go on on paper. I just like it so much. :)

Going home for the rest of break, got no plans for anything, really.. If you'll be in the Chicagoland area and want to hang out, im me at violetfemme02 on aol. Later.

Sometimes I can listen to music and be completely transported by it. I let it take my whole being away from where I am and fly with it, or explore the depths of deep blue water, or dance in the middle of fire.. stuff like that. Right now I'm listening to Coldplay's Warning Sign and I just feel like swimming and not stopping.

Someone just called me a complex woman. I dunno how they get that when I feel so damned transparent I can't look people in the eyes during a conversation. It's strange. I suppose there are quite a few interesting things about me, but mainly I'm searching for tenderness and acceptance because in all the ways I've grown, I haven't really learned how to accept myself.

I'm a liar, but I still have the tendency to reveal stuff--true stuff--about me to pretty much everyone I meet. Sometimes it would be nice not to reveal so much and retain some of my mystery, but ah well. Dunno if that's possible the way I'm set in my ways now...

I'm staying a bit longer over Spring Break in order to tie up some loose ends around campus and get some extra hours at work which I desperately need to make some cash. That will help me out.

Anyway, maybe I'll also have some time to spend with Josh.. We haven't seen each other in what will be two weeks by the time we see each other again, so it should be a lot of fun to spend time with him. We'll see.


Before I go, I just wanna tell you about this neat kid that I've met through staff class. His name is Brian and he's very idiosyncratic and fun, and we make many a sex joke together. I don't have any feelings for him or anything but I do enjoy his company a great deal. I hope we can spend more time together; it just might be a new friendship.

Later.

I like the way lotion makes my skin feel soft and smooth. I like rainy days when I'm indoors. I like cuddling after making love. I like being petted. I like sleeping in. I like eating in front of the tv. I like Diet Pepsi. I like shopping. I like buying shoes. I like dancing naked in front of my mirror. I like singing with the music. I like making you laugh. I like to hear you talk about me in a good way. I like hugs. I like deep conversations. I like talking. I like writing. I like makeup. I like dating. I like witty banter. I like double-takes when I look pretty. I like green. I like crafts. I like the Simpsons. I like [adult swim]. I like cartoons. I like french fries. I like Spanish men. I love Josh. I like movies. I like kissing in the dark. I like pillow talk. I like Josh's smell. I like liquid fabric softener. I like to clean the bathroom. I like to wash dishes. I like flowers. I like porn. I like pretty dresses. I like sandals in summer. I like feeling skinny. I like juice. I like tomatoes, mushrooms and garlic. I like blogging. I like online games. I like hanging out. I like movie theater popcorn. I like parodies. I like lingerie. I like omelettes. I like paintings. I like plays. I like demonstrations in chemistry. I like public speaking. I like money. I like congratulations. I like Hold 'Em. I like birthdays. I like kittens.


Just felt like thinking of some positive stuff for a change. Things aren't so terrible now, though that could change at any moment. So for a while I'm just going to relax and let my mind wander and rest itself somewhere soft and quiet for a while, in that long-unused happy place inside me. I'll let you know if things stay solid. Meanwhile goodnight.

People dont' want to be around unhappy people. Maybe that's why I don't have as many friends as I'd like.. cuz I'm too busy spending time being unhappy. Just a thought.

Today I didn't really do much different except a bit of fasting and purging.. it was kind of weird but I did feel a lot better afterward. And I restricted my caloric intake to approximately 1000 calories, which isn't really that bad. It's not like I have a ton of willpower so that's like awesome for me. I still haven't worked out yet though, but I'm always so lethargic... I kind of want to tell someone about this but I know they'll mostly be upset and treat me like a pariah so it's not worth it. Josh knows obviously but I don't think he knows what to do, which is fine cuz I don't have to change my behavior.. the only problem that may arise is when I go home this weekend my parents are gonna try and make me eat food and I'm probably gonna binge on it and have to purge in secret with the water on or something.. that's not gonna be that fun. I really don't want to drive down after work on Friday cuz I'm usually tired on Fridays and then turn around and drive back on Sunday afternooon.. oh well I guess I don't really have a choice.

I'm tired of being at school with all these kids who are on the right track.. I just want to slap them cuz I'm going at normal pace and they're going faster.. Fuck them. They just make me feel worse about myself. Whatever. I'll be out of here soon.

I've pretty much given up on seeking outside acceptance here in the blogosphere because I don't read other people's blogs much anymore for one, and for two, wanting to be popular has prevented me from getting everything I want to say from the inside to the outside. That being said, I am not promising myself to write more frequently, or more substantially. It doesn't matter. This is just a soulspeak receptacle, nothing more.

In the interest of the whole truth thing I'm trying to establish, here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately in no particular order:

suicide-- I got a bill for the time I spent in the hospital and it obviously made me want to kill myself all over again.. I sometimes think that would have been better than trying to get help that costs so gd much.. I mean what's the point of staying alive when it will cost you money anyway.. It would have been cheaper to cremate me Jewish-style.

bulimia--I'm upset with my mom again because she said she was okay with my decision to change majors and now she's back to hating me for making bad decisions all the time and costing her tons of money. I can't think of any other way to handle it and I feel so gd frustrated about not having a real direction that I'm eating a lot to feel better.. and it works, which sucks.. cuz afterward I just feel so fucking fat and disgusting so I purge.. not throwing up on a daily basis, except for the past two days that I have.. mostly I use laxatives but they just make me dehydrated. I've been reading pro-ed sites and I know I have to couple that stuff with exercise or it's just not going to work to lose weight and look better which in turn would at least help me feel better about some stuff.. I mean geez does all of life have to suck?

school--I guess I could make mom happy and go to law school or whatever, but if all I do is end up with a job as a press secretary then I've achieved my own goals... I'm thinking about taking the five classes and getting a minor in polisci, then at least I'll be more marketable. And I can be a thin businesswoman. Bonus.

depression--seems like I'm right back where I started.. looking at the chart they had me make while in the nuthouse just seems laughable, not like real solutions. I can't understand why when you love someone you treat them so bad.. myself included, you know? How come we as humans keep hurting each other? Why did I ever cheat on josh if I loved him? Why did I ever think that pushing our relationship out of my mind so I could marry a black guy so society wouldn't look at me so much would work? Why do I judge him about not moving out and driving and debt blah blah when he's comfortable where he is for the time being? And why am I still leaning on him so heavily for support when I know he's got all he needs already? I'm definitely not perfect. And it's not that I dont love him either. I know my behavior hurts him but I keep doing it, just like I keep lying to my parents whom I love and my friends who I care about.. People do suck, and it's sad.


Tomorrow morning (which is today) I'm getting up early to go walk around for a while and see what's up with ann arbor. And I can also get exercise without going to the gym with all the perfect tiny white girls seeing my largeness.

I know that I've screwed up the college experience and stuff.. I didn't join enough teams or clubs, I don't have an official boyfriend that my parents know about.. I don't have a ton of friends that I hang out with on a daily basis. I don't know what I want to do with my life that will make me super rich and prestigious later on. I major in English which probably won't help me get a good job, and I don't have any prospects lined up for after graduation. My gpa sucks. I will be in debt. I went to an expensive school.

So we've fucking said all that a million times. Can't we just move on?

How come it's so hard to get support from you no matter what happens? I know I keep screwing up and you do'nt trust me, so if you feel that way just cut me off completely and tell me to go to hell so if I want to I can kill myself without feeling guilty about what will happen to you.. you complain that I cost you so much money and pain and heartache but you say I can't kill myself cuz that would hurt you too.. but you won't let me deal with getting better and feeling better about myself because you still think i'm a failure.. you say it's not your fault that I feel this way about myself but you continually say that you don't think I'm good enough, that my decisions are all wrong and that I could have done things better.. well I'm trying.. you never went away to school and you're doing what you want, which didnt necessarily make you a ton of money so why shouldn't I be able to do what I want? Why does it even matter? Why can't you just let me live sometimes without making me feel even worse about stuff than I already do?

I want to be sterilized.

I want to be an editor or something but my mom doesn't think that pays enough money and it's not a good job. She wants me to be a lawyer but I don't want to do that either. So she said if I major in English I have to stay three extra semesters and get some education hours so I can have a job while I'm starving since I obviously won't have a job because of my majoring in English. I hate how she belittles the things I like and want to do.. I hate her sometimes too.

I pretty much hate me on a daily, hourly, second-ly basis too. Fuck us all.

And I'm in the midst of a pregnancy scare, but that was my own dumb fault.

Things have been alright lately.. I guess I've mostly had my head in the sand, trying to avoid the inevitable. Even though I'm avoiding the sucky stuff for the most part, I know that when everything comes later on it'll really blow. Ah well.

This weekend Josh and I have plans to go to dinner and then hang out a little at his house since I'll be here for actual Valentine's Day. It should be interesting, as we've decided not to spend money on each other as far as purchasing gifts. He's going to dress up a little for me (meaning no jeans and a t-shirt--slacks and a button down, finally) and I'm giving him a massage. I don't have plans for it to be sensual, just a massage that will relax his muscles. You can find anything on the internet, even directions on how to give a first-class massage.

It's funny, but I don't really feel that aura or glow of love surrounding this holiday this year. To be quite honest, I feel rather numb. Instead of indulging this feeling of blah, I've decided to go even deeper into the spirit of love and try my best to make it romantic, etc. Josh and I have plans to read poems to each other and stuff like that. I wrote mine, but it's not very good on account of I just don't feel lovey that way, for some reason. Not that I don't love him, but I just can't wrap my mind around little hearts for a whole weekend. Maybe that means when we get together the day will be way better than either of us expects. That would be good. Anyways...

I suppose I should also talk about how I've decided to go through with the whole not being a doctor thing. It's been at the back of my mind, gnawing away at my sanity as I go through with these science classes and curse myself for not having the desire or the aptitude to finish them. I've told my parents and they are really being supportive right now, which is great. I still feel a little depressed for letting my former self down. But it's about doing something that will make you happy, not necessarily rich and/or stressed beyond belief. And maybe it's better this way; the way I get stressed out, residency would wreak havoc on my poor little brain. Anyway, I guess I'll go to graduate school for English or something and figure out what's going on there... Perhaps I could be an editor for a publishing company.. that would be interesting. I like reading and I tend to finish books at a rapid pace. I'd love to edit romance novels, actually. Oh boy. This whole not knowing where I'm going exactly thing is rather scary.

Welcome to the real world, right?

In my head I know that things will never be perfect, but for some reason I can't stop myself from expecting the best. There are two ways to look at feeling that way: 1. it's optimism that refuses to quit even after it's been shot down repeatedly or 2. it's stupidity. Being a natural-born semi-pessimist, I call it a little bit of both (but mostly 2).

I have an orgo II test this evening and I'm as ready for it now as I'll ever be. It's funny how procrastinating for one thing can drive you toward another. I've done almost all my homework for all my other classes which included reading a 400pg novel over the weekend, lol, all cuz I didn't want to study for orgo. I did a homework assignment for Ling 212 that won't even be graded, and I've done the other orgo lab homework that I had to do. Yay me. Now if I could only get myself in gear about this paper in Eng 401...

Music helps keep my spirits uplifted. I like to sing as I walk and have people stare. It makes me feel happy inside.

I have no coat in the middle of Michigan winter because the one I had broke yesterday such that I can no longer unzip it. So I will be getting a new one Wednesday night, I guess. But I did finally stock my fridge yesterday, and that is good. So umm, other than that, things are gravy. I love you and be good.