Fuck. Me.

It's like I'm one of those people who was cursed to never be in between.. I'm either happy or miserable. And now, when I think I should be feeling miserable, for some reason, I'm kinda happy. I fucked up on the LSATs and I'm jobless and alone, but at least there's some positivity in my life. It's all about running, really.. I have a new hobby for the time being and I do kinda like it. Hopefully I can hone that skill and make it into something I can begin to do with groups.

Weird thing is, I'm still dealing with Josh and that shit he told me.. sometimes I think that I'm totally helpless and ready to go back at it again, but then there are times when I think about it.. and I know he's not sorry about what he did, just that I got hurt by it.. and it's not like he owes me anything, but that's just the point, you know? It's like he and I are doing things because we know that we've already hurt each other and even though we say we've forgiven each other there are these invisible tally sheets where we keep score of who hurt who in what way.

And it's in times like these.. my alone times.. where I want to just turn away from all that and go another direction. It's like while I'm talking to him I'm almost convinced that we should be together, yet there's this part of me that can't stand to think about us touching or ever really connecting again and I feel like I'm going to throw up from the visions that come to me. I guess the part that's telling me to turn away is the most honest part. Cuz I really don't think that, if we got back together, things would change all that much.

Even now there's part of me that wants not to write this because I feel bad. But then I say to me, yeah, so the fuck what I have low self esteem in some ways but even I think I deserve some kind of real happiness.. and he wouldn't be fighting so hard to stay a part of my life if I wasn't a cool person who was worth a lot of bullshit. So I'm gonna keep my distance, I think, and just go with running for now, and maybe even making crafts of the various stuff around my house.

Here alone in my little world, in a strange way, I can be happy. No, there's no significant other person involved, and that's alright.

I'm probably gonna be on the rag soon, hence the emotional outpouring lol..