Washout

washed out, wish things were getting better
but if I phrased this in a letter
I think that you would pass it all by

by this time you must know whether
or not I could keep together...
the giveaway's the tears that I cry



I'm not overly sad, but I do feel like a limp, wet rag that's been wrung out several times too many. This LSAT stuff is more intense than I expected and I guess I hadn't been challenging my brain this way so the muscles, if you will, are sore from being flexed again and again and again. But at least this time I improved on an exam. By "go time" in June I should be ready to kick some logical butt.

Class starts tomorrow, and it's downtown again which means more money spent, blah blah. I can't wait to have steady income again, man. And a steady reason to go out on a daily basis. You can't imagine how screwed up my internal calendar is because I only really do learning on the weekends. It's insane, really.

I've been noticing that my internal clock has been ticking. I realize that I do want to get married even though I'm preaching the later the better and all that jazz. People my age have been prepared for marriage and it's really weird knowing that someone who was only this old was making decisions for a family. *shivers* But knowing me, if I don't fall violently in love with someone I'll settle for a comfortable, passionless relationship out of fear that I'll end up alone. It's sad, but that's just who I happen to be, for better or worse (pun intended).

The most powerful feeling washing over me lately is loneliness. Amazing how many people you see in couples when you're not in one. I'm not desperate enough to settle for anything that comes my way, though, for I've promised myself that only a positive relationship is worth the time and energy I'll have to invest in it. And I'm a person with goals, one of which is to find someone who can share in the dreams I have as well as support me in my pursuit of them, and vice versa. Maybe this thing doesn't have to be so serious in the immediate, but I am kinda looking for a potential sense of longevity.

On that note, I want to mention that my LSAT facilitator is really cute. Tall, thin, dark-haired, witty--would be perfect if it weren't for his impatience and tendency to make a remark cut unecessarily. He watches me often, I notice. But I don't really think there's anything there. Anywho...

I miss you, readers. Won't you comment if you're still alive out there? Else I'll mourn the loss of you in another entry.