I guess I didn't realize just how much importance I placed on the timing of my own life. It's just that, now that it's in grave danger of being derailed I have a lot more time on my hands to think and maybe plan what to do now. But it's not a good feeling, that being in limbo. As a matter of fact, it feels pretty shitty.

Though I was expecting them to come Monday, I got my LSAT scores back Saturday night and they were atrocious. It was like the worst thing that could ever have happened to me as far as those go. I mean, it would have been better not to have busted my ass and wasted my parents' money cramming for the test in early June if it was just going to mean I have to take it again this October.. meaning probably no scores back until November, meaning applications won't be considered complete until at least by then.. after they've allowed their quota of lackluster applicants like myself, so I'm fucked it seems.

Yeah, I'm a complainer, but in this case I don't think it would have even been so bad had I not gotten the score I wanted. Cuz at least then I would have been able to respect myself for a job well done, blah blah. But I did worse than my diagnostic from Kaplan, meaning that I was better off before wasting almost $1300. I feel like a failure, man. If I have to wait a year before reapplying to law school, what kind of job would I be able to hold then? Maybe a secretary at a law firm or something? I just dunno.

At church today I felt like shit and couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye.. And at the end of service some people came and prayed for me.. but it wasn't like in a private way; it was really really intrusive. And I can see why people don't want others in their personal space especially when they're upset about something. I kept my mouth shut but inside I was screaming, "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" I'm angry at myself, and my mom for trying to be supportive while at the same time muttering "I told you so" at intervals.. I'm angry at God because I was supposed to be trusting him that things would work out well, and look at 'em. Shambles. And it really sucks that even in summer I can't seem to get away from depression. Dammitall. Ugh.

I can't type the fucking 3-page paper that's due tomorrow for class because I can't bring myself to type anything related to law school, so the screen's been up for like 3 hours and there's nothing on there. Tomorrow I'll just get up around 10 and put something together I guess. Then maybe I can find a way to get out of the house for awhile and do some more reading.

that's it for now.