Oftentimes I'm reminded of why I should have allowed merely the faceless people of the internet to read my online journal. The knowledge that Josh reads only brings me a bit of annoyance, especially when he asks questions from information he's gotten exclusively from my journal. *sigh* In these cases, telling the whole truth about how I feel comes back to bite me in the butt.

For example, when I wrote about how I feel about my friend and my attraction to him, I think Josh kind of got the idea that I was going to do something drastic because I said I was rebounding. Well, we did kinda talk online so I'm not going to say he got all that information from reading my journal, but the background stuff was from blogger.

I said all this to say that he and I are supposed to be getting back together, but I'm not convinced that he really wanted to, more like he was afraid that if we didn't I'd go ahead and just sleep with my friend even though I know he doesn't care about me in the slightest, and the thought of "losing" me to him would drive Josh insane. They have a mutual dislike for each other because of me. Anyways, Josh called me and was like he was going to ask me to get back together. He says he can't stop thinking about me and that I'm always on his mind, he wants me, etc. I just wonder what about all the stuff he said about being sure, or wanting to have more experience with dating, etc. It seems like nothing has changed between us, and I'm just not sure that things are going to permanently be different from here. If you were to ask me what I want, I'd say that I really do want him but I just believe that it is impossible for us to really work out, especially with the way I feel about my parents and the rest of the world. I'm not a fighter anymore... I can't handle the pressure of convincing my parents that Josh is a good and worthy person, and that I'm willing to be with him even if it means losing the relationship I have with them. Truth is, I'm not even sure I'm willing to do that myself. The best thing for me now is probably not to be in a relationship at all, but I just miss Josh so damn much I can't stand it.

So where does that leave me now? Pretty much in the same predicament that I was in before. I feel like I should be fine, and people are expecting me to be better, but I just can't get my emotions straightened out. I'm still sad for no reason and I would like to be happier.. it's weird and pretty sad. Oh well.

I didnt' do much today except clean, so not much to talk about there. Oh, my friend asked me to hang out but I told him it wasn't a good idea because of what I talked about with Josh. So I've been good, at least for today. So later everybody.