Ah fuck, you're lucky. Two posts in one day, not to mention that they're painfully close to one another...


I can say in all honesty that I understand why there are so many disillusioned and bitter people in the world because I am in grave danger of becoming one.

When I was, like, between the ages of 13 and 16 I guess, love was so incredible. I wanted to find it.. I was willing to follow it anywhere, and it led to what seemed like insufferable heartache. But who knew? I suffered and bore it.

Ever since I started growing older with Josh, and maturing really, it's seemed like love has gotten harder and harder. It no longer was this thing on a pedestal--it became fallible, just like people. But I still wanted it in my life, you know? And now, in what's essentially been my first adult relationship I've experienced pain like you wouldn't believe, and also incredible joy. And it's mixed me up so much I don't really know what's what.. Maybe when a person has a huge role to play in your formative years it's hard to see yourself without seeing them as a large part. Maybe I've done myself a disservice by having a bf for so long.. I dunno, and it's too late to start speculating about that now.

Right now I really feel hurt by Josh, and even myself. I'm not trying to justify anything that either of us has done, but I am more hurt than I care to admit... Last night I just lay there thinking about it in horrible detail. Tears didn't/wouldn't come, but maybe they manifested themselves in nightmares. I feel too old for this shit, but I guess I'm not. I just think that loving someone isn't enough. There's trust and respect and the desire to give that makes it into the beauty it's supposed to be. And Josh and I didn't have all that.

I want a fresh start--completely and totally with someone different. Or maybe some time with no one at all. Either way works for me.

That's enough for now.