I'm practically in a dreamlike state writing this, I'm so overcome with exhaustion. From the late nights preparing for my mom's graduation yesterday to the 7 hours of LSAT prep I do every weekend I feel like I haven't had adequate time for sleep. To make matters worse, I've been staying up late nights (averaging about 3:30am) because I can't sleep. It's pretty sad.

Thus far, everything has been going along without many glitches. There is, however, the problem of what's going on between my brother and I. Not that it makes me lose sleep at night, but it's really stressful to be on edge about something all day every day, especially when you live with the thing that's causing you distress. It all started with him thinking that since he's humongous he can belittle and treat women like crap. I can't stand that. He actually knocked me around the other day then had the nerve to say some crap like, "I protected and defended you every day of your life," blah blah. My point is, no other man has ever hit me like that and he's supposed to be some kind of shining example? Bullshit. I'm so tired of this garbage and I'm ready to write him off like I don't have a brother. But that's wrong.

It's soured me on relationships for the time being. That coupled with the lack of desirable black men in my area has me feeling kind of low in general. I wouldn't say depressed, but to be honest the thought of cutting crossed my mind. It's dumb, I know, and I never said I was gonna do it but I have been thinking about it.

I'm lonely. Life hasn't been boring, but even though it's actually going okay I feel like something specific is lacking. I miss feeling like part of something special and I wish that when people (guys) looked at me they saw more than just what I look like and actually wanted to talk. Part of me's rationalized it that men are just visual beings and women should learn to adjust, but I can't help wanting what I do. I don't want a bf/gf relationship, just something interesting.

God, for some reason I feel like crying and I haven't the slightest idea why.

This entry was kind of pointless, but at least there's an update. I start my first English class of the summer on Monday, so if I don't talk to you before then wish me luck. Peace out.