Sunday, October 31, 2004

I pride myself on having the answers so often that I sometimes forget that even people younger than myself can help me out. Today, while watching "Real World", a girl started talking about how she suffered from bulimia and another girl said how she could never do that to herself and how she just loves food blah blah blah etc. The other girl said that it's not like bulimic people get rid of food because they like to, it just makes them feel in control. And I remarked that she was right, and my roommate asked if I'd ever done it. Well, I told her the truth--that I have and that sometimes I still do whether I want to or not. It's a way to feel more in control of the things I put in my body and the way I look. And the feelings that make me do it arent' fun and they swirl out of control and it's just a way to stop them... I guess that's why people cut themselves or starve themselves--for control.

A lot of times I feel like this shouldn't happen to me as an african american because I guess society characterizes bulimia as a white girl's problem (I know I talk about race a lot in this blog, sorry), but it's not. My roommate said very wisely that this is a woman's problem because of what we've been force-fed by society for all our lives.

Anyway, I once tried to talk to a friend about this but this friend wasn't really responsive and abandoned me (generally speaking) for someone who "needs [him] more". That makes me feel like my problems aren't important, or that I shouldn't have any, or that they're all not serious and are something I should be able to handle. But sometimes I really do feel out of control.. especially about what I eat and how I feel about how I look. What I really need is someone to talk to about it, someone who won't necessarily tell me, "you're beautiful you're beautiful", but mostly someone to listen to me bitch and moan about what I don't like. It's all pent up in here and it expresses itself whenever I purge. It's the wrong way to handle things and it's not healthy--that I know. But more than a lecture, I just need a listening ear. I'm so tired of feeling out of control and embarrassed and I need some help from someone who thinks I'm worth listening to...

Oh well. I'm glad you let me get that off my chest. Have a good Monday.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Laura waxes a bit--*gasp*--racist?!?


I hope any of you who are prepared to feel offended will steer clear of this post due to the title. But you're a masochist and you want the hate and the pain. So no apologies from here on cuz I did my duty and warned you.


I cannot stand some white people sometimes. I'm talking about the kind that come from a super-small town that has like one black person who generally is the epitome of blackness to them, eating fried chicken and watermelon all the time, braiding their hair and drinkin forties out of a paper bag on the porch with the car up on blocks in the front yard. Either that, or the only black person in their town is an oreo who's not really black at all. Those dumbass white people come here and get weirded out when they actually see a black person not wearing the color red, or not wearing A&F or listening to rap. And if I proclaim how good the Incubus concert was they go, "OMG, you like Incubus?!" And then they proceed to tell you how you're so unique, like you're not like other black people. Listen, fucker, you don't know any other black people except your mixed friend who's lighter than Michael Jackson. So shut the heck up.

And another thing: why the heck are all skinny white girls blond or some ungodly shade of something in that area? Is there, like, some "Aryan" haircolor brand or store that has a cloaking device of being another Starbucks or some other place I don't go? Dude, God made us all with some variety and if He intended for all of you to be blonde and carry that same "quilt-bag" (some $3million thrift store knock-off) your "grandma" (some 3-year-old Guatemalan girl cramped into the corner of a sweatshop) made , He wouldn't have made it so friggin difficult to tell you apart anyway. Ugh. Get the net.

I'll probably feel some remorse or something later. You might wanna come back and visit me again then.

Monday, October 25, 2004

I've become a bad updater, and for that I'm not really sorry. But if it'll make you feel better, I'll say that I am just for the sake of your feelings. I'm sorry! *grovels at your feet*


Ok. But seriously, I guess I'm always busy and that's why I don't really have time or energy to put my feelings down on virtual paper. Sometimes, though, things well up inside me so much that I just have to set my fingers to clicking on these keys. As usual, I know you'll understand.

Right now I'm really frustrated. For me, coming back to college always means more financial woes. And since I took it upon myself to amass more bills in different places over the summer, my wallet's emptier than ever. But hey, that's part of growing up, isn't it?

Anyway, I wanna get to more of the meat of this post. I'm frustrated, people. Really really frustrated. My relationship with Josh is having problems. Though they're probably only on my side, it's still enough that I can't really enjoy things as much with him. The more I'm with him the more it seems like Josh doesn't respect me. I don't know if he takes what I say to heart or whatever. Maybe I am slightly annoying, but that doesn't mean that you can just tune me out or not think about the things I say. Does he do that with more important things I say? I wonder. And I'm still kind of bent out of shape about all the women he hangs out with. He still sleeps over at Julie's even though I asked him not to a long time ago.. It's like he still does the things I ask him not to. Does that mean respect? I suppose I have to be more lenient because I've done bad things too, but even so. It's really hard to keep putting up with this because it's been going on for years. I'm just tired and upset with him. And I don't even know if it's worth talking about with him because he's probably just going to say that I take things out of proportion (as he does a lot when we have arguments). So whatever. I guess I'll just stew in my own juices. Dammit. I wish I picked up the car this evening because right now I could really go for some olives.

I love green olives.

Anyways, I suppose that's it for tonight. I hope you guys are doing well. Later.

Friday, October 15, 2004

As the weeks go by I become a busier and busier girl, it seems. My free time is spread out all over the place in extracurricular activities like clubs and working. The other time I spend working. I told you I've got two jobs, and it's really hard to get them done in addition to studying and homework (mostly papers), Bible study, church on Wednesday nights, and still trying to fit in 2 hours of [adult swim] each night. :)

I'm not sure if I came upon an epiphany this afternoon while talking to the greatest chem professor here at U of Michigan: Dr. Kathleen Nolta. (I totally love her, no joke.) She offered to write me a recommendation and we were talking about what I need it for, etc, and I attempted to explain what I want to do with this stuff, and with a medical degree. And I'm not sure if what I really want is to be an ob/gyn. I know that whatever I do I want to help people in a meaningful way, in such a way that they can't crowd me out of their life--actively. I don't want to own some psychiatry practice or law firm where people only come when they want something. Like I said, I want it to be something they don't have to think about, something they expect. And I want to fall into place in their hearts that way, without them even realizing that I'm there--mandatory, yet unobtrusive.

I need to ask God what he has planned for me because I have no clue.

In less enthralling news, I'm going to see a play featuring my RA. That should be cool. Also, Fall Break is this weekend so I'm taking Nicole and heading outta here so we can recoup after the stresses of school. Man, I'm totally beat. I opened the museum at 8 this morning then went to English and then chem lab, then got my brother's birthday present and tickets to my RA's show, then went and picked up the car from the lot. I gotta leave again in about an hour and head over to the theater, so.. lemme get ready. Enjoy your weekend, children. I love y'all.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Hey guys. I've been spending money all weekend working on my outfit for last night so I haven't been around lately. Actually, I went out on Saturday night and looked fabulous, which you'll see once I get my photos developed.. and last night I must say I looked great even though I got to the party and fell flat on my back and then was so uptight I could hardly dance... It's so embarrassing.

Thing is, I have horrible social anxiety that I overcompensate for by being wild and crazy sometimes.. But particularly at parties (which I hate) I get so bound up I can hardly move.. It's just too many people there and I feel like all eyes are on me even when they aren't. It's mega embarrassing for one thing, and it keeps the other people I'm with from having a good time. Since the party's over now, I'm trying not to think about it anymore. You know, I tend to rehearse my mistakes over and over in my head such that I feel worse and worse.

But on my way home something weird happened.. I was standing outside my dorm talking to my mom when this guy from the party came by with the girl I suppose he was escorting.
He's like, "Who are you talking to?"
I was like, "I'm talking to my mom."

Normally I would have been weirded out, but we exchanged a couple of words at the party. He said I looked nice and I returned the compliment--banter, you know. Whatever. Anyway, he proceeds to take the phone from me and asks, "What's your last name?" I tell him. He starts talking to my mom, like, "Your daughter looked ravishing (verbatum!) tonight and I just thought you should know. All eyes were on her at the party and she stole the show. She must get that from you. You have a good night." Needless to say I was like, "Whoa!!" It was so strange because I had never met this boy before tonight. My mom thinks I should get to know him better, but then again she doesn't know I'm off the market. It was strange that someone would come on to me in such a blatant way.. it wasn't offensive, more like sweetly creepy, like a stalker who leaves single roses on your desk at work. Weird.

All in all, this was a memorable weekend. Thankfully, though, Fall Break's coming up this week. I certainly need it. Ttyl guys.


I'm goofy hehe.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...erotic
Your hugs are...gentle
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...irresistable
Your smell is...beautiful
Your smile is...encouraging
Your love is...eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Updates: I didn't get the brain center job. Bummer. I'm going to Black Homecoming on Sunday. I now have two jobs: one at Kelsey Museum and another at Telefund. Sorry if you're a UM alumnus and I call you during dinner. My bad.

Hmm... what else.. I can't really think of anything. Wait--I'm applying to spend the summer doing research in Ghana or Jamaica. And I'm also applying to be an RA once again. Hopefully this go-round is more productive than last time.

That's pretty much it. I must be at work at 8am tomorrow.

p.s. I love you Josh.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to extreme exhaustion. It was like my body decided that the stress was too much and everything just piled up all at once. So today, I took the day off and drove out to spend the day with Josh.

Let me say it was just what I needed. Being with him makes me feel so much better. We wrestled, talked, kissed, he petted me and told me a little about poker.. he just made me forget about everything that was going wrong. By diverting my attention he allowed a ray of sunshine to creep back in and sort of dry up the flood of craziness. I love him so much.

My aunt died on Saturday. It's not like we were very close, but the shock of that coupled with the other deaths we've faced in the last three months just made me really really sad. My dad's taking it pretty hard; it was his sister. The familial relations among them are weird and I don't wanna go into it. Most of you know the reason anyway. Still though, it's sad when a family member leaves this earth and you have to allow yourself to grieve properly or you freak out. I kinda freaked out on Monday. But then Josh saved me, and I love him for it.

Other than that, there's not much else going on in my world. Just workin on school and getting work and such. Keep me in your prayers so I don't get weary mid-semester, like usual. But I dont think it should be bad. I hope you're all well. And leave comments about how you love me and stuff. Thanks. :)

Saturday, October 02, 2004

I know it's been almost an entire week since I've written to you, and I'm sorry. This week has been crazy. I've done like 4 papers in addition to lab work and other homework, reading, and I had my first day of work on Friday. Then I drove out to see Josh and went shopping. Oh man, could I use a good night's sleep uninterrupted.

Anyway, it was really nice to unwind with my booby last night. We hadn't seen each other in like two weeks so I missed him. Nothing special happened.. he bought me soup and was sad I wouldn't let him pump my gas... I woke up to a very special surprise this morning, but I can't tell you about it cuz a girl's gotta draw the lines of propriety somewhere...;) It was nice being in his arms last night though. It woulda been nice to stay tonight too, but I thought I had some pressing engagements this afternoon.

Tursn out that I really didn't do much of anything except read my novel for english, so... whatever. It was productive but not exceptionally fun. It woulda been better just to spend time hanging out at work with my honey. I met one of his coworkers by the way. It's so cute how people seem drawn to his good-natured ribbing. I guess that's what drew me to him in the first place, though. :) I love him.

I guess that's pretty much it. I know it's not interesting, but that's how it is now, kids. Be good and have a great week if I don't get to talk to you again before it begins.