I've pretty much given up on seeking outside acceptance here in the blogosphere because I don't read other people's blogs much anymore for one, and for two, wanting to be popular has prevented me from getting everything I want to say from the inside to the outside. That being said, I am not promising myself to write more frequently, or more substantially. It doesn't matter. This is just a soulspeak receptacle, nothing more.

In the interest of the whole truth thing I'm trying to establish, here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately in no particular order:

suicide-- I got a bill for the time I spent in the hospital and it obviously made me want to kill myself all over again.. I sometimes think that would have been better than trying to get help that costs so gd much.. I mean what's the point of staying alive when it will cost you money anyway.. It would have been cheaper to cremate me Jewish-style.

bulimia--I'm upset with my mom again because she said she was okay with my decision to change majors and now she's back to hating me for making bad decisions all the time and costing her tons of money. I can't think of any other way to handle it and I feel so gd frustrated about not having a real direction that I'm eating a lot to feel better.. and it works, which sucks.. cuz afterward I just feel so fucking fat and disgusting so I purge.. not throwing up on a daily basis, except for the past two days that I have.. mostly I use laxatives but they just make me dehydrated. I've been reading pro-ed sites and I know I have to couple that stuff with exercise or it's just not going to work to lose weight and look better which in turn would at least help me feel better about some stuff.. I mean geez does all of life have to suck?

school--I guess I could make mom happy and go to law school or whatever, but if all I do is end up with a job as a press secretary then I've achieved my own goals... I'm thinking about taking the five classes and getting a minor in polisci, then at least I'll be more marketable. And I can be a thin businesswoman. Bonus.

depression--seems like I'm right back where I started.. looking at the chart they had me make while in the nuthouse just seems laughable, not like real solutions. I can't understand why when you love someone you treat them so bad.. myself included, you know? How come we as humans keep hurting each other? Why did I ever cheat on josh if I loved him? Why did I ever think that pushing our relationship out of my mind so I could marry a black guy so society wouldn't look at me so much would work? Why do I judge him about not moving out and driving and debt blah blah when he's comfortable where he is for the time being? And why am I still leaning on him so heavily for support when I know he's got all he needs already? I'm definitely not perfect. And it's not that I dont love him either. I know my behavior hurts him but I keep doing it, just like I keep lying to my parents whom I love and my friends who I care about.. People do suck, and it's sad.


Tomorrow morning (which is today) I'm getting up early to go walk around for a while and see what's up with ann arbor. And I can also get exercise without going to the gym with all the perfect tiny white girls seeing my largeness.