Becoming... A Lady

how I am

2006-02-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

It seems like ages ago since last I posted here. Since I'm on myspace.com a lot more these days I don't find as much time as I used to for posting here. I guess I didn't have space for much blogging in my life these past couple months. And really, it's not like you would have wanted to hear about me anyway since I was mostly kind of down.

I told you about finally breaking up with Josh and then moving on and meeting this new guy B... I dunno if I said his name so we'll just stick with B. for his privacy's sake. Anyways.. Things with me haven't been so great. I was kind of shaken to my very foundations with stuff with Josh, and our association with each other came to a most abrupt and painful ending. I haven't been completely truthful with the people I care most about, and that's probably going to be my undoing.. and for that I'll have to pay. I just hate knowing that people are upset with me, or hating me. It's something I struggle with so very often it's not funny.

*sigh* I lose sight of the good things in my life so easily. Maybe it's because right when I start feeling like there are good things about me, something bad happens to remind me once again that things aren't great, and I'm not great either. For someone so young, I have so many regrets. I wish I knew how to make all that go away. It's just that this painful time comes on the heels of something that was so beautiful before, which makes everything so convoluted and messy for my emotions. On the one hand I've become cold and calculated, and on the other it's like my heart is so raw, covered with these open wounds. I'm just suffering, and I don't know how to stop it. Everyone keeps saying that it wasn't my fault, how I would have prevented it if I had known, but the truth is none of that matters.. whether I beat myself up over this or not, it doesn't change the fact that I was violated in one of the most horrible ways. And I can't even bring myself to say the word.. I only whisper it because it's that bad. I've just tried so hard to be okay this year, to make 2006 something wonderful.. it was well on it's way to being so until I got careless and thought that the happiness would last forever.. or at least a little while longer. But I'm here, torn completely in two pieces: the part of me who understands that this time is busy and I have to keep all my wits about me to make it through, and this other, simpering weepy part that just wants to curl up and hide and spend the day isolated and alone. And that's just not possible. So I end up neglecting my studies something awful while I try to make sense of what's left of my life. I'm so sorry for all the things that I've done that have led up to this point.. and I feel so incredibly guilty that maybe I caused it.. I don't know. Shame is a big thing. And self-blame, and a lot of self-hatred. I just wish I had more time, but I don't. And I wish I had what I had before, where I felt comfortable being weak for at least a little while. I have no time to recover. Life moves on, whether you're fully involved in it or not.

So, anyway... yeah. That's pretty much it.

haven't ranted in awhiles, so...

2006-01-30T14:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't put a rant up in awhile, and I just wanted to make sure that people knew I'm still alive and there are still things that displease her majesty, her majesty being me. :)

Let's start from the top of the list of things that have recently been buggin' me:

1. Ugg Boots on college campuses

This is a widespread epidemic. It seems as though unsuspecting young college women have stepped in colorful piles of dogshit and have been brainwashed into thinking that said colorful piles of dogshit are stylish/cute. As a lipstick feminist, I'm offended at the new generation of chicks who now believe that comfort must equate with ugliness. We're raising a new breed of women who refuse to wear heels, however low, or shoes that feature neither steel toe nor any point whatsoever because "they'll make my feet hurt!" Yeah, but come this summer you'll still be wearing pink dogshit with your miniskirt. That makes sense. I'm sticking with the Facebook group "all those wearing uggs should have their legs severed at the knees".

2. PDA

No, I'm not talking about your Blackberry or any other Personal Digital Assitant. I'm talking about the compulsion some people have to openly tongue, grope, or otherwise mangle their significant others in public. I care not if you are straight, gay, or just a slut.. I don't need to see that. It doesn't get me off to see you playing hide the salami with your gf on your lap in broad daylight. As a matter of fact, it's quite repulsive. That's why we save that stuff for dark, alcohol-fueled parties on Saturday nights--that way, by Monday we've forgotten all about it.

3. Sorority girls

This one's tricky because not all sororities are the same. Some sorority girls I've met have been very sweet. However, I am reserving this category for the whore-ority girls with giant fruit fly glasses and no sense of sisterhood. These ladies' (term used loosely.. just like them!) have the super powers of: cattiness, bitchiness, promiscuity, the ability to talk exceptionally loudly on a pink rhinestone-studded cell phone(I sincerely do not give a shit if Tracy drank so much last night that you found her in her underwear on the balcony of Chi Psi Tri. I'd care more if she'd jumped), and of course the ability to get themselves in terribly funny alcohol-related mishaps. As an RA, I'm privy to lots of things like that. But I don't find it remotely amusing to be awakened at 5am on a Saturday morning because you totally can't find your key and you have nooooooooo idea where it is because you totally had it in your pocket when you went out last night and you must have left it when that really hot guy totally had his hand in your back pocket and you knew you shouldn't have but you let him anyway cuz you were soooooooooo totally drunk! omg omg
Yeah, save it.

I know this one was mostly about me griping about my fellow women, but I've been holding that in for awhile. And having Bruce in my life is making me a little more sympathetic toward guys since there's at least one sweet one out there :). I'm sure I'll have rants for them soon enough.

Other than that, just chilling, taking my time with this whole school thing. Things are going relatively well. How are you?

I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here

2006-01-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on here in ages, it seems, and I know it's not that people are reading this regularly anymore, but I just felt the urge to come and update somewheres to switch things up.

So yeah, Josh and I broke up, again.. and I'm dating a new and wonderful guy that I met on the internet. No, your eyes did not deceive you. I said the internet. And he is really wonderful. I can't begin to describe all the great things about him because part of me is just aching to get to what happened last night. Heh, before you get all worked up, let me tell you there was no sex involved. Feeling better? Okay.

So, B. is this great guy. He drives all the way from Westland to see me on his day off.. and he brings his laptop to show me a tv show that he thinks I'll like. So he comes in and we watch together sitting on my bed.. and then we end up making out, as is kind of the norm for us these days (yesterday being the second occasion for us making out). And it's great, and he makes me laugh and smile, and he turns into this completely different, sexy person who makes my palms sweaty and gross. It's just amazing to me how different he can be at different times. He's completely surprising in so many ways.. I'm like wow all the time now. Especially yesterday. And he promised he'd leave at one instead of 12 because I always want him to stay, and we began making out at like 12 minutes to 1 (because I was compulsively checking the clock hehe) and when it's like 15 after he's like, "I really have to leave." And I'm holding him above me and just whisper, "But it's so easy to stay..." and he kisses me again and he just is like, "Okay, but I'm staying until 6 and I get to take my shirt off!" Which made me giddy in the schoolgirl way. When I asked him why he decided to stay even though he made me promise not to give him a hard time about leaving earlier he was just like, "Well you're here and not there..." And I was just like :-D.

I recognize that the use of so much "like" is annoying, but I really cannot help myself. I've been giddy and amazingly happy for what seems like ages now but in real time has only been a few weeks, and it's all because of him. He takes the hard edge off everything and tinges it in a rosy glow. Everything he says is sticking with me.. :) I can't wait to see him again. It's just the lack of complications, and the fact that I only have such a limited time with him that's making it all so much sweeter so quickly, but also makes me feel safe since when I leave, it's over. So I'm just enjoying myself immensely. He's such a sweet talker that I can't wait to see him again. It'll probably be next week so I should just settle in for a long wait... :) It's all good.. He's not currently dating anyone, and neither am I, so who knows what could happen?

:)

You know for you I bleed myself dry..

2005-11-16T14:19:00.000-05:00

I haven't played Coldplay's "Yellow" in so long.. it's the ringer that comes on when Josh calls. So I play it today and I just start crying, you know? Like so hard I can't stop.. and my throat hurts.. we haven't broken up and I'm already feeling like someone has died. Cuz someone has, and it's me.. and it's all that stuff from the past 6 years that has, like all that romance and all the specialness of feeling. What makes me saddest is that I know I will feel them again, maybe for someone else or something (cuz I don't think I'm the kind of person who will ever be alone for too long--I'm too weak). And that makes me sad because if feelings can be repeated, and if I can really feel for someone else the way I feel about Josh, were the feelings I have real? And that is what I will ask myself from now on. It's better never to have loved at all because then there will never be any comparison.

I wish I didn't know what love was.

I'm usually happy on his birthday.

transmissions from the margin

2005-11-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

I've never claimed to be a perfect person, and I don't expect that other people will be either. I've made my share of racist jokes at one point or another, and there's always a small part of me that cringes in spite of the laughter, knowing that it's not right. Despite these shortcomings, however, I consider myself considerate enough of other people not to really go there unless I'm comfortable enough with them to make that kind of remark.

The sad part is that, in this world, I'm constantly reminded that I'm a black person. The problem isn't that I don't want to be black, but that I have to be reminded of it constantly. Whether people are actively doing things to me or not, I still have to think about it. That's what's not fair. I try to get some people to understand that the fact that I bring it up to them doesn't imply that I believe them to be racists.. and it's really sad that all arguments about difference are reduced to that point. I don't believe that all white people are overt racists, or even the vast majority. I believe that a lot of white people (and other races as well) are guilty of buying into the system because it serves their purposes. And even though those purposes aren't always for the good, I believe that going along with the system is much easier than pushing against the mob.

I think that it's really sad that some people feel that me having a problem with something that affects me personally as a black person is a sign of weakness. I am not a weak person in need of constant reassurance, and it is wrong for a person capable of sensitivity to ignore or assume that sensitivity is unnecessary. It is wrong to assume that we are all on equal footing; we are not. Despite all the gains that society has made to equalize, women are still shortchanged with pay and nonwhites are just that: nonwhites. We are marginalized against a standard that uses white people as the normal. It is unfair that people think that this argument is a position that should be held by blacks, and that my blackness is the only reason I hold these beliefs. It seems as though because of that fact, this argument becomes trivialized. Life's not fair, but I shouldn't just have to "deal with it". It should be made equitable.

Sometimes I feel like white people have "allowed" us into "their" world. I want to feel entitled to a space where I am, as a person, legitimized--not because of my skin tone or my vagina, but because I am me.

Thus ends my rant for today.

these things I believe

2005-11-05T02:26:00.000-05:00

I thought about writing something but I just don't feel creative as I used to. Couple that with the fact that my teacher apparently thinks my writing is shit, so.. I just don't have the motivation. These days I don't have much motivation at all.. Perhaps it means I'm realizing that life doesn't have as much sparkle as it once did. As I age, my illusions dissappear, returning to wherever they came from.

I believe that people want to be good but are inherently self-serving. I believe that love can be extremely selfish, and that it doesn't conquer all unless you allow it to. I believe that parents undertake great risk in bearing children, and that such a decision ought not to be taken lightly. I believe that everyone has regrets, but also the things that we have done make us who we are. I believe I wouldn't trade that fact for anything. I believe in family. I believe in trying my best. And I believe it's alright to feel shitty once in awhile because things will get better.

Eventually.

I don't think it's a sleep-deprived epiphany, but pretty close.

2005-10-24T07:26:00.000-05:00

Obviously there wasn't much sleep to be had last night, but I've still had some time to think. I didn't fall asleep until around 4 and couldn't get all this stuff out of my head. To make things worse, in that short resting period I even dreamt about a guy I have NO desire to dream about ever again, really.

If I ever needed more proof that this is not just something that I can handle on my own, that was it.

But I was thinking that if I ever decided to break up with Josh for, like, the 7th or 8th time, it wouldn't be any less painful. There's part of me that senses that I'm trying to make things up, you know, reasons why I'd be unhappy, so I can excuse this all to myself when I really hate to admit that I want more out of a relationship. Is it wrong to think that there might be more out there? Is it dumb to risk something that is very nice and comfortable sometimes and extremely frustrating other times for the possibility of getting something that's very nice and comfortable sometimes and only marginally frustrating other times? Maybe I am fully responsible for the tough times that I feel with Josh, you know, because we're too different. And then I fell in love too fast because the initial sparks we made (because we're so different) heated things up for me and I couldn't wait. I thought we had time to get to know each other and accept everything, and I do accept who Josh is as a person, and he's a wonderful person... I don't think, though, that wishing he would change is appropriate to do, cuz I'm sure that he doesn't wish that I would. And it's not fair for me to do that.

On the other hand, maybe that means that people shouldn't be so different when they get together. Opposites might attract, but do they stay together as well as two similar people?

I like that Josh is physical in a nice way, like when he holds me and when he lays down with me when I take a nap even though he's not tired. And he always stays until he thinks I've gone to sleep. I like that he cooks. I like that he isn't afraid of my stinkiness, and that he kisses my feet even though feet are completely gross. I like the way he smells and he's cute. And I like when his confidence comes out in good ways. I like that sometimes he does really listen.

I wanted that all to be said.. Josh is a great person, it's just that now that I'm growing up and am ready to make plans for lifetime relationships, if we get together and, say, got married, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't end up in this position a few years later. So the question is, do we postpone the inevitable by hanging out and then make a tearful goodbye in April (when I graduate and go to D.C. for an internship, then to wherever law school in the fall), or do I let him follow me wherever and then try to make this work?

I don't want to be hurtful or unloving, but I do want to be realistic. If that makes me a bad person, then I will spend the next phase of life trying to learn to accept it. *sigh*

I don't like to think I know, but maybe I always did.

2005-10-24T02:35:00.000-05:00

it's times like this, when I can't sleep, that the futility of some aspects of my life is really clear to me. Well.. I can't say some, because I really mean just one: my relationship with Josh. It's been so hard to be together these pst few years, and whether it's my fault exclusively or he and I share the blame, it'll end up the same way. I just want to not be burdened with love for a while, to not think about it.. maybe even to go back to the way things were before I even knew what it was like to be in a real relationship. Things now are just too hard.
This summer I knew it would be like this, but I hated being alone so much that I gave in to that sensitive and sweet part of me that urged me to come back. Even on every level I knew that it would end with me frustrated with myself and with him, but I didn't care; those sweet months that followed were, at the time, worth any residual ugh-ness that would follow. And now I'm in the ugh period, feeling stupid for being so insecure and needy.

I just can't keep myself from wanting more out of a relationship than I'm getting. And maybe I'll be persuaded to try harder when I feel more satisfied. Because a relationship is more than nice sex and good cuddling... It's dancing at a wedding and going out and making compromises to watch football on Saturday morning if you can watch cartoons together on Saturday night. And he and I just aren't doing that. I'm reminded of what the Bible says, ironically:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

I wish he hadn't gone to bed on me like that without even commenting on all the stuff I had said. I needed to hear back from him, even if it was just regurgitation. I think I might cry for the first time in a few months tonight.. maybe that will help. 'Night.

Sometimes...

2005-10-09T01:37:00.000-05:00

sometimes, more than others, I just feel like being surrounded in warmth and being held. I know everybody gets that way ever so often, but maybe me more than other people... It's still hard being without him, having him even 30 minutes away is different than having him be, say, 5 minutes away. It drives me crazy that whenever I want to see him it's a big ordeal and not just a simple walk to his place. Long-distance relationships are really draining...

What the hell are we gonna do when I move after undergrad next year?

Sometimes I don't even want to think about it at all.

just keepin' ya posted.

2005-10-05T12:47:00.000-05:00

I took the LSAT on October 1 and it did go a lot better than the last one. What I got, however, remains to be seen (I'll probably let you know around the 25th or so when I find out).

Right now I'm trying not to let worries consume my life. It seems like every year I'm doing fine until the little worries resurface to nag at me, eating away at the peace that I got over the summer. I'm going to try and not worry so much, reassure myself that things will work out fine because they're supposed to. Good triumphs over evil, that sort of thing.

There really has been a TON of reading these past couple of weeks. What possessed me to take 3 English classes simultaneously? It's like I don't have enough time to do more than finish a few pages of one before I have to start on the other, and I'm a fast reader. I guess it would help if some of the books we read were actually interesting, but.. you know, we do live in a time of academia and boredom, especially in our English classes. I'll cope like usual.

Josh and I are fighting some but we're also settling in to being together. I've started not hiding him from people in my life, and he does come up in casual conversation. I feel somewhat better about that (well, I haven't told my mom though, so...umm yeah) and maybe it will help me do better in the future. I'm not ashamed of my relationship with him, it's just really complicated to tell people. But if I love him, I should suck it up. So I'm tryin' to do that.

Well.. I've also been enjoying TV these past few days, so I'm gonna go enjoy some more. Laterz.

Laura

words, words, words...

2005-09-26T02:01:00.000-05:00

I live off words. Writer or not, I live for the feelings they evoke and the moments they capture. It's something primal in me that hungers for them, making me feel my femininity in my fascination with their aural quality. If you want to stretch things a bit, you could conjure up a connection between aural and laura--not quite backward, but close enough to fool your eyes.

I fill my quiet moments dreaming of books: those already read, those to be conquered and the novels I'll pen in my autumn years. Each time I read something, I feel the author's tone take over me as I begin to narrate my waking life. Since I was about 6 and understood that universal quality behind storytelling I've secretly narrated my own life, thinking in 3rd person to myself, unwilling to miss any moment. It's a little shameful, but I enjoy it. No, I live for it.

That said, I wonder if I can ever find contentment in a world beyond the oral story or even the written word. I long for heartfelt conversation with the one I love, sharing insights and opinions on any topic imaginable. Although I suppose he means well, each "mmhmm" feels like a dismissal. Maybe it's that he doesn't know what to say, but I find it so hard to imagine a world that's so flat. Mine is color-infused such that every whisper of wind leaves its mark on my consciousness. Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I do see things and think of them, making connections and imagining things. It's hard for me to accept that the desire to make sense of one's world in this way can be turned off indefinitely. Yes, we are different people. But sometimes I wonder if we aren't too different in this way. I don't claim that my way is the right way, or even the only way, and I wish that we could meet in the middle. Maybe that way that word-lover in me will be satiated a little bit.

I still love him, though, maybe more because I'm helpless despite this huge part of me that's like "ENOUGH!" a lot of the time. *sigh* So this is love when opposites attract...

2005-09-22T09:23:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to have Josh here for the next couple of days.. missing him has been driving me nuts so it feels really good to come home from class and see him passed out on my futon.

Bad news: the frat I rushed for cut me in the first round, and the application I sent in to write/edit children's books was rejected. So I'm kinda feeling the forlorn-ness of rejection right now. Even so, while I know that both those ventures are productive ones, they lost a great candidate when they lost me. And anything that rejects me I'm going to try and let roll off my back. What-ever.

So... I'm just gonna chill and enjoy being with my boyfriend--who I'm going to start calling "boyfriend" a lot more--or at least I'm trying to. I love him and it's time for me to stop worrying so much about what people will potentially think.

Later.

missing Josh, and other stuff

2005-09-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

Last night was a little rough as far as missing Josh goes. I wanted to be with him so bad that I cried a little... And he and I spent about an hour on the phone bargaining over him coming him. I still miss him, but we plan on seeing each other on Thursday.

It's amazing how many things I'm finding to do this school year, but despite my large amount of free-time I'm still not finding enough hours in the day. Maybe I should be better organized.

I've also been stalling on figuring out my law school apps, but on the plus side I'm rushing a pre-law coed frat. So tomorrow's individual interviews in front of a group of current members, which should be interesting. I'm slightly nervous but I'm still confident that this is something I can handle. We'll see.

I can't wait for Josh to come here to spend some time with me. I miss his warmth in bed with me. I love him...

2005-09-18T02:33:00.000-05:00

If I don't see Josh once a week I swear I go through withdrawals. I haven't seen him since last Saturday/Sunday and I really miss our closeness. Without him, the week seems to have lost its luster.. Our idleness on weekends just makes the crap of the previous week melt away.

I'm lazy tonight. Josh I love you.

On the Veranda

2005-09-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

She sat on the veranda, the quiet patter of raindrops soothing her jangled nerves. The irregular, hollow rhythm of the rain on the stairs of their front porch lent a white noise to her sourroundings, and she snuggled deeper into the comortable wicker rocker that had graced the porch since earlier that summer. Drawing her knees upward, she rested her feet the battered cusihion of a plastic chaise lounge that had seen many summers of barbecues and beers.

She stared down at her newly-manicured toes, looking beyond the pristine shellac and into her own thoughts. The soft rain lulled her into tender thoughts of Ryan, wherever he must be at 2:13am on a Friday morning. He must be at home. Was he near a window, listening to the rain and thinking tender thoughts of her as well? Were men capable of such romance? The practical woman inside her chuckled, and a smile curved the corners of her mouth. No, she could not imagine Ryan Flaggstone beside an open window in his dark bedroom tenderly dreaming of her in his arms. That poetic bullshit might work for heroes in the trashy novels that fed her own lust for literary porn, but men just weren't that way in reality.

Instead of reassuring her, however, the thought that Ryan would never succumb to romance on a rainy night in early autumn possessed her with a sudden sense of dejection. Realistically, had Ryan felt the things she felt when she gazed into his languid, blue-grey eyes? He had seemed so intense--passionate, even--as he lay her across his bed, but was the fire in those eyes kindled by romance or a throbbing in his pants?

She sighed, hugging herslf, chilled by a rain-cooled breeze and her own heavy thoughts.

What's Love...

2005-09-14T09:20:00.000-05:00

...besides fodder for popular music and an excuse for horny teenagers to explore each other's naughty parts in the backseat of the family car?

It's an interesting question, one that's pervaded my thoughts since I was old enough to grasp the concept of relationships among people. After several false alarms and crushes that left me, well, crushed, in middle school I was ready to experience the real deal. I remember high school and waiting for the day I'd fall in love. What would it feel like; who would he be? Would he love me in return? Would it be the two of us against the world? Needless to say I was lightning-quick to diagnose myself a sufferer of unrequited love once I met a boy from California. He was reasonably cute, nice to me, and he'd drunk dial me at night. Amazingly enough, those conversations brought us closer together. Amazing how the drunk dial always has that potential, innit?

I began calling him (sober) after my parents would go to bed and he and I stayed up talking most nights. Soon after, we decided to pursue a "relationship" with one another.. He had never had a girlfriend, and since I'd fooled around (i.e. limited amount of stealing kisses and letting some guy touch my undeveloped chest), I cnsidered myself a relationship authority. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I still remember the way he looked and what he said. Those memories remain, even though it was nearly ten years ago and now I consider myself in love with a different man. What is it about love, or the feelings surrounding it, that allows us to hold on to those kinds of memories when we can't even remember last night's dinner?

Anyways, he and I were pretty close, and had even planned to be each other's first sexual experience until I met Josh at a summer program in my hometown, Chicago. I was not particularly attracted to him at first. Though he was a funny guy, I was too young to have really put effort into realizing he liked me, or flirting back. I was oblivious. Though Josh's technique for winning me was a little underhanded, I still became attracted to his big open heart, quick wit, and his uncanny ability to make me laugh at the most profane thing. I truly believe that, though he irritated the hell out of me by following me around everywhere during the first week or two of our "relationship", I was falling for him at the same time. Or, perhaps we were developing an attachment that went beyond the schoolyard idea of girlfriend/boyfriend dynamic. At least I was--can't speak for him.

I just remember that falling for Josh was different than I'd ever experienced "falling" before. It affected my body in some strange ways that I couldn't explain, either. From insomnia to lost appetite to inability to think of anyone else, falling for Josh wasn't easy for me. I just remember that I had no idea what was going on with me and him. I was clueless, until one of my friends suggested that I might be in love with Josh. He meant it as a joke, but my mind latched on to that idea and turned it over a few times... Strangely, even though I didn't really want it to, that idea made sense. How could I rationalize that, however, when I still technically had a boyfriend at home? I didn't want to believe that my heart could be split and feel for two people at the same time, but to my knowledge it had.

Later I discovered that my love for Josh did bloom then in that short period of time. Since then it's blossomed into something that I don't understand, something I can't even fathom, really. I could describe it in words like, addicting or obsessing, but I could also use words like inescapable and fated. My loving him has its downs, but then it has these indescribable highs. Through it all, I want him. I want to be there for and with him and to have him do the same for me. It's frightening sometimes. I suppose if he's willing to continue the discovery, for time being so am I. Maybe one day we'll figure out what love really is.

on the Miller boys

2005-09-11T00:28:00.000-05:00

I spent last night with Josh at his house, just enjoying being together. Even though we annoy the hell out of each other a lot of times, I have to say he's the most romantic man I've ever really been with. I know that he understands the value of romance, and that makes me pretty happy. Like tonight we came home from the bar and he wanted to cuddle with me--a man who wants to cuddle! It's amazing. He loves to kiss my feet and when I put my head on his chest or lay it in his lap while we're watching tv. Strangely enough, sometimes he's one of the most sensitive guys I've ever known. It's amazing.

Don't get me wrong though. Josh can certainly be a butthole.. like it's almost impossible to get him to pay attention to me on a Saturday or Sunday while football's going on unless it's a commercial. But I'im gonna try and dwell on his good points.. at least for now. :)

His brother on the other hand... We were at the bar this evening with his bro and friends and it was extremely weird. At first it was okay.. (and by the way, Buffalo Wild Wings has the most amazing Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich ever) and then the drunker his brother got the more he started hitting on me, sort of as a joke, but I wasn't sure. And it made me extremely uncomfortable. I mean, Josh trusts him obviously because they're brothers, and his bro does have his sweet moments, but I still believe that he's just a guy, like anyone else. There's no danger of anything happening on my side because for one, his brother is, well, Josh's brother--plus he's not attractive to me at all (way too skinny). But I don't like feeling out of control, and when people overtly hit on me I lose that control. It's not a fun feeling.

Anyway, I'm back in Ann Arbor for now, and it's time to put some energy toward studying. There's just something about homework that makes me not want to do it, lol. Plus I haven't really had much time for relaxation over the summer and we're already back in the school year again. It's sad. But I said that I'd try not to complain so much, right? Ok. Starting now. :)

I really wish Josh would reveal more of himself through writing. Though we've known each other for almost 7 years come July or so, I feel like there's so much more about him I could learn. If you're reading this, Josh, go post in your blog! I love you.

And I love all of you. Nite!

Pre-grad freak out

2005-09-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

I'm having another little crisis.. as graduation approaches I find myself growing more and more afraid that I'll have nothing to do come April. I know that I don't really want to go to law school except to have something decent to do with my life.. My passion isn't law, or teaching really... I want to write. And I don't know how to be able to do that for a market that grows increasingly competitive with each passing day. I read other people, like Hugo, for example.. and then I read my stuff and I really don't see any comparison. I just want to cry with frustration. It's like my worst fears realized--all this money spent for the experience of doing something wild and wonderful with my life only to end up like the other college graduates with nothing to do after graduation.

I have to be willing to work hard to get what I want. And I suppose what I could want is to go into publishing. But how do you tell your parents that it's taken you longer than normal to figure out what it is you were put on earth to do? And once you've told them, how do you make life work out alright? I wonder. If anyone has already graduated and is successfull.. or even if you're not, counsel me. I really need some help.

Thanks,

Laura

Complaining 101 for non-dance majors

2005-09-08T09:50:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that I tend to complain a lot, especially in situations where I feel hopelessly inadequate. It's those times where I feel like talking, my strong point, will alleviate some of the pressure and stress on my fragile spirit. Yeah, after all the stuff I've put myself through I'd still describe me as fragile. In a way, maybe I'm fragile in that I allow people to see my vulnerability while others don't. Does that make me, therefore, more vulnerable or unintelligent--in a word, weak? I'm not really sure.

Those who see the glass as half empty would say that allowing others to see one's shortcomings makes one vulnerable and, consequently, at a disadvantage. Those who take a more optimistic view would perhaps value the honesty that a person like me brings with her openness. So where do I fit in, as a realist? I'd say it pretty much does suck a lot of the time, especially when there are so few people willing to be vulnerable in this world. Maybe it goes back to what I said yesterday about how it's unlikely that people will make drastic changes anytime soon, that we're basically the same person we always have been, etc. In some situations people do tell me they value my honesty and open nature, but those times are so few and far between that I wonder if it's worth it.

I suppose what brought all this up was my horrible inadequacy in dance class. As a person who enjoys doing things well the first time around, I was really rather upset with my teacher's choreographing 30 different gestures (one for each of us as we expressed on the first day of class) into a dance that she both choreographed and performed in a span of 30 minutes. Keeping in mind that this is Modern Dance 101 for nonmajors, I (and probably most of us were as well) was feeling overwhelmed. This was my first experience with dance in a long time, and I belive I learn best when allowed to watch someone do something over and over and over again, slowly, so as to break down their movements into their basic forms and then recombine them. A person with natural talent--a dancer--would be able to see something and then force her body to move as such with little problem. I am not yet a dancer, hence the 101 class for nonmajors. There were people who had taken dance from kindergarten through high school and they were looking with contempt, but I thought to myself, "You all have tons of experience. The last time I danced was when I was about 5, and my mom removed me from the program before our first performance. So keep your annoyance to yourself." I hate when I suck. *sigh*

But again, that's where the complaining thing kicks in. I want to train myself to be a more positive person. That, coupled with my realist tendencies will keep me from suicide, lol. Well.. maybe that's not so funny. But it's true.

I have about 3 more hours until my next class. Man I love my schedule.

Later, all.

It's been so long, I think I got jitters.

2005-09-07T10:30:00.000-05:00

I love college--school in general, really--because each new year brings with it a chance to reinvent the stale. I'm in love with the purging of battered old supplies and restocking the shelves with bright, crisp folders, virgin notebooks, and backpacks still fragrant with the smell of success.

Each new school year brings new classes, new students, new professors, new challenges. I find myself saying time and time again how this year will be different from its predecessors, but that never really is the case. Though I defer to my general stupidity most of the time, I will say that the past 7 years or so have taught me that, in most cases, people don't change that much. Sure, some will see that as a pessimistic view, but I say it's realism. Now I won't get tangled up in unattainable dreams and goals, you know? Maybe a few things will change, but underneath it all I'll still be myself, the same Laura. For me, that's pretty comforting.

I haven't written in awhile because blogging is an effort, as you know. This summer I actually stepped back from writing and instead plunged myself into reading. If I include books from class, I'd say I read about 45 books/novels this summer (the last five of which were Stephen King novels from the Dark Tower series that my on-again-off-again friend Joe adores). It wasn't too bad an effort, and I'll pretty much read anything I get my hands on, especially when I'm in the zone as much as I was this summer. Almost anything was possible then, probably because I was so bored I was willing to try anything.

I've settled into a comfortable tiredness, really.. sleeping a bit more than usual, but I suppose college tends to have that effect. Perhaps it's the food. But to keep you updated:

This year I'm a Resident Advisor at Betsy Barbour hall, an all-female dorm that houses about 300 girls (if that many). It should be an interesting year, and already I've had girls coming to me for advice and expressing their general concerns which have been really cute. So far, I enjoy the job. Then again, I've always loved giving out pellets of advice like a pez dispenser.

I'm a senior this year, and part of me is scared shitless..I've learned that I'm not really sure I want to be a lawyer. That being said, though, I'm not sure what the hell I want to do with my life, so I'm pretty much going that way until something better/more interesting presents itself. I think I might like to work with college students or something. Teaching is actually kind of fun (please don't tell my mother I said that).

Josh and I are in a semblance of a relationship again. For those of you who have followed this blog since its conception and are now emitting a groan of consternation, I'm sorry. But you know how hard it is to cut people out of your life. Besides, at this point, I'm not really sure that I want to. Josh has his faults (and so do I, of course), but he's Josh. He is there for me, and he loves me, and I love him, heaven help me. Like I said before, people really don't change all that much.

So, that's it for the update for the time being. I do have, like 12 credits this semester so maybe I'll be updating much more frequently than before due to extra free time. We'll see though. Feel free to comment, loves.

2005-08-03T00:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how different people are. While I'd love to make a broad-spectrum analysis of human behavior, I'm afraid I'm completely unqualified to do so. Naturally, all the stuff I'll talk about here will be my experience and nothing more.

Intimacy is a big deal to me, for some reason. I'm someone who really likes to feel my connection to someone on a number of levels: emotional, physical, mental, etc. The closer I get to someone the more I long to bridge those gaps that separate us. There's a huge craving for love inside me, in any form. Romantic love, to me, is something beautiful and precious, and I want it with all my heart.. And now that I think of it, it's possibly the reason that my friendships with guys end since I tend to allow them to feel that deep need that I have to be loved.

And at the risk of overanalyzing myself without proper training, I will even venture so far as to say that I long for unconditional love, which might boil down to the thing that I have with my parents. It seems as though no matter how often someone tells me how much they love and care for me, I can't seem to go a day without needing to hear that I'm loved. Nothing means so much to me than knowing that I'm not a burden on someone. I want to know that I'm not a regret. It's more than just being tolerated by someone, you know? Because we waste our time in a lot of relationships that aren't going anywhere yet we hold our tongues at the risk of hurting someone's feelings telling them that they get on our everlasting nerves or we resent them.

What plagues me night and day is the fear that I will die alone and unloved. While I know this fear's groundless, it still seems very real, much like monsters in the closet for a little kid. I just want someone to love me, completely and totally. I want a relationship where we don't have to leave each other every few months.. the trauma of separation has worn away what little fortitude I possessed in that area. I'm tired of missing "him", whoever he is, and when I declare myself as a full-fledged adult I intend to carve space in my life for my relationship.

On some level, part of me knows that everything I'm looking for isn't feasible, but I still want it. I still dream about that guy that comes and is everything I want/need at all times, and then I can be as selfish with him as I choose. So even though I enjoy the time I spend with real-life fantasies, it's nice to try to have that dream guy just romance the hell out of me, be everything I want/need. And the relationship drains nothing out of me, which is a definite plus hehe.

I've really been self-depreciating lately. And my moods have been alternating high/low for a while too, which means I go from elation to depression, sometimes within the same hour. Most of the time, however, the depression mood washes over me at night, perhaps because I'm alone and the darkness outside reflects my dark outlook. Tonight's the same as most nights.

And I can't think of anything else to say except that work and class has left me feeling sort of bereft of excitment due to the lack of energy I'm left with at the end of the night, every night. I couldn't imagine doing this for more than the next two weeks or I'd go mad with exhaustion.

so.. g'night.

Don't get me started on the cosmos...

2005-08-02T00:51:00.000-05:00

I've been crazy busy the past few days but still found time to read three books so far. Right now I'm about halfway through the fourth in addition to keeping up with the reading for my loyola class and taking care of work and the stuff I'm doing for Kaplan. Tonight finds me with a well-earned, throbbing headache which has been doing so since about 6 this evening.

I've been thinking about relationships a ton, and what makes me tick in them. More times than I care to admit, people have told me that I just make things way too complicated. Maybe that's true. But then, have you really stopped to think about how complicated everything is?

Relationships, for example, are extremely complicated on every level. You have two people with different thoughts getting together because their ideas or destinies--all things that are immaterial--have bound them together. Steven King calls it their ka in a book series about a "gunslinger". Ka is deceptively simple, though. Breaking it down, it means destiny, fate, life force, tons of stuff. I dunno how to explain it better than that. See, it is complicated.

Don't get me started on the cosmos.

Gosh, I'm tired. This entry was meant to be longer but I just don't have the strength. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

sometimes I hate my male friends

2005-07-27T21:46:00.000-05:00

I'm having a pretty good week.. I just got a job at a dating service doing direct marketing calls to people who've expressed interest in our programs. I also learned that my scholarship is being increased due to my impressive GPA improvements in the last year, which is also great. And I got to qualify for the Higher Score Guarantee at Kaplan, meaning I can take the LSAT class again for free.

But despite all these good things, there's still one thing nagging me: Joe.

I'm really not in the mood for I-told-you-sos about him right now, so spare me. The thing is, though, I sent a really long email last night detailing how things were going with me. It was really an excuse for a ramble, and I think I'm totally pre-menstrual as well. So it was long.. it wasn't sweet or anything, but it was honest. With him, sometimes it feels like the friendship is halfhearted. I wish I could just totally ignore him as easily as he can do so to me. Okay, that's total bullshit--I wish that he would pay attention to me as much as he does his other friendships. I don't want just to be some back-up girl because that's not who I am. It made me sad to come on after not talking to him since yesterday morning when he blew me off.

I sound horribly pitiful. See, these are the reasons I tell him to go fuck himself.

Anyways.. I've been feeling pretty decent otherwise with my whole running and painting hobbies. I haven't painted in the past couple of days though so I should get started on that tonight. So.. I'm off. later.

Let's Talk

2005-07-27T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not really one to post lyrics, but these are really appropriate for me especially now.

I love Coldplay. They are so awesome (plus Chris Martin's cute--lucky Gwyneth).

Talk--from album X&Y

Oh brother I can’t, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they’re talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that's never been done, do
Something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk

Don't fight it. I know you missed me.

2005-07-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

I'm always amazed at my ease in and readiness to characterize other people's actions as unfair.

Riddle me this: why is it so easy to see things from the outside, like the problems in that girl's relationship with her boyfriend, or the toothpaste on your best friend's shirt? Vision clarity is dependent upon distance from an object.

If you've ever read Hamlet, then you'll understand me when I say I feel like Claudius in that famous monologue he has with God about how he does what he does and should feel sorry, but that it doesn't work because the motivations behind his actions remain. Perhaps my sentiments aren't as extreme as that, but I'm in the neighborhood.

Lately life has been pretty even. Everything here's so cyclic that it bears little mention here, which is my excuse for not writing even on a weekly basis. I guess it's also that I've really lost a lot of my passion for this medium.

To be honest, I've become a bitter and jaded adult. The things my mom goes through to stroke my dad's ego I have no interest in doing with other men. If I don't feel like cooking, I'm not going to. If I don't feel like doing dishes or ironing his shirts, I'm not going to. And I for damn sure ain't gonna kiss anybody's ass when he's behaving like a 13-year-old jerk. It makes me think I'll never get married sometimes. Or if I do, will I end up just regretting it, living out my days with 8 kids, my ass spreading to fit the chair and frown lines? It's not like my life is super-amazing now, but I am not hunting for anything worse than I have now.

That's what like half of me is saying in response to the normal, good-girly half. But I usually shut that perky bitch up most of the time with television.

I've been doing some really--well, selfish---self-improvement lately. I told you about the running thing.. well I've kept that up the past month which makes me really proud. This week starts week 5, which is good. I've also started doing watercolor as of today, so while it's not really awesome, I do like it quite a lot and intend to do more so I get good. These little self-improvement projects help me feel like more of a worthwhile person, so maybe people will want to spend more time with me.

So.. I suppose that's all that's been in the works for me lately, as far as I have liberty to share with you all. Perhaps a time will come again where I tell all, but since I am (and have) a pussy, that will not be anytime soon. I bid you goodnight.

2005-07-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

God knows I love her, but sometimes my mother can be really short-sighted and talks about one thing all the time. And there are times when her priorities are out of order. And then there's the thing about her where if you don't do it her way then you haven't done it right, and if she did it ever, the way it was done was perfect. I get so sick of "Well, I just don't understand __________" that I dunno if I can stand to hear her say it again.

Here's the thing. When I try to share with her how I'm a little afraid of real relationships with people, she just gets all over how she would live life differently, blah blah.. I mean, these are my mistakes to make and regret and that's just how it is. Hearing how she would have done things perfectly does not in any way help me. I just wish she would for once be an understanding and caring person and just listen to someone else's problems without prescribing what she thinks is best--just listening. And then not pat herself on the back when she actually listens for once because that cheapens the whole experience. I am completely frustrated with her sometimes.

And my dad is even worse. I guess that's what I get for being such a homebody.. I get fed up with my dad even more so. We just installed an alarm system and my dad doesn't know how to turn it off when we come back into the house. But he's the first one to run and open the door and then stand, flabbergasted, looking at the panel and yelling for me to turn it off. If you don't know what you're doing, stay the fuck away from stuff.. hello? Does that not make sense? Geez.

*sigh* And what's more on my gripe entry, this girl who I don't like invited me somewhere and when I said I'd rather not go she goes on to insult me (well not insult me cuz it was the truth, but I really believe she meant it as an insult). I just wish the right people would come along, or that I could change and be a more interesting person or whatever. As it stands right now I have zero memories. I must be the worst twenty-something in the world.

Damnit every time I write in this journal I realize just how low my self-esteem really is. Ugh.. I don't feel like dealing with it now.

2005-06-30T13:47:00.000-05:00

Class at Loyola ended last night and won't start again for the next summer session until after Independence Day. I think I should get an A for the class, since it wasn't that difficult and the work wasn't hard.

I started the Couch-to-5K running plan, finishing day 2 of week 1 yesterday afternoon. It's been really awesome so far, and I love feeling the response of my body to how I push it. Not that it's easy, and I'm far from in shape, but I do feel better. And even after this little bit of physical exertion, I notice that I can jog up steps a lot better, not getting out of breath so much. Why didn't I start this sooner?

I guess I've just been looking for a hobby, something to occupy my time until life picks up again. In other news, this girl I don't particularly care for has invited me to a picnic on Saturday but didn't tell me where it was. So why invite me? It's not like it matters, though, cuz I don't believe that I'll be going anyway.

Well.. that's about it for these days. I've been thinking up crafts to do so that will probably keep me busy for a while. Catch you later if you're around.

Smooches.

2005-06-28T19:29:00.000-05:00

Fuck. Me.

It's like I'm one of those people who was cursed to never be in between.. I'm either happy or miserable. And now, when I think I should be feeling miserable, for some reason, I'm kinda happy. I fucked up on the LSATs and I'm jobless and alone, but at least there's some positivity in my life. It's all about running, really.. I have a new hobby for the time being and I do kinda like it. Hopefully I can hone that skill and make it into something I can begin to do with groups.

Weird thing is, I'm still dealing with Josh and that shit he told me.. sometimes I think that I'm totally helpless and ready to go back at it again, but then there are times when I think about it.. and I know he's not sorry about what he did, just that I got hurt by it.. and it's not like he owes me anything, but that's just the point, you know? It's like he and I are doing things because we know that we've already hurt each other and even though we say we've forgiven each other there are these invisible tally sheets where we keep score of who hurt who in what way.

And it's in times like these.. my alone times.. where I want to just turn away from all that and go another direction. It's like while I'm talking to him I'm almost convinced that we should be together, yet there's this part of me that can't stand to think about us touching or ever really connecting again and I feel like I'm going to throw up from the visions that come to me. I guess the part that's telling me to turn away is the most honest part. Cuz I really don't think that, if we got back together, things would change all that much.

Even now there's part of me that wants not to write this because I feel bad. But then I say to me, yeah, so the fuck what I have low self esteem in some ways but even I think I deserve some kind of real happiness.. and he wouldn't be fighting so hard to stay a part of my life if I wasn't a cool person who was worth a lot of bullshit. So I'm gonna keep my distance, I think, and just go with running for now, and maybe even making crafts of the various stuff around my house.

Here alone in my little world, in a strange way, I can be happy. No, there's no significant other person involved, and that's alright.

I'm probably gonna be on the rag soon, hence the emotional outpouring lol..

2005-06-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

I guess I didn't realize just how much importance I placed on the timing of my own life. It's just that, now that it's in grave danger of being derailed I have a lot more time on my hands to think and maybe plan what to do now. But it's not a good feeling, that being in limbo. As a matter of fact, it feels pretty shitty.

Though I was expecting them to come Monday, I got my LSAT scores back Saturday night and they were atrocious. It was like the worst thing that could ever have happened to me as far as those go. I mean, it would have been better not to have busted my ass and wasted my parents' money cramming for the test in early June if it was just going to mean I have to take it again this October.. meaning probably no scores back until November, meaning applications won't be considered complete until at least by then.. after they've allowed their quota of lackluster applicants like myself, so I'm fucked it seems.

Yeah, I'm a complainer, but in this case I don't think it would have even been so bad had I not gotten the score I wanted. Cuz at least then I would have been able to respect myself for a job well done, blah blah. But I did worse than my diagnostic from Kaplan, meaning that I was better off before wasting almost $1300. I feel like a failure, man. If I have to wait a year before reapplying to law school, what kind of job would I be able to hold then? Maybe a secretary at a law firm or something? I just dunno.

At church today I felt like shit and couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye.. And at the end of service some people came and prayed for me.. but it wasn't like in a private way; it was really really intrusive. And I can see why people don't want others in their personal space especially when they're upset about something. I kept my mouth shut but inside I was screaming, "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" I'm angry at myself, and my mom for trying to be supportive while at the same time muttering "I told you so" at intervals.. I'm angry at God because I was supposed to be trusting him that things would work out well, and look at 'em. Shambles. And it really sucks that even in summer I can't seem to get away from depression. Dammitall. Ugh.

I can't type the fucking 3-page paper that's due tomorrow for class because I can't bring myself to type anything related to law school, so the screen's been up for like 3 hours and there's nothing on there. Tomorrow I'll just get up around 10 and put something together I guess. Then maybe I can find a way to get out of the house for awhile and do some more reading.

that's it for now.

2005-06-24T11:33:00.000-05:00

Ah fuck, you're lucky. Two posts in one day, not to mention that they're painfully close to one another...

I can say in all honesty that I understand why there are so many disillusioned and bitter people in the world because I am in grave danger of becoming one.

When I was, like, between the ages of 13 and 16 I guess, love was so incredible. I wanted to find it.. I was willing to follow it anywhere, and it led to what seemed like insufferable heartache. But who knew? I suffered and bore it.

Ever since I started growing older with Josh, and maturing really, it's seemed like love has gotten harder and harder. It no longer was this thing on a pedestal--it became fallible, just like people. But I still wanted it in my life, you know? And now, in what's essentially been my first adult relationship I've experienced pain like you wouldn't believe, and also incredible joy. And it's mixed me up so much I don't really know what's what.. Maybe when a person has a huge role to play in your formative years it's hard to see yourself without seeing them as a large part. Maybe I've done myself a disservice by having a bf for so long.. I dunno, and it's too late to start speculating about that now.

Right now I really feel hurt by Josh, and even myself. I'm not trying to justify anything that either of us has done, but I am more hurt than I care to admit... Last night I just lay there thinking about it in horrible detail. Tears didn't/wouldn't come, but maybe they manifested themselves in nightmares. I feel too old for this shit, but I guess I'm not. I just think that loving someone isn't enough. There's trust and respect and the desire to give that makes it into the beauty it's supposed to be. And Josh and I didn't have all that.

I want a fresh start--completely and totally with someone different. Or maybe some time with no one at all. Either way works for me.

That's enough for now.

one liners... only not funny ones.

2005-06-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, and I feel kind of guilty.

What's new, you ask?

Well, I'd have to say it's the fact that nothing new and exciting ever occurs in this lifetime.

I'm too tired of reminiscing and wishing things were different.

Why don't I get off my ass and make a change?

I think I will.

That kind of thing stays on your mind a lot, you know?

So that's all I will say now.

Oh, and I'm moving again my blog address again...

I want my privacy from the people I know in the real world.

Namely, Josh.

So it's time to pack up and sally forth.

I'll let you know the new digs on an individual basis.

2005-06-23T01:19:00.000-05:00

I feel as though I'm living with part of me asleep. Not all of me, mind you, because I can still function through the day. It just seems to take a lot longer to grab on to something that can get me excited. Perhaps it's my body adjusting to the routine mundane-ness that is my current life. People have suggested that I get out of the house more, and maybe I agree.

There really isn't anything I feel like doing other than reading. I've started a new romance novel just because I can't finish East of Eden (on account of it's so damn slow). Part of me wishes that I could just go to a coffee shop with a book and meet an amazing stranger guy and chat his ear off, but those kinds of things don't often happen to me. (normally I'd bitch about how if I were like 30 lbs lighter maybe it would, but I don't even have the energy for that)

So pina coladas and lying half-naked on a blanket in the backyard.. You know you've hit an all-time low when that becomes an appealing prospect. I wish my neighborhood wasn't so crappy or I'd go out and read on some lawn somewhere. Ah well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Long pause~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Josh just laid some heavy news on me. It's heavier than I ever could have expected, and since I came here straightaway after it I suppose I'm reeling in shock, maybe? But that initial plummet of the stomach I usually get after bad news wasn't there, or perhaps it hasn't come yet. At times, my tendency to speedread gets the best of me and I suppose I'm unable to process information. We'll see what I'm thinking about it in the morning.

At this point, though, I think I'm qualified enough to hold the belief that some people just aren't meant to be together. Hard lessons, man.

2005-06-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

So... another lackluster four days since my last post. I've mostly been thinking and reading whatever I can get my hands on in order to keep myself sane these days I spend at home.

Josh and I are talking about what it would take for us to be together again and I find myself wanting to plan this thing like I plan the other aspects of my life. I mean, I still love him, but perhaps relationships have taught me that they, too, are investments. And I don't want to come out screwed, you know? When I go to law school, it will probably entail moving somewhere and getting a place (that is, unless I live here with my parents *cringe*), so we could theoretically live together. But I'm not certain that's something I want to do cuz I really want my own place to decorate how I want and to leave my dirty clothes on the floor, etc.. my own space. And you can't live that way with another person, you know? I just don't want too many complications.

*sigh* The countdown toward finding out my LSAT score continues; we're now at 6 days 'til I find out. I suppose next Monday I'm gonna rush down the stairs and check my email then probably faint dead away.. lol. Oh man, I've been on edge about that all week. But we'll see.

So.. class is almost over, woohoo.. umm then there's another semester. Hopefully this one will mean an A. And then it's time to pack and do this whole school thing over again. I'm excited about it.

Guess that's about it. Later.

2005-06-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

Strangely enough, writing here has become harder over the past few weeks. It's not that I have anything I loathe to say, but rather the opposite. Nothing new and noteworthy is happening in my life. Of course there are the day-to-day cares that worry me, and class at loyola is full of little assignments here and there. But nothing worth prattling on and on about.

I've two options: play the waiting game, or complain about the ancient frustrations.

Both have their drawbacks, but I suppose brevity is the best choice.

I'm a little upset that Josh may be upset (which I learned from his cryptic away message) and it might be nice to talk to him. Hmm.. what else? Ah. I'm still pretty lonely even though there are tons of people about. And I think I might be slightly depressed. Not suicidal, thankfully, but sad, I suppose.

I might go to the park and read later.

That is all.

2005-06-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well I've taken the LSAT. Yesterday was a very nervous day for my inner core. But outside, I had the strangest calm.. it was weird. But I'm sure it all worked out. For fear of damaging what little sanity I have left I'm not going to talk about my performance on the test.

I met two other people who went to Michigan in my testing room, which was cool. There was a guy who was also a senior and a history major, and he was alright-looking. I got the feeling he would have wanted to chat if I had hung around some after the test, but I didn't cuz I was hella tired. The other girl had just graduated in April so she was an alumni. Good for her.

Then there was this really weird guy who was acting dumb and bringing everything contraband that he could think of, waterbottles, mp3 player.. all the things they said were prohibited in the dozens of rule sheets they gave us. Then he took it upon himself to start humming in the quiet testing room. HUMMING, I'm not kidding. And it sounded like someone was trying to strangle a cow. I thought it was some construction going on in the building; it was awful. Ah well. It's over now. And the law world would be better off without a guy like that, all interested in his own consequence. What a maroon.

I guess this means it's time for me to get employment somewhere. I have no more excuse to dilly-dally under the guise of studying. I really need to pay my bills. If you know anyone that's hiring, let me know. Thanks, and I guess that's all for now.

The "Right" Track

2005-06-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, but hiatus sometimes is what a girl needs.

Haven't been around as much as I usually am just because being at home has its advantages, such as other diversions that keep me from my lifeline, the internet. That and I've been hella busy doing other shit around here. From the LSAT classes on the weekends to my new class at Loyola to my hardcore studying for the LSAT which is in !!5 days!! I've been freaking out a little bit, and just haven't had the strength to come on here and pour my heart out to yous guys.

But here I am. My dreams have been haunted lately by stuff concerning the LSAT. Hard to believe a mere booklet of paper can alter the course of my entire life, but no matter what the people at Kaplan test prep say, it really can. I've always been one concerned about being on the "right" track, and my life's always had a plan.

I'm not the best student in the world, but even in my less responsible moments, I've always been an ambitious girl. As you know, at one point I intended to be a doctor, but when that didn't work out I was freaking out because I knew that I had to decide something soon in order to graduate in 4 years so my life would be "on track". Not having a plan doesn't suit me. I don't like surprises.

And to be completely honest, I think that's part of the reason why Josh and I broke up.. I've seen what happens when women derail themselves for love. With my aunt, who was a brilliant girl at Spelman college, her love for my sorry-ass ex-uncle made her drop out of school and not finish college until she was like 49 years old. He wanted to get married and then there wasn't enough money for the both of them to go to school, so she waited for him.

And he cheated on her until he left her.

That's not me at all. I know that love is a big part of life, and I'm not discounting the idea that it can happen anyplace and anytime. But I don't want the kind of love that derails the rest of my life unless the track it leads me on is going to be much better, much richer, and leave me a better person. Since there's no guarantee, at least I can say that, on my track I've done what I wanted. And there's no one else to blame for failure (God forbid it happens) but myself. That's something I can live with.

Anyways, it looks like it will all work out. I've got all confidence for a great score on the LSAT and a competitive law school. And even though life is hectic these days it'll all work out.

I really attribute this good feeling to my new day-glo orange panties. Yay lingerie.

Be good but have fun.

Washout

2005-05-23T00:36:00.000-05:00

washed out, wish things were getting better
but if I phrased this in a letter
I think that you would pass it all by

by this time you must know whether
or not I could keep together...
the giveaway's the tears that I cry

I'm not overly sad, but I do feel like a limp, wet rag that's been wrung out several times too many. This LSAT stuff is more intense than I expected and I guess I hadn't been challenging my brain this way so the muscles, if you will, are sore from being flexed again and again and again. But at least this time I improved on an exam. By "go time" in June I should be ready to kick some logical butt.

Class starts tomorrow, and it's downtown again which means more money spent, blah blah. I can't wait to have steady income again, man. And a steady reason to go out on a daily basis. You can't imagine how screwed up my internal calendar is because I only really do learning on the weekends. It's insane, really.

I've been noticing that my internal clock has been ticking. I realize that I do want to get married even though I'm preaching the later the better and all that jazz. People my age have been prepared for marriage and it's really weird knowing that someone who was only this old was making decisions for a family. *shivers* But knowing me, if I don't fall violently in love with someone I'll settle for a comfortable, passionless relationship out of fear that I'll end up alone. It's sad, but that's just who I happen to be, for better or worse (pun intended).

The most powerful feeling washing over me lately is loneliness. Amazing how many people you see in couples when you're not in one. I'm not desperate enough to settle for anything that comes my way, though, for I've promised myself that only a positive relationship is worth the time and energy I'll have to invest in it. And I'm a person with goals, one of which is to find someone who can share in the dreams I have as well as support me in my pursuit of them, and vice versa. Maybe this thing doesn't have to be so serious in the immediate, but I am kinda looking for a potential sense of longevity.

On that note, I want to mention that my LSAT facilitator is really cute. Tall, thin, dark-haired, witty--would be perfect if it weren't for his impatience and tendency to make a remark cut unecessarily. He watches me often, I notice. But I don't really think there's anything there. Anywho...

I miss you, readers. Won't you comment if you're still alive out there? Else I'll mourn the loss of you in another entry.

2005-05-21T18:41:00.000-05:00

I'm practically in a dreamlike state writing this, I'm so overcome with exhaustion. From the late nights preparing for my mom's graduation yesterday to the 7 hours of LSAT prep I do every weekend I feel like I haven't had adequate time for sleep. To make matters worse, I've been staying up late nights (averaging about 3:30am) because I can't sleep. It's pretty sad.

Thus far, everything has been going along without many glitches. There is, however, the problem of what's going on between my brother and I. Not that it makes me lose sleep at night, but it's really stressful to be on edge about something all day every day, especially when you live with the thing that's causing you distress. It all started with him thinking that since he's humongous he can belittle and treat women like crap. I can't stand that. He actually knocked me around the other day then had the nerve to say some crap like, "I protected and defended you every day of your life," blah blah. My point is, no other man has ever hit me like that and he's supposed to be some kind of shining example? Bullshit. I'm so tired of this garbage and I'm ready to write him off like I don't have a brother. But that's wrong.

It's soured me on relationships for the time being. That coupled with the lack of desirable black men in my area has me feeling kind of low in general. I wouldn't say depressed, but to be honest the thought of cutting crossed my mind. It's dumb, I know, and I never said I was gonna do it but I have been thinking about it.

I'm lonely. Life hasn't been boring, but even though it's actually going okay I feel like something specific is lacking. I miss feeling like part of something special and I wish that when people (guys) looked at me they saw more than just what I look like and actually wanted to talk. Part of me's rationalized it that men are just visual beings and women should learn to adjust, but I can't help wanting what I do. I don't want a bf/gf relationship, just something interesting.

God, for some reason I feel like crying and I haven't the slightest idea why.

This entry was kind of pointless, but at least there's an update. I start my first English class of the summer on Monday, so if I don't talk to you before then wish me luck. Peace out.

2005-05-16T10:27:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that yes, I made it to my 20th birthday. It was fine. At dinner, I had chicken parmigiana and a carrot cake. We didn't sing or light candles, and my present was mostly underwear (which I needed). I wouldn'ts say I got shortchanged because they've spent a shitload on me and school-related stuff recently. Realistically, It's practical, all of this, and I'm thankful to my parents for being so nice and loving (my mom gave me not 1, but 3 different cards). Still, I am a little sad.

But I'm an adult now.

LSAT prep is kicking my ass but I will master it soon enough to do well on the test. I want to increase my score by a lot of points so it's going to require lots of study which I'll be tackling later today, but really I should be working on this throughout the day. Whether or not people realize this, It's harder than I thought to be logical and find argument flaws, and we make them all the time in our opinions. Because this is work best suited for logical people (which I am not naturally), I'm a little scared how well I'll do. But no matter what, I'm still a good analyst with my English major and I can do this I can do this I can do this *repeats like a mantra*

I spoke to Josh last night and it felt.. well.. like we were FWBs. But trying to explain that sense coupled with that still loving him thing is still hard to do. I only know that I feel lonely right now. And while I missed being flirted with while at U of M cuz nobody tossed a bone my way (too many skinny blondes everywhere to even take a second glance at a more-than-curvy dark-haired black chick) here in Chicago I get talked to all the time by looooooooooossssseeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrs and it makes me wonder where the good men are. I want to have an intelligent conversation with one who doesn't automatically think he's smarter than me because his vocabulary includes esoteric (I swear I heard somebody use that in a sentence yesterday and all I wanted to do was punch him. How does that even come up in everyday life?).

So I'll probably be getting a job at some time after taking the LSAT which is better for me, but I wish it could be sooner so I could pay my bills which are piling up.. Hopefully I can get this credit card paid down if not paid off and fix my credit.. oboy. I won't be telling this to the 'rents, and you better not either if you know what's good for you.

Well, back to the daily grind of the ever-expanding mind. That means LSAT prep. It also means I'll see you later.

2005-05-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

In 3 days I will no longer be a teenager, but on the verge of a twenty-something. Weird, crazy, scary. But I'll save the reminiscing for the last post of my teenage years.

So the kaplan test prep for LSAT begins on Saturday, bright and early at 9am. I have to be on Randolph that early.. crazy.. For those of you who don't know, I live on the south side of the city so getting downtown can take upwards of an hour. This I'll be doing every Saturday and Sunday until the end of the month. Fun fun fun.

Consolation prize: meeting hot young wannabe-lawyers. It's totally worth it, cuz even though they'll grow up to be leeches (like me *grimace*) they'll at least understand the pursuit of a dream/goal. And that means we already got something in common, yay.

Still hanging out.. probably haven't lost any weight to date (that rhymes.. I've officially been spending too much time in the house/reading) but that could change at any moment. Comment with interesting cookie jars you've had your hands into. Anyone else's life is, at this point, more interesting than a Spanish soap opera to me.

I love you all. *smooches*

2005-05-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

I made cookies the other night only to realize that I actually like making food again. It's weird how these strange habits or phases come on me and I can hardly resist doing things and making changes.. and before I know it they're over. But I kinda like that about me.

Nothing much happening here except for Kaplan test prep... I'm starting to get up at 10 and studying from 11-1 then studying from 7-9 so I can get a good grade on this test man.. it's cost way too much for me to be a slacker, you know?

I feel like going out and meeting new people. Perhaps after my study session tomorrow I'll go out and amble about the streets of downtown Chicago and seek some adventure. Damn, I've missed this city and its smoggy charms for so long I feel like I barely know him anymore. We definitely have a date tomorrow; believe it.

and that's pretty much it. have a special tomorrow, y'all.

2005-05-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

not much going on here, except me realizing that I really just want to get out of here as soon as possible. it'd be nice to get a real job that would pay my rent and bills so I don't have to live at home during law school, but that would probably just be wishful thinking.

I want my own space really badly, guys. not that living at home is so terrible but I enjoy being alone a lot of the time, cooking when I want, cleaning when I want.. and more importantly not picking up after other people. that's key.

I'm planning on going on a diet that includes caffeine as an appetite suppressant. it started when I realized I can't really fit many of the clothes I purchased last summer in thinner, warmer days. but that's gonna be okay. so I'll start that monday, I guess.

damn I don't have much to say tonight. it's been a slow week. I start LSAT class on Saturday even though I don't know if anyone's going to cancel for the test and I'll get a spot.. that would be nice. but I'll keep you updated on what happens. keep your fingers crossed for me for luck, wouldja? thanks.

paix. (if I remember French correctly, which I probably don't.)

2005-05-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know it's been a helluva long time since I've updated, by my standards, but I've been freaked out of my mind about using this computer since it logs all your stats, etc. and I have little desire for my parents to come across this little website.

Home has been relatively low stress. Nobody's really been giving me a hard time except yesterday when my older brother and I had a fight... It started out with him jumping on the computer that I had been using and had stepped away from to go potty, and it turned into this whole schpiel about me supposedly thinking I'm better than him. But I talked to mom about it and she said that the closer I get to graduation the more like this it will be as people review their lives and finally realized that their baby sisters passed them by. I mean, I would be pissed too so I guess I should be a little more understanding. But as for me thinking I'm better than him, it's not true because we both had some of the same opportunities (if he didn't have more, with less stress) and he decided to do what he did. I had a lot of pressure on me to go this route so I pretty much went there because that's where I was being led. So.. it worked out how it worked out. Everyone has regrets in certain areas; that's just how life goes.

It's nice to know that nothing's going on immediately. I don't start the LSAT prep course with Kaplan until the 14th.. AND I WILL ALSO BE IN CLASS FOR LIKE 6 HOURS ON MY BIRTHDAY the 15th which kind of sucks. So I guess I won't be getting shit for that... that's how it always works out in my head. It hasn't been anything memorable in a good way for a long time. But I shan't complain about that anymore cuz I'm a fortunate girl in a lot of ways.

Speaking of which, I was fortunate enough to score a 3.5 GPA for the semester!!! WOOO!! I got 3 As and a C- lol.. and you guessed right if you said that C- had to be in something science-related. I guess my inclinations are in the English area, dude. Well, really, there's no "guess" about it. So law is the career for me. Summer school at Loyola starts on the 31st and is costing a shitload of money... Basically I've been ransacking my parents' pockets and will be the rest of the summer so I kinda feel guilty. Plus I have no money for Mother's Day since I loaned some to my brother and in him getting mad at me he forgot he owed me some fucking money, the jerk... So I have no clue what I will be getting my mother. It's probably going to suck. Sorry mom.. it's not that I don't love or appreciate you or anything like that.

Umm yeah I haven't been involved with anyone since I got home but family and Josh on occasion. He wants to chat and stuff, and I do too, but it just feels weird being on AIM here. Too many ppl will come up behind you and ask who you're chatting with, so I just use texting (which costs a fortune after so many IMs) or call him on the phone. *sigh* Oh well. At least we're not bf/gf so that we're forced to make the sacrifices. But we aren't and I still make them anyway. What's that say about me? *smiles sheepishly*

That's pretty much it. I wish I could still fit into my prom dresses/various formals and get dressed up just for the hell of it. No, that doesn't make me sad, just hella bored.

Might be awhile before I get back with you, so tootles and enjoy your Cinco de Mayo.

I'm officially a world class senior...

2005-04-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

...and world class citizen, but not a world class senior citizen. That blew your mind, didn't it?

I just finished my last final today which means that I'm officially a senior class member who will be graduating in May 2006. It's exciting yet scary in a wonderful, wonderful way. It's amazing how in 2002 I was just here at the crossroads of my life and waiting for something wonderful to happen. Now, with the anticipation and the attention of a toddler, I'm impatient for the next phase to begin. I guess this means I'm one step closer to becoming an adult.

Question: Is it me or do you feel a bit dumber the older you get?

How weird is that? :) I remember being 15 and 16 and believing that I could handle this all on my own and didn't need advice, that as soon as I got to college that I'd become this completely different and better person who had a ton of friends and made a long "thing" with Josh, blah blah. But turns out that here I am on the verge of 20 and I'm not that way at all--thankfully. Maybe I'm coming around, beginning to like who I've turned out to be. I love being the person that can make people laugh in the dining hall with my toilet humor even though they've had a shitty day. I love that when people want to go out they come down and knock on my door to ask what I'm wearing. I love being drunk-dialed. I love giving advice.

Who am I kidding: I fucking love people.

So.. the end of the year's here and this might just be nostalgia coupled with some indigestion from grease sponges I consumed at Wendy's a little while ago in the form of a chicken sandwich. No matter. Right now I feel like spreading a little bit of cheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josh has been bugging me to come out there and see him since I'd mentioned that me and the girls planned to do a little mid-day drinking session here in my room. He even offered to get plastered with me if I came out here, which you may or may not know he never does due to his claim that drinking makes him full before he can ever get drunk. Now, I dont' claim that he's full of shit, but I've personally seen women half his size/weight down 5 drinks, and I myself (being a lightweight) can usually do 4 and only have a nice buzz. Anyways.. I told him I'd rather not drink at his house; I'm pretty damned loud when inebriated hehe. He persisted and offered to take me to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, his treat. He apparently misses me or something and just wants to say goodbye.. for like the 3rd time.

It's not that I don't miss him too, but at what point is this breakup a breakup? When are we going to acknowledge that we are no longer together, and no amount of doing it will bridge the gap that's formed? Part of me wants to go out cuz I know I could be feeling like that, but the other part just knows that going out there=going back in. Last time I was there I was sad and wanting the affection but I just didn't feel he was all there. And now he wants it and I dunno what I should do. So right now I'm just taking time to think about it. We'll see what happens.

2005-04-25T14:09:00.000-05:00

Things from the college experience that I haven't gotten to do yet but still will do before I'm out of this bitch:

1. Go drinking in Canada: I'm going to graduate and still be under 21, so why the hell not? But then again, it's not like I can't get liquored up here at someone's house party without even knowing them. That's why the college experience is so great.

2. Go to a Michigan Wolverines football game: I still haven't set foot inside the "Big House", and if I remember correctly that was one of the major reasons why I wanted to come here--besides the ex-boy of course. I should become the quintessential fan. That would shock everyone, even me.

3. Pull an all-nighter studying for an exam: Perhaps it's a testament to what kind of student I really am, but I have yet to do this. And I kind of feel guilty when I see others doing it when I'm not. Last night I studied from 2-4:30am and stayed up another hour after that, but that doesn't count. Perhaps if I had started this list earlier my gpa would have looked a bit better.

4. Go on a road trip: I either haven't had enough friends/time/transportation to do this at any one time. And maybe even if I had, my completely overbearing parents wouldn't have let me go, I'm sure. But I'll give them the b of the d--I am a lying little pischer. If I were them I would think I was going out to bang some guy too.

5. Hook up with some guy on a night out: Keep in mind, you slut-bashers, that hooking up does not entail sex. Hooking up can just be spending the whole night making out with someone I don't/barely know. And at this point in my life, that just sounds like a lot of fun.

6. Go on a date while in school: People are poor, but so what? A guy can scrape together $30 to take me to Potbelly's and a movie. And he would still get change back. What more could you ask for? Oh, well.. maybe a kiss goodnight would be in order.

I haven't felt restrained from doing all this, but I still want to. I want to milk as much as I can from this $120k experience that has earned me respect and also cost me much parental heartache (naturally).

I want to live and be free. Maybe this is echoing fleecey's post, but I can't wait for the freedom that people in relationships kinda take for granted. Yeah, being alone is sometimes lonely, but if you spend that time getting to know yourself and surrounding you with all kinds of kickass experiences, are you really worse off for being alone? Is it better to fester and rot in a relationship full of resentment just so you can theoretically have someone to kiss underneath the mistletoe on X-mas?

(the answer I'm looking for here is "NO".)

So newly-single life definitely has its ups and downs. But right now it's looking crazy good.

Don't flatter yourself; it never was about you.

2005-04-23T07:10:00.000-05:00

I want to own up to my own problems so I can move on most of the time, but the problem is I don't have enough self confidence to do that on my own. Self confidence in independence has been my problem for so long that I can't even see problems or challenges from any other direction except, I'm not enough; I need someone who is to be enough for me.

It's not that I want to blame someone else for my personal battles--or maybe it is. Since I was little, it's been terribly easy to base my self-rejuvination and growth off the idea that someone else was/is unjustly persecuting me. According to me, somehow, every time and in every situation I'd received the short end of the stick. But that's just not true.

Even now I'm tempted to simply envy those who are able to work things out on their own. I want to think that I'm not cut from the same cloth as they, that somehow by virtue of being black, and a woman, and maybe even bisexual that my personal victimization has withered my resolve. I used to have pride in me. Now I just eat to escape personal feelings of inadequacy and consequently feel lonesome, that no one's attracted to me. I sleep with a guy because I'm lonely whether or not he cuddles me tightly enough and say the words I want to hear. I wondered why our closeness was never close enough, or my pretty was never pretty enough, or my smart was never smart enough. It was always me.

Whether I am attractive or not, or lonely or not, or even smart enough, needs to make little difference in my world now. I want to be a woman who can be me. I want to be Laura without buttresses of men and endless questing for validation to make myself whole. I want to rediscover the woman I've been since the beginning, cut through the laziness I've gotten used to and flex the muscles that have atrophied. I can and will do this--not because anyone's forcing me to, or because I've reached the end of my rope. This is a choice because I am going to love myself. I am not a bad person, and even if I were it wouldn't matter. I know I'm a worthwhile person or there wouldn't be anything positive going on in my life to date. Shit, even axe murderers have people who care what happens to them. I'm a good, caring, loving, wise, intelligent person who's been coasting on mere natural ability until now and have yet to unleash my true prowess on these bitches--and myself. I've yet to know how deep and wonderful the woman Laura really is. Part of me is very much afraid of me, and the other part's hella lazy, making it easier for the first part to win out. But I refuse to be a mere slave to feelings. Intellectually, sexually, emotionally, I will be the most provocative and revolutionary person I have ever been.

I don't need you to fill my world--I need no one for that. If you're in it you're making more interesting scenery. If you want to leave I don't want to stop you. But I want enhancements, not restrictions. I'm going to continue to pluck the weeds and make room for the beauty of self-gardening. I not only can do this, but I will.

It begins today, with me.

2005-04-22T19:33:00.000-05:00

I dont know what my problem has been with sitting down for hours at a time lately. Perhaps it's the allure of starting something new come the end of next week that has me feeling so flighty about writing anything. I've been blowing hours of time doing absolutely nothing productive and it's felt amazing so far...

And I've been dealing with my feelings for Josh and other men... I have the desire to not think about us right now. We spent last night together yet again because I have little willpower especially when it comes to thinking about being alone, and part of me is just not willing to let that be over with us. I'm such a fucking idiot too because while Josh hasn't been mean or anything like that he's made it painfully clear that he plans to move on and fuck other women without the trouble of a committed relationship. Surprise surprise, that hurts me. And when I woke up this morning with that on my mind all I wanted to do was leave. We showered together and then I left feeling better but still wanting to get the hell out. I wish I could see life through "fuckitall" glasses when it comes to him and me. I know that the memories are worth the crappy feelings but the crappy feelings certainly feel crappy.

I want to meet a string of really nice guys who just want to hang out without thinking about the possibility of relationships. I want to chat with them about male-female relationships and get drunk and make out with them and talk about sex without getting feelings tangled up in that shit. I want to go out and party and not worry about feeling lonely or sad or unsexy, etc. It would only take like 3 guys to make that happen too. I should join a group where lots of people hang out or something.

Can't wait for my friends/associates to come home this summer so we can blow this fascist popsicle stand. It's gonna be one hell of a summer full of drinking and much debauchery; I'm promising myself. No more committed relationships for at least the next few years. I want to be sure this one's out of my system.

I need to either sew my vagina shut or disconnect its wires to my heart in order to make it through life. It'll probably end up as the latter. Not that I'll be a slut, but you get the idea. Mothers, lock up your sons cuz Laura's back on the market and it's looking like one hell of a sale to me.

Peace out and leave love to professionals: celebrities!

2005-04-19T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be cramming for a lab final in three hours but I can't bring myself to settle down long enough with any one thing... I'm the flutter a butterfly's wing, or a breath of misty fog that dissipates into nothingness on February mornings. I'm a flicker of hope and that dream from last night that was so hella weird you can't really remember.. except for when you tripped that old lady as you were getting on the bus.

Mmhmm, I had a final earlier this morning and my brain is fried. It's a shame, too, cuz I'll be needing every mental faculty member present for my lab final tonight (oh yes, that pun was intended).

Umm.. I am a bit horny. And I'm checking out girls semi-consciously which weirds me out a helluva lot. I catch myself looking at them inappropriately and then feel shitty. And sometimes I wonder if "BISEXUAL" is written on my forehead when they look back at me. Is this wrong? For heaven's sake, is this normal? I really do like men but women are so hott sometimes, especially now that it's warmer and the tank tops and capris are coming back out of the closet (yet another pun--who's witty today?) and boobs are just so damned visible. I think I need help.

Make me promise not to go to Josh's this weekend just to get some. Because that would definitely not be productive.

Maybe things will fall into place once I regain sanity. Sorry, that won't be until after finals this week and next.

That is all.

2005-04-10T22:59:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling slightly crappy, plus it's nighttime, so I obviously feel the need to consume something. But part of getting out of the habit of medicating myself with food is identifying between when I'm hungry and when I need something else.

Yeah, it's always something, but this blog is a place for catharsis. It's for the things that I'm loathe to tell everyone else. And I'm telling myself that it's okay to use this as a place to bitch and moan--better here than in real life.

I asked Josh a question on whether or not he wanted me to take him home after the concert on Thursday night--a yes or no question--and he's like, "whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer, whatever you prefer".. I wanted to fucking slit his throat. I hate it when you know people have a preference and they won't say anything because they don't want to make you upset or mad or anything, blah blah. And it definitely ends up making me madder when I narrow things down to a simple choice and people still can't decide. Ugh. Super frustrating.

Anyways, I have three papers due this week and the concert on Thursday which is gonna get in the way of my paper due Friday, and since I have to be out all day between picking Josh up, swinging over to the concert and taking him back home then coming home myself, there won't be any time to do it Thursday night cuz I'm sure I'll be exhausted. So I need to get my ass in gear and have everything completed by Wednesday before RA class so I don't have to be up all night before work Thursday morning. What a crazy week this is gonna be.

I tried going running with two girls from the hall who are way more physically fit than I am, they both being size 4 and 7 and me being fat as hell at a size 14/16 or whatever I am.. They ran around about 10 times and I couldn't make it one time around a two-block track. I was coughing and wheezing like a smoker and felt so awful I wanted to hide beneath a rock in shame. I guess I need loads more practice before I'm able to go running like all the people around here do.

I'm kind of looking forward to going home and being alone at some points... I'm just not feeling really good about school and being here in MI. I wonder if I'll be as lonesome for campus as I usually am during summers.. We'll see. And this summer I'm definitely not wasting my time with scumbags who like to stand people up.. If I date at all it'll be a miracle, lol. That was definitely a bitter laugh.

I feel bitter about love sometimes... Is it ever really enough to make even the toughest relationships worth sticking around for? Do you stay and get your dreams crushed over and over again because you love someone so much that you want to be there every waking moment of his life--and maybe sleeping ones too? What the hell makes it all worth it? I just don't know. I mean, I thought that Josh and I would end up together and it turns out that all the stuff that's happened between us has made me feel hopeless about the directions life can take. Although they don't teach it to you in school, life changes people no matter how close they may think they are to each other.

Argh.

So frustrated. There'll be more later this week.

running through my thoughts this weekend...

2005-04-09T22:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been awhile and things have been interesting.

This week's been pretty simple and I've been avoiding studying. Last night (Friday night) I went out with a girl from my hall to a party that these Puerto Rican guys were throwing.. they were really hott and I pre drank and then had a little there so my uptightness was gone by the time the music started.. it was good. Two creepy guys though: one grabbed my boob and the other came up on me while I was dancing with another guy and sandwiched me between them.. weird. And then two of the girls I was with went home and slept with some guys they just met there at the party--disgusting. And they both have bfs..

It was nice to dance with people, but I do'nt like going out and not feeling attractive for whatever reason. I wish that I got the motivation to do something instead of just constantly bitching about being fat and unattractive. But whatever right now. Also, I've learned that I'm attracted to black men but I'm scared that I could never really be what they're looking for in a black woman because of stereotypes they have about us. It's not that I'm looking for someone to be with, I'm just noticing that even though I feel initially attracted to a guy I can't forsee being with them and I just end up scared.

And then I think of Josh and end up feeling sad. I think about all the good memories that we got to make together.. I guess that those are things that my mind's tried to ignore for so long in order to not make me feel sad. I won't rehash them or I'll cry or something.

Umm.. so anyway I bought a shirt and three pairs of flip flops that would have made me feel good except that on the way home this car full of guys stopped the girl I was shopping with and "congratulated" her on "looking so beautiful". I need to quit being so jealous. But ah well, I'll live.

I wanted to go out and get drunk tonight just to relax, but nobody knows of any parties that were going on tonight so I just went out to dinner and came home and stayed in. It's not so bad now that the night is over. I survived and will continue to do so. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks.

I wish summer would hurry up and come.

2005-04-06T02:20:00.000-05:00

Yet another beautiful summerlike day in early April.. I mean it brought out the topless guys with pecks and abs you could scrub laundry on.. so hott.. But anyway, I did enjoy the sunshine and the mild breeze that blew across the diag. I even phoned both my parents while they were at work and chatted them up a bit, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Well, emotionally I might not be so fine.. There's always something, you know? This time it's more self-consciousness about my body. I always notice things that other people can't probably even fathom, but maybe that's just due to me not really liking myself very much. I never have. One day I'll take some initiative and get off my ass and make some changes. That will probably be later sometime in May, I'm thinking. :)

I started a new blog where nobody knows me really, and it's nice to have that anonymity. Not sure if I'm even giving out the information for that one since it's so hard to get privacy back once I've given it away. So I'll post on here until I get tired of doing that. Oh, and I'm also keeping my paper journal these days as well, so there's just a lot of cathartic writing going on which is helping me out somewhat.

To be honest, I feel alright about the breakup mostly during the week.. I don't feel like less of a person like I thought I would without knowing that Josh was there to cuddle with and exchange words of love with, etc. We chat sporadically but there are long silences.. and that's not necessarily uncomfortable since we never talked very much anyway. I guess that was a blessing in disguise. And maybe it's good that we didnt' see each other very often cuz now I don't feel the pangs of withdrawal so much. Weeks just feel like normal weeks and now nights have evened out to normal nights. I don't feel lonely in bed and I'm far from cold. So maybe that means things will be alright in the end. Not that I'm completely over everything, but it's better than it was, say, last week. Honestly I think it'll get easier with time, and that's a good thing (right, Martha?) hehe.

So umm.. that's pretty much it. Love you guys.

more of the same old blah

2005-04-04T17:36:00.000-05:00

Ok so.. I have been being stupid and just like a boy have been masturbating to erotic stories while my roommate is asleep (so it's not like she could see something dirty on my monitor), but thing is I'm not sure if she sees me when she tosses and turns... not sure. It's really embarrassing and I had to get it off my chest before I exploded so thanks for listening and not being too weirded out.

And thanks again for reading further. Nothing interesting going on other than that. I paid $60 worth of parking tickets so my mom's name would be cleared and the police couldn't arrest one of us. They can put out a warrant for your arrest after 4 tickets. So umm.. yeah.

I've been looking at more LGBT websites to find support groups for bisexual females.. There are a lot of girls/women who feel this way, I think, only they won't call it that unless they're having sex. I am not having sex with women at this point (and I doubt I ever could, in real life since I'm so damned sexually repressed) but that I'm sexually attracted to other women is one of the definitions of bisexuality. I still can't fathom an actual relationship with them.

Yes I know I continue to say the same thing in every post but it's at the forefront of my mind.

I've been feeling sad a lot lately, down... It's to be expected of course after last week. It's been a week since I've been with Josh and I'm angry at him for being so darn addictive so I'm being a tad mean to prove to myself that I can get along without him. Sometimes I wish he'd just stop reading my journals or talking to me so I could tune him out, but that idea is preposterous for two reasons: I dont want him to stop talking to me (maybe not so often, but not stopping altogether) and I could never tune him out completely. Argh. Snap out of it, Laura.

I'm gonna go to sleep for a while I guess cuz WQ dinner sucks tonight. Do something to cheer me up.

Oh plus I dyed my hair lighter reddish brown on Friday night... pictures forthcoming.

2005-03-30T23:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a really beautiful day for the simple fact that it included sunshine and flip flops on March 30th. People of all ages shed their black clothes for bright ones and the color palette once again included hot pink, frog green, and the yellow of a chick's down. It was nice.

I kept my mind on other things than the breakup and it seemed to go alright until in my more silent moments.. I did a lot of class and chatting with people about different things. This one girl actually came to me about a serious problem and I was able to provide her with good counsel, which made me feel good about myself.. I really like doing that. And now she's alright, which makes me even happier for her. Then I went to read the articles for RA class. One was a personal account of a black female lesbian which went into some detail about her experience with finding out she was a lesbian at an HBCU. She wasn't well accepted (duh, the Black community is notoriously heinous when it comes to the idea of homosexuality. there's very little tolerance for it) and her personal space was trashed by her own roommate. It was a little disconcerting to read, but what stuck with me even more was the way she described her experience with finding her lover whose name (in the story) was Love. She talked about the things they did together (I came across the word "nipples" and the word "pussy" appeared twice) in such a provocative way. Maybe I was a little turned on, but I think it was more a little weirded out mainly. I still am not sure where I fit in with the whole thing.. I know I am definitely very attracted to men, but the idea of an encounter like that is exciting. It's so hard to sort out my feelings about it into neat little packages.

And it gets more difficult when it comes to placing myself into a category around my peers. I assume all of them are straight because when we've done exercises that have asked us to identify that's where they've all gone.. I dunno if I'm the only one who's been conflicted about that labelling rather recently (cuz until then I've kept my attraction to women as my dirty little sexual secret) and I don't want them to know and judge me negatively or as some token since I'm a minority in three respects now.. Geez society is so needlessly complicated.

I'm a little lonely and remembering what it was like to come home and chat with Josh daily about how our days were and send little love notes was so nice. I don't know what will ever take the place of that in my life.. It is comforting to know that my family cares about me a great deal, and my friends would never let me forget that there are people I'm not related to who care about me. I couldn't be more thankful for that and I'll take every chance I get to remind myself of that fact so that I don't get down in the dumps again. Cuz this summer is gonna be busy with no time for moping. If I'm alone I will definitely make it okay.

And masturbation is going to come in extremely handy--pun intended. ;-)

I gotta go do some more homework, so later.

2005-03-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

I feel like throwing up.. my roommate was watching this show about plastic surgery and how it changed this girl's life on MTV.. I wish she wouldn't watch crap like that.. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me or my life but it just makes me feel shitty to find out how great ppls lives are after they get work done. It makes me feel like no matter what how nice you look naturally you still need work done to be perfect and you're never good enough.

But that's just me ranting.

Anyway, I said goodbye to my romantic relationship with Josh for the sixth and final time (I dunno if that count is accurate at all) and I feel like throwing up. I wanted to cry a little earlier but instead I went outside and wrote some stuff down until I felt better.. then I basically tried to keep myself occupied until I could calm down. Now I just feel like going to bed and sleeping until late tomorrow and not really caring about anything but that of course is impossible. I still have to put forth effort in my studies so that at the end of the year, when I'm in the mood to care, I can actually show that this year was useful. I doubt I'll get a good grade out of the lab that I have work due for, but ah well.

I don't feel like killing myself, but I do feel sad. And to be honest I really didn't expect to feel that way. Josh still wants to chat and everything but I don't want to.. not because I do'nt want to be friends but I don't want to end up back in a stagnating relationship because that's not enough for me. It's time to move into life's next phase. And so I'm gonna do that by taking an hour or so nap. Later.

2005-03-29T09:40:00.000-05:00

buy me this. that is all.

Spring has arrived

2005-03-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

As the coldness of winter melts to a leukwarm late March spring, the smell of the grass and the way the sun spreads warm honey over everything it touches makes my heart ache for summer. There's limitless possibility in this, the moment before summer's kiss, when your heart's tempo is set to excited expectation. I kind of miss the uncertainty and the heat, and the way everyone shucks layer after hopeless layer of dead skin from their souls and starts fresh.

I want to be free for summer, free to focus on what needs to be done for the next phase of my life. Right now I'm like stagnant, tepid water just waiting things out, and I know that this will be over soon. And then the time will come when I'll have to decide where to live, what to do, who to trust and where to go for the next three years in one moment. It'll all work out though.

~~~~

I spent the first half of this weekend hanging out at home, not doing much of anything. Late Saturday night I drove out to Josh's to spend the night and spend Easter with him and his family. It ended up being fun and I felt I looked kind of foxxy, but who knows. My shoes were awesome despite the ankle strap that I was wearing tightly enough that it wouldn't fall off. But it all worked out, you know? Anywho... I think Josh's friends are over at his house tonight, which is weird considering I just left him, and I'm tempted to say something... but I don't know what to say or how to think.
I spent time talking with some friends about our relationship and one mentioned that every time I talked about him I seemed sad. I didn't know that, but maybe there is some truth to it. I do spend much of my time wishing for something more and it's unfair to him to be consistently and constantly unhappy when there's nothing to be done in the long run. My friend also said that I might just be holding on to a relationship that provides me comfort despite the fact that either of or both of us might have grown apart from one another. And I was like, whoa, that's insightful. But I don't know what to say or how to feel. My world is always self-complicated.

My RA class is having an assignment where we wear a gay ally button and see if people comment on it and what they say. This comes after I've had the conversation with my facilitator David about being bisexual.. ironically enough this was scheduled into the syllabus long before our conversation, or so he said. I find it really odd. But anyway, I wear rainbow stuff all the time cuz I like rainbow.. I never thought it might affiliate me with the LGBT community.. weird. Anyways, we'll see how it goes on Wednesday. Believe me, if I am bisexual, I have no intention of telling my fellow RAs, no matter how nice they are about it, cuz I'm toooootally still in the closet.

Guess that's it. Wish me luck with the rest of this week; it's jam-packed with lots of fun scheduled for the next few days. Later.

2005-03-24T01:57:00.000-05:00

Dunno what to say to you guys lately.. Lots of stuff has been going on internally, but to the outside world all I've been is sound and fury with no substance. I suppose that's how they see me most of the time anyway, though.

I've had lots of meetings for the RA class and also some regarding my recent incident with the suicide contemplation/attempt and also LGBT issues. I suppose that it's all been making me crazy and I'm feeling totally marginalized even more as a black woman who's now considering whether or not she's bi? I mean, damn, do I need anymore discrimination? I think not.

Anyway, I thought I was alone in thinking that sexuality is fluid and changes as you get older, but it turns out that several people have said the exact same thing to me over the past few days. Wow. How does stuff like that happen? I just dunno. But anyways, besides questioning, I've also been doing a little sleuthing on LGBT informational websites. I thought most of this stuff was a load of crap, but then maybe I was forcing myself into the little box marked, "Laura" that I'd made for myself so many years ago. Gay people are cool, though. Most of the time they don't rub your own stupidity in your face like a lot of 'hetero's do.

I just want to be alone for a little while, actually, but I know this is the only time I'll get to be independent before I go home and back to the parental rules that restrain me so much. Ah well. And another big minus is that this is the last month that I can see Josh, and I can't even see him this coming weekend cuz I got shit to do. I find myself wishing things were different for us both.. maybe there's a little resentment there... I just feel so bad expressing it because I know he does want to be with me and maybe we're having the same types of problems, but i just get so upset at thinking I'm graduating in a year and if all goes as planned we'll be back where we started with me back in IL and him here in MI. I wish he had finished and gotten a job, or a car, or a place, or all those adult things we're supposed to do when we get older. I haven't done them yet but I do feel like I've stretched myself to the limit for "us", you know?

I am such a complainer about Josh. It feels like with me there's always something wrong. *shakes her head at herself*

Anyways, umm.. I should have been in bed hours ago because I have to start work tomorrow morning bright and early at 8am. But I do get to sleep naked cuz my roommate's gone for the weekend. YAY naked sleeping!! So that's pretty much it. I'm out.

2005-03-21T08:57:00.000-05:00

*sigh* This weekend was blissfully unproductive, for the most part, which is what I was seeking from it. I went to the meeting for my RA class project and since this one girl has the wonderful gift of inability to stay on task for longer than 5 minutes at a time, our meeting lasted about and hour and a half. We met at 7, though, which meant I was on the bus stop alone at night in the cold before I got out to see Josh. He and I ate, then made love and cuddled, then fell asleep. He napped with me a while then got up to play poker and stuff until he felt sleepy again and came back to bed. It was nice enough to give me unmemorable dreams, which is a good thing.

Saturday he had to work so I spent some time with his mom, aunts, and cousins. His cousins (more like his second cousins or something) are about 8 and 6 or so and they were out shopping in celebration of the oldest one's birthday. They absolutely hate to shop, though, so it was like pulling teeth to get them to try on stuff at the stores. It was quite adorable, though, and I ended up being embarrassed by Josh's mom who insisted that I had to leave at 3 to "see [my] honey". I wanted to sink into the floor at that comment. Oh boy. But I did have the best chai latte at Panera bread.. omg guys you must taste it--it's incredible.

Anyways I'm back here now and chilling/preparing for the hellish next few days to come. Got both a paper and the RA project due Wednesday, which is approaching more quickly than I imagined. Ah well; I'm sure it'll all work out.

I need to develop more drive, and I will begin to push myself harder in order to accomplish the things that need to be done. Starting with going to the gym, and including talking to my GSI about getting a C in orgo II lab. Send your determination vibes this way, thanks.

P.S. My roommate is a sweet girl, but she sets her alarm impossibly early (for her.. around 8am) and doesn't wake up until the alarm is going nuts.. then she presses the snooze button like 10 times (not an exaggeration, seriously!) until I want to strangle her with the cord and gag her with the alarm clock. The purpose of having an alarm clock is so you can wake up when it alarms. If you can't do that, then I dunno what to tell you... It certainly is annoying.

I'm sure one of the "Massa"s had Irish blood...

2005-03-17T12:52:00.000-05:00

...so kiss me anyway cuz I'm probably Irish. To ward off those with fingers that itch to pinch, I decided to wear green. Bonus: it's my favorite color.

Funny thing about college is you see kids who normally wouldn't get up at 6am barring a final exam or, say, the apocalypse, stumbling about completely plastered from "kegs 'n' eggs". I mean, on my way to linguistics this morning I actually encountered some of my inebriated fellow schoolmates screaming across the diag and galavanting about in their green hats, green shirts, green pants, and shamrock leis at 10am!! It was a bit unsettling, but hey--whatever makes you happy, right?

I don't have anyplace to go this St. Patty's Day, so I'll be the designated driver. Maybe if you're good I'll also hold your hair back while you earl. But that may change, so if you call and I don't answer, just hike up that skirt a bit higher and stick out your thumb.

I'm off to more class meanwhile, though, so smell ya later and Slainte!

lovely scenario

2005-03-16T03:21:00.000-05:00

I'd ring him up at his apartment and he'd buzz me in, waiting in the hall at the door of his place. He'd smile and close the door behind me and I would remove my coat and shoes, placing both by the door. We'd instinctively go to his room where he'd minimize the windows on his computer screen and I'd recline on his bed. Stretching out on the places where he lies nightly, I'd cuddle his pillow close and smell his hair and skin and feel a sense of calm and peace wrap me in warmth. He'd join me in bed, lying down beside me and extracting the pillow from my grasp. We would lie there, quietly, thinking about anything and everything until I'd cuddle close to him, smelling the masculine sweetness of his skin. As he pulled me close he would let out a sigh of satisfaction and lean closer to smell my hair, as usual. Feeling his breath tickle my scalp would set me off into a fit of giggles and I'd writhe in his arms until he kissed my forehead, making me raise my chin to allow for some of that attention to reach my lips. He'd kiss my nose, both cheeks and my chin and deny my lips that supreme pleasure just for fun/torture, and while I'd pout he would laugh, calling me a "silly girl". Finally, just as my exasperation convinced me to turn my back to him, he'd pull me back to face him and kiss me softly, briefly so I would want more. He'd know that such a kiss was only a tease. Once he had me begging for the feel of his soft lips against mine once more, he'd appease me with a deep, searching kiss that would call each nerve to attention. As I'd slide my hands over the scruffiness of his beard to tangle my fingers in his hair, he'd pull me even closer against him. He would break our kiss, to my reluctance, and arrange the blankets over us. When he returned to lie down beside me once more, I'd kiss his chin and cheeks and put my arms around him. By that time, though, he'd be ready for more than cuddling, so we'd make love without reserve, a little insensitive to the people upstairs...I'd have my arms around him, holding him close to me as possible, wanting to have him even closer than the physical limits our bodies allow. But he would have his face buried in my neck as he whispered to me, bringing me ever closer to our completion. I would tell him each way he overwhelmes my senses and, gasping for breath, tell him how much I love him. And I would open my eyes to see the look of pure elation on his face, that look that I just love. It's the one I always tell him about. When we finished we would rest, side by side, maybe holding hands in love's afterglow. And after we cooled down we'd take a nap in each other's arms, wearing nothing but our shirts. :) I sincerely hope that happens this weekend. I love you Josh

2005-03-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

It wasn't quite hardcore studying last night, but it did involve me being outside after 11.. which I never do unless partying is involved, hehe.. Alright, I hope I ace this test which will be here in 4 hours and 15 minutes.. wish me luck!!

2005-03-14T01:17:00.000-05:00

So fighting urges to let new people in on the sideshow that is my life.. but I've defintely learned that that only leads to heartache and me stifling my true feelings.

Anyways, today was kinda nice. I always enjoy days when I can get into my RA class with all the awesome people they've chosen. It's funny that I can relate to all of them on some level and we all get along. There's never before been a group of people among which there's no bad dynamic or failure to get along, and you can't know just how awesome that is unless you experience it for yourself.

Hmm.. I didn't do anything else this weekend but hang out and work earlier in the afternoon. Work wasn't hard or anything, and I actually helped out a few nice people and got to knock off early, yay. I offered to drive out to Josh's for the night but he would prefer not to see me again until Saturday or something, I'm guessing because he says he wants us to spend an entire day together. I'm personally of the opinion that any time spent together is precious and it sucks that he doesn't want to see me tonight.. But whatever. I mean, if I tried to punish him by not coming out this weekend it'd only end up being punishment for myself, so I'll just let it go. Stress should be saved for the upcoming law school apps, hehe.

I withdrew from orgo II but I still have to study for the lab exam on Tuesday night. It'll be a huge load off my shoulders once it's over, assuming I do well on it. Still don't know what to study, but that shouldn't be a problem if I go to the SLC sometime before then. It'll get handled somehow, I'm sure. Plus I have a paper for Eng 401 and a group project for Psych 405 both due on the 23, which blows goats, man. It'll all get handled, though. And with minimal stress because that's the kind of girl I am this week.

hehe.

2005-03-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

Last night was well on its way to turning into a sob fest. I had myself all worked up due to the early-morning rising and shitload of stuff I had to do yesterday. Josh and I had planned to see each other later that night as well, but I was so tired out that I just couldn't get myself to go get the car and drive all the way out there for the evening. So I decided (after much mind-changing) to stay here in A^2 for the weekend.

Olivia had invited me to go with her, her cousin and her friends to this Latino frat by Geddes and I wasn't going to at first.. I had even called and told her I wouldn't go, but then finally I changed my mind. It was pretty difficult to get myself in the mood to party cuz I was in self-pity mode and nothing looked right on me.. Blah blah. But I put on my game face and sucked it up.. we went with some freshmen (who couldnt hold their liquor, as we later discovered) but we had a good time. I got to dance for the first time in a long time in a nonthreatening environment. It was great to be unconcerned about how I looked to others, but I think that liquor had something to do with the shedding of my inhibitions. They had beer there--really cheap disgusting beer, and also jungle juice which was totally and completely awesome. I danced with some nice guys but mostly by myself.. it was good. And even though my roommate got a little drunk along with her friend and the freshmen peed on themselves (and one actually went behind a dumpster and peed in the snow, lol), and my feet are blistered today from walking about 2 miles home in the snow in high heels with no socks, I still had hella fun. Somehow it didn't matter that I was fat or not doing so well in school or had no money. It was just fun to dance and not care. I still have the desire to get drunk again tonight, but that's probably not gonna happen. Anywho... I'm grateful to them for inviting me. It's been a long time since I've gone out with my age group and had a good time, and that was sorely needed.

I'm working tomorrow but I also have to go to this thing for RA class at 6, which reminds me.. I totally have to pick up the boombox out of my car (hopefully it still works) to take there tomorrow. Don't let me forget. Have a great night all and a good tomorrow. Later!

2005-03-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

For my own sake, I wish I had stuff of more substance to say. These days it seems like I'm just shadows and air instead of the real deal. I've been cutting people off with every thought and speaking way before I let myself process information. At times I'm aware of this so I'm able to cut down on it but most of the time that split second between thought and speech is just that--a split second. So if I've interrupted you mid-sentence, forgive me.

I'm working on the whole law school business these days, i.e. investigating online viewbooks and trying to find a school that would be a good fit for me. While I value the experience I've had at UM, I don't think that this was exactly a good fit. Perhaps I could have been better off somewhere else, but it's a little late for could'ves, as Homer Simpson would say.
The requirements for continuing education at other institutions are extremely demanding. Many of the colleges I've researched claim that, on average, the students they attract have GPAs of approximately 3.7. Can you believe that? That leaves me to wonder if there really are students with GPAs more like mine, in the 2.9-3.0 range. Do they exist or do they just drop out of college and go into the workforce directly out of school? And it makes me feel that perhaps I haven't made the most of my college career by being lazy, not proactive. I dunno.

At any rate, I'd like to go somewhere in IL to cut down on costs somewhat, and that leaves the problem of what will happen between Josh and me. But I've said that already, right? So I'll move on.

In non-complaining news, this week hasn't been that difficult. I can only remember a few specific instances where I've felt unhappy, namely after my prelaw advising session, when I considered dropping orgo II, and feeling fat (but that's always there, nagging at me). But both those things are pretty small-scale. I've got dinner planned with a kid from staff class tonight which I'm looking forward to, and afterwards I'm going to sleep the evening away. All in all, it should turn into a pretty decent weekend.

Don't dismay; I'll keep you posted if anything good happens. Au revoir les enfants!

2005-03-07T21:43:00.000-05:00

So I lied.. this post is being made from my school computer cuz I didn't write at all while I was at home due to laziness. So sue me. But you can't cuz you love me soooo much.

I've been thinking a lot about graduations since I'll be hearing about/attending two this summer.. one will be Josh A who's graduating from USC and going to grad school right after, and the other is my mom who's finally getting her master's degree in education. It's cool and I'm happy for both of them.. Can't wait until it's my turn to do that kind of stuff, man.

I should be researching the LSAT and law schools since that's where I intend to go after this undergrad thing. I'm gonna owe hella money for school, that's for sure. I don't really have any place I'd rather be.. perhaps in state IL would save me money, but I don't want to live with the 'rents... I don't know if Josh is going to move down to be with me.. it doesn't really seem like that kind of thing is even feasible at this point. I was over his place last night and noticed that he wanted to contact EMU or something, which could mean that he's making plans to get back in school and acually finish.. At this point I think I've passed him up though, but if he makes a comeback and starts in the summer he could actually pull it off by the time I graduate.. That's really doubtful though. It's hard to find the classes you want/need to take in the summer, don't I know it. Anyway... Part of me knows we'll just end up going our separate ways and I dunno why I'm prolonging the pain.. it's going to happen. But I won't bring myself down with negativity.

My roommate has locked herself out yet again *sigh* I wish she would just clip the keys to her bag or something. Ah well.

Oh, btw, I clipped a fringe while I was at home, or rather my mom cut it for me.. it was weird seeing my hair fall off like that.. it's now about 4 inches long or so, hanging demurely in my eyes and blowing all around in the Michigan wind. It's great and ppl were looking at me alot today which made me feel kinda nice.

So umm.. ttyl then. Peace out.

2005-03-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

I've spent the day doing absolutely nothing and it's been wonderful. Well actually, I did my hair and considered cutting bangs. I'm a person who loves diy projects, but I guess that it is an endeavor best left to professionals (plus I have no desire to look stupid).
Mom and I are fighting about me coming home for spring break. I don't really feel like driving all the way back to Chicago because I was just there last weekend and will end up turning right around and driving back here in terrible weather. It's so annoying, but in the interest of keeping peace between us I agreed to her rules. So it looks like I'm heading home tomorrow morning, bad weather or no.
The sad thing is that Chicago reminds me of Joe and I don't want to think about him, the asshole jerk. I guess it makes me think of my own stupidity in the past as well, but there's no sense in letting some dumbass boy ruin my feelings for my hometown. So screw it; I'll suck it up and try to have a little fun. We'll see what happens.
I don't have shit else to say, really. Don't want to let depression creep in for no reason so I'll say goodnight. The next post will most likely be made on my home comp. Later.

2005-02-28T19:36:00.000-05:00

It's Spring Break and I decided to take Monday to make some extra cash, which was cool. Naturally I had a lot of free time on my hands (8 hours to be exact) so I decided to write my thoughts down on paper, which is something I've been toying with on and off since July... I read my writing and realized just how different I've become.. I really miss the intimacy that exists between a pen and a naked page, and maybe I should go back to expressing myself there. I'm not going to stop writing online, but probably the majority of stuff will go on on paper. I just like it so much. :)

Going home for the rest of break, got no plans for anything, really.. If you'll be in the Chicagoland area and want to hang out, im me at violetfemme02 on aol. Later.

2005-02-24T00:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can listen to music and be completely transported by it. I let it take my whole being away from where I am and fly with it, or explore the depths of deep blue water, or dance in the middle of fire.. stuff like that. Right now I'm listening to Coldplay's Warning Sign and I just feel like swimming and not stopping.

Someone just called me a complex woman. I dunno how they get that when I feel so damned transparent I can't look people in the eyes during a conversation. It's strange. I suppose there are quite a few interesting things about me, but mainly I'm searching for tenderness and acceptance because in all the ways I've grown, I haven't really learned how to accept myself.

I'm a liar, but I still have the tendency to reveal stuff--true stuff--about me to pretty much everyone I meet. Sometimes it would be nice not to reveal so much and retain some of my mystery, but ah well. Dunno if that's possible the way I'm set in my ways now...

I'm staying a bit longer over Spring Break in order to tie up some loose ends around campus and get some extra hours at work which I desperately need to make some cash. That will help me out.

Anyway, maybe I'll also have some time to spend with Josh.. We haven't seen each other in what will be two weeks by the time we see each other again, so it should be a lot of fun to spend time with him. We'll see.

Before I go, I just wanna tell you about this neat kid that I've met through staff class. His name is Brian and he's very idiosyncratic and fun, and we make many a sex joke together. I don't have any feelings for him or anything but I do enjoy his company a great deal. I hope we can spend more time together; it just might be a new friendship.

Later.

2005-02-23T00:43:00.000-05:00

I like the way lotion makes my skin feel soft and smooth. I like rainy days when I'm indoors. I like cuddling after making love. I like being petted. I like sleeping in. I like eating in front of the tv. I like Diet Pepsi. I like shopping. I like buying shoes. I like dancing naked in front of my mirror. I like singing with the music. I like making you laugh. I like to hear you talk about me in a good way. I like hugs. I like deep conversations. I like talking. I like writing. I like makeup. I like dating. I like witty banter. I like double-takes when I look pretty. I like green. I like crafts. I like the Simpsons. I like [adult swim]. I like cartoons. I like french fries. I like Spanish men. I love Josh. I like movies. I like kissing in the dark. I like pillow talk. I like Josh's smell. I like liquid fabric softener. I like to clean the bathroom. I like to wash dishes. I like flowers. I like porn. I like pretty dresses. I like sandals in summer. I like feeling skinny. I like juice. I like tomatoes, mushrooms and garlic. I like blogging. I like online games. I like hanging out. I like movie theater popcorn. I like parodies. I like lingerie. I like omelettes. I like paintings. I like plays. I like demonstrations in chemistry. I like public speaking. I like money. I like congratulations. I like Hold 'Em. I like birthdays. I like kittens.

Just felt like thinking of some positive stuff for a change. Things aren't so terrible now, though that could change at any moment. So for a while I'm just going to relax and let my mind wander and rest itself somewhere soft and quiet for a while, in that long-unused happy place inside me. I'll let you know if things stay solid. Meanwhile goodnight.

2005-02-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

People dont' want to be around unhappy people. Maybe that's why I don't have as many friends as I'd like.. cuz I'm too busy spending time being unhappy. Just a thought.

2005-02-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

Today I didn't really do much different except a bit of fasting and purging.. it was kind of weird but I did feel a lot better afterward. And I restricted my caloric intake to approximately 1000 calories, which isn't really that bad. It's not like I have a ton of willpower so that's like awesome for me. I still haven't worked out yet though, but I'm always so lethargic... I kind of want to tell someone about this but I know they'll mostly be upset and treat me like a pariah so it's not worth it. Josh knows obviously but I don't think he knows what to do, which is fine cuz I don't have to change my behavior.. the only problem that may arise is when I go home this weekend my parents are gonna try and make me eat food and I'm probably gonna binge on it and have to purge in secret with the water on or something.. that's not gonna be that fun. I really don't want to drive down after work on Friday cuz I'm usually tired on Fridays and then turn around and drive back on Sunday afternooon.. oh well I guess I don't really have a choice.

I'm tired of being at school with all these kids who are on the right track.. I just want to slap them cuz I'm going at normal pace and they're going faster.. Fuck them. They just make me feel worse about myself. Whatever. I'll be out of here soon.

2005-02-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

I've pretty much given up on seeking outside acceptance here in the blogosphere because I don't read other people's blogs much anymore for one, and for two, wanting to be popular has prevented me from getting everything I want to say from the inside to the outside. That being said, I am not promising myself to write more frequently, or more substantially. It doesn't matter. This is just a soulspeak receptacle, nothing more.

In the interest of the whole truth thing I'm trying to establish, here's some stuff that's been on my mind lately in no particular order:

suicide-- I got a bill for the time I spent in the hospital and it obviously made me want to kill myself all over again.. I sometimes think that would have been better than trying to get help that costs so gd much.. I mean what's the point of staying alive when it will cost you money anyway.. It would have been cheaper to cremate me Jewish-style.

bulimia--I'm upset with my mom again because she said she was okay with my decision to change majors and now she's back to hating me for making bad decisions all the time and costing her tons of money. I can't think of any other way to handle it and I feel so gd frustrated about not having a real direction that I'm eating a lot to feel better.. and it works, which sucks.. cuz afterward I just feel so fucking fat and disgusting so I purge.. not throwing up on a daily basis, except for the past two days that I have.. mostly I use laxatives but they just make me dehydrated. I've been reading pro-ed sites and I know I have to couple that stuff with exercise or it's just not going to work to lose weight and look better which in turn would at least help me feel better about some stuff.. I mean geez does all of life have to suck?

school--I guess I could make mom happy and go to law school or whatever, but if all I do is end up with a job as a press secretary then I've achieved my own goals... I'm thinking about taking the five classes and getting a minor in polisci, then at least I'll be more marketable. And I can be a thin businesswoman. Bonus.

depression--seems like I'm right back where I started.. looking at the chart they had me make while in the nuthouse just seems laughable, not like real solutions. I can't understand why when you love someone you treat them so bad.. myself included, you know? How come we as humans keep hurting each other? Why did I ever cheat on josh if I loved him? Why did I ever think that pushing our relationship out of my mind so I could marry a black guy so society wouldn't look at me so much would work? Why do I judge him about not moving out and driving and debt blah blah when he's comfortable where he is for the time being? And why am I still leaning on him so heavily for support when I know he's got all he needs already? I'm definitely not perfect. And it's not that I dont love him either. I know my behavior hurts him but I keep doing it, just like I keep lying to my parents whom I love and my friends who I care about.. People do suck, and it's sad.

Tomorrow morning (which is today) I'm getting up early to go walk around for a while and see what's up with ann arbor. And I can also get exercise without going to the gym with all the perfect tiny white girls seeing my largeness.

2005-02-13T23:58:00.000-05:00

I know that I've screwed up the college experience and stuff.. I didn't join enough teams or clubs, I don't have an official boyfriend that my parents know about.. I don't have a ton of friends that I hang out with on a daily basis. I don't know what I want to do with my life that will make me super rich and prestigious later on. I major in English which probably won't help me get a good job, and I don't have any prospects lined up for after graduation. My gpa sucks. I will be in debt. I went to an expensive school.

So we've fucking said all that a million times. Can't we just move on?

How come it's so hard to get support from you no matter what happens? I know I keep screwing up and you do'nt trust me, so if you feel that way just cut me off completely and tell me to go to hell so if I want to I can kill myself without feeling guilty about what will happen to you.. you complain that I cost you so much money and pain and heartache but you say I can't kill myself cuz that would hurt you too.. but you won't let me deal with getting better and feeling better about myself because you still think i'm a failure.. you say it's not your fault that I feel this way about myself but you continually say that you don't think I'm good enough, that my decisions are all wrong and that I could have done things better.. well I'm trying.. you never went away to school and you're doing what you want, which didnt necessarily make you a ton of money so why shouldn't I be able to do what I want? Why does it even matter? Why can't you just let me live sometimes without making me feel even worse about stuff than I already do?

I want to be sterilized.

I want to be an editor or something but my mom doesn't think that pays enough money and it's not a good job. She wants me to be a lawyer but I don't want to do that either. So she said if I major in English I have to stay three extra semesters and get some education hours so I can have a job while I'm starving since I obviously won't have a job because of my majoring in English. I hate how she belittles the things I like and want to do.. I hate her sometimes too.

I pretty much hate me on a daily, hourly, second-ly basis too. Fuck us all.

And I'm in the midst of a pregnancy scare, but that was my own dumb fault.

2005-02-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

Things have been alright lately.. I guess I've mostly had my head in the sand, trying to avoid the inevitable. Even though I'm avoiding the sucky stuff for the most part, I know that when everything comes later on it'll really blow. Ah well.

This weekend Josh and I have plans to go to dinner and then hang out a little at his house since I'll be here for actual Valentine's Day. It should be interesting, as we've decided not to spend money on each other as far as purchasing gifts. He's going to dress up a little for me (meaning no jeans and a t-shirt--slacks and a button down, finally) and I'm giving him a massage. I don't have plans for it to be sensual, just a massage that will relax his muscles. You can find anything on the internet, even directions on how to give a first-class massage.

It's funny, but I don't really feel that aura or glow of love surrounding this holiday this year. To be quite honest, I feel rather numb. Instead of indulging this feeling of blah, I've decided to go even deeper into the spirit of love and try my best to make it romantic, etc. Josh and I have plans to read poems to each other and stuff like that. I wrote mine, but it's not very good on account of I just don't feel lovey that way, for some reason. Not that I don't love him, but I just can't wrap my mind around little hearts for a whole weekend. Maybe that means when we get together the day will be way better than either of us expects. That would be good. Anyways...

I suppose I should also talk about how I've decided to go through with the whole not being a doctor thing. It's been at the back of my mind, gnawing away at my sanity as I go through with these science classes and curse myself for not having the desire or the aptitude to finish them. I've told my parents and they are really being supportive right now, which is great. I still feel a little depressed for letting my former self down. But it's about doing something that will make you happy, not necessarily rich and/or stressed beyond belief. And maybe it's better this way; the way I get stressed out, residency would wreak havoc on my poor little brain. Anyway, I guess I'll go to graduate school for English or something and figure out what's going on there... Perhaps I could be an editor for a publishing company.. that would be interesting. I like reading and I tend to finish books at a rapid pace. I'd love to edit romance novels, actually. Oh boy. This whole not knowing where I'm going exactly thing is rather scary.

Welcome to the real world, right?

2005-02-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

In my head I know that things will never be perfect, but for some reason I can't stop myself from expecting the best. There are two ways to look at feeling that way: 1. it's optimism that refuses to quit even after it's been shot down repeatedly or 2. it's stupidity. Being a natural-born semi-pessimist, I call it a little bit of both (but mostly 2).

I have an orgo II test this evening and I'm as ready for it now as I'll ever be. It's funny how procrastinating for one thing can drive you toward another. I've done almost all my homework for all my other classes which included reading a 400pg novel over the weekend, lol, all cuz I didn't want to study for orgo. I did a homework assignment for Ling 212 that won't even be graded, and I've done the other orgo lab homework that I had to do. Yay me. Now if I could only get myself in gear about this paper in Eng 401...

Music helps keep my spirits uplifted. I like to sing as I walk and have people stare. It makes me feel happy inside.

I have no coat in the middle of Michigan winter because the one I had broke yesterday such that I can no longer unzip it. So I will be getting a new one Wednesday night, I guess. But I did finally stock my fridge yesterday, and that is good. So umm, other than that, things are gravy. I love you and be good.

2005-01-30T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hi there. It's your friendly neighborhood Laura here, indulging in some good old-fasioned procrastination. Damn, I never thought I'd escape from studying in a blog entry about absolutely nothing, so in the interest of not wasting your time just cuz I'm wasting mine, here goes:

I'm still on edge about the attractiveness thing. But it's not as though I'm searching for validation from other people such that they have to sit me down and say, "Laura, you are pretty". It's an internal thing I'm struggling with and it will probably just take some time until I come out of this funk about it. Meanwhile, my self esteem looks like one of those dirty dumpsters behind a slaughterhouse--not a pretty picture.

I spent some time with Josh Friday night even though I promised I wouldn't because I was just so happy to be with him. He can be such a wonderful person sometimes (not that he's not all the time) that it just bows my mind. I really love Maroon 5 and Adam Levine, in case you didn't know. So one night I was blathering on about a tour they're doing--the only one of '05--and how I really wanted to go. So I looked up some dates and started talking about it, halfheartedly suggesting that he make it my birthday present. I know he doesn't particularly care for them, or at least he hasn't expressed the interest, but he still hinted that he might go with me! AND what's more, when I woke up the next morning he IMed me a copy of the confirmation--he bought the tickets!! I was so happy happy excited I almost peed myself right then and there. It's my first concert, really, cuz the thing is I always go with ppl to their concerts but it's not music I really like. It's hard not to get carried away with the electricity of the crowd, though, so I always ended up having a good time, but this is different. It's Maroon 5, and I love them! I'm still really excited even though it's not until 4/14.

Josh is such a sweetheart sometimes.. so selfless :) I love him.

Other than that I'm cool, working on school stuff and trying not to end up failing anything hehe. So that means I better study. I guess I'll ttyl everyone. Perhaps, if you're good, you'll get more later.

2005-01-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

I know you didn't think I'd have time to squeeze you in today, but magically I found half an hour between classes. Yay.

I don't have much for your perusing pleasure today, kids... just complaints, and if you wanted that you'd have mulled over your own thoughts for the day. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

Oh, there is some interesting stuff I should probably mention... I'm actually questioning some things in my personal life--namely, my sexuality. I identify as a heterosexual woman but I can't shake the nagging curiosity about bisexuality. It really does nag at me, honestly. So.. I was kind of bold and nerdy and put up a profile on this website telling everybody I was bi-curious. Thankfully the website's not all cheap and skanky, so there's the possibility that I could just meet people for friendship's sake and share my curiosity with them and vice versa. All the same, it's a really scary thing to admit to yourself, not to mention other people, when you're considering something that's not the societal norm (though in recent years I suppose society has become a little more lenient. still, the stigmas are attached though).

My intent by divulging such personal information about myself is not to alienate anyone. I hope that if you felt uncomfortable you can take some time off and return to this blog later. Meanwhile, I'm going to do the best I can to be myself and not make apologies for that. So peace out; I got class in half an hour.

2005-01-24T01:37:00.000-05:00

For some strange reason, I feel my nerves all knotted up. I've been stressing myself out about things that don't deserve a second thought, but you know me... there's always something.

I don't feel pretty lately. It's probably due to the fact that I haven't spent any time with Josh in the past week and usually being with him cheers me up concerning my appearance. But I'm a big enough girl to make it to this coming weekend without going nuts and feeling like a disgusting freak.

Dunno if I told you, but I recently ordered some appetite suppressant/fat burner. It's helping somewhat, but that may be due to a placebo effect. I'm much more aware of how much I'm taking in my body which kinda helps me keep a handle on how much I'm eating. I don't think I've lost any weight though; all clothes feel just as tight as they did before. Whatever. If it's meant to come off, it will. I might start exercising in the evenings--I just wish there were a gym closer. Anyways, if I set some time up later I might be able to do that... I could go after I go to my study group at 6. Lemme write myself a note about that.

Until then, I'm gonna concentrate on clearing my mind about all the stuff that doesn't matter: racism, not feeling pretty or smart, not having money.. and I'm gonna relax and rock out until I'm sleepy. Smell ya later.

2005-01-22T19:58:00.000-05:00

For years I've been trying to shake myself hard enough to realize that I can't keep rehearsing the past. But I know me probably better than anyone, which means I know better than anyone that I won't listen to even myself.

*sigh* I've been stupid when it's come to things like romance and love. In all honesty, I'm just a really talented girl with an overactive imagination. When I spend my time with my nose buried in a romance novel, I'm not just reading. I'm living through the protagonist, experiencing all the uncertainties, fears and joys that she is. And every time I resurface in the real world I'm looking to recreate that story. That means that when I think about the number of times I've been in love, the number dramatically decreases. What I get now that I didn't get before was that I have been in love with the idea of being in love for such a long time that the distinctions between the two have blurred almost to the point of being undistinguishable. I've wished for a life that could never exist outside of ink and paper and pretty much shit on the one that I've had for the past 19 years, claiming it wasn't "perfect" like the ones in books. Here, everything doesn't work out alright, and there isn't always a sense of closure at the end of a chapter.

When I was young and naive, I went about like a newly-emerged butterfly. I was pretty and smart with a heart too quickly warmed and an acid tongue. I was ready to give more of myself as I had just separated my childhood feelings from my adult aspirations. I was trying to define myself as a heroine in my own novel, and all I ended up doing was hurting a lot of people that I care about. I spent years living for immediate gratification, and for the most part, people were out of sight and out of mind with me. I hated my parents for wanting to keep me locked up and safe, and I hated myself even more for not making the life I thought I wanted for myself.

I was really stupid. But that doesn't mean I'm still that way. The older I get the more I realize that what I've said and done have hurt people. The last thing I want is for that to continue. It just seems like there's no redemption for me sometimes, and the only thing I've learned from the past, like, five years of adolescent life is that I need to be absolutely sure what love is before I utter those three words to another person one more time. Sometimes I feel like I have a handle on it, but other times I don't. And I just can't stand the thought of making another person believe he's safe in my love when he doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.

I just cannot relive the past. I can't deal with anymore hidden pain from the things I've experienced, and I refuse to let them hold me back from what I want to become. I can be more than just a romantic heroine because life is more than romantic love. And when I understand love I'm sure I can provide it to someone else, disciplining my phsyical and emotional self such that when my needs aren't immediately being met I won't let the daydreams of that perfect charming guy come in and unravel all that I've struggled to hold together in a relationship. I don't know good a lover I am though. I've been so selfish for so long it's hard to imagine giving anything to another person at my own expense. Geez, there's a lot more to learn. Maybe it would have been easier if I'd stayed a virgin up to this point, but I guess we'll never know.

2005-01-21T20:11:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been spending a bit of time thinking about the next step on the pathway of life. Right now I'm in the second semester of my junior year of undergrad here at U of M, with a cumulative GPA of 2.8 and a few activities under my belt, including some future prospects, i.e. RA in Barbour/Newberry next year. The time has come (if it hasn't come already) to make sure that all pieces of my life are in place such that I can sell myself to the board of admissions for medical schools at the end of the winter semester 2006. Actually, it will be sooner than that, which makes me more than a little nervous.

Going into medicine has been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I could always see myself helping other people in that manner because it was something they would need and would come to me for. That way, I could help them without it being invasive, you know, because they sought me, etc. Something about that has always appealed to me. Initially I wanted to go into pediatrics because I wanted to help fellow children like myself; however, once I grew up and realized I didn't like kids all that much, things changed. Now I'm really interested in obstetrics and gynecology. I think it'd be awesome to facilitate the birthing process, experiencing growth on a daily basis. Not only that, but I see there are lots of women in the world who are totally clueless about their bodies because not enough research has been done in that area.. Not that I want to do research, but I want to bring what research has been done to the masses and educate, primarily. Through the spyglass of my mind I see myself opening my own ob/gyn practice with an attached counseling pavilion in order to provide a place where not only women but also men and families can come and gain the tools they need to be healthy physically and mentally. And I'd like to do the high school circuit, educating classes on their options when it comes to sex and contraception. That seems like such a rewarding prospect, you know?

I know that those are lofty goals when I consider what I'm working with now as far as collegiate performance. For one, I'm an English major. That hasn't stopped anyone so far, but my performance in science has definitely been lacking, not to mention the fact that I've procrastinated in biochemistry and two semesters of physics with their labs because I'm scared witless of going into a den of lions and being eaten alive. I often find myself wondering if careers are something to which people are A. called and B. given natural ability. If simply A., then I should be doing much better because I think this is what I was put on earth to do. If simply B., then I may as well surrender my white flag right now. If both, then I have no clue what to do except press on and see what happens, for better or worse. If I don't make it into med school, perhaps I can get a graduate degree and work as a GSI until I get my PhD or something. But I can't imagine whiling away my time among books and writing tablets. I love English, but in my heart I don't think that's enough to satisfy me.

Maybe that means I'm the kind of person who wants a challenge. That's what I got when I came to U of M, to be sure. Getting in was easy, I thought. But staying here has been the real challenge. I doubt that medical school will be as easy an attempt, though, and that has my teeth chattering and my hair standing on end. As time draws me closer to the dreaded MCAT, I'm wondering what it will reveal. And I'm wondering if it means I have what it takes to make a good doctor. Ugh.. so many questions swim around in this little aquarium I call my brain.

This weekend I assume will find me studying the second semester of organic chem. It's not fun, but it's a necessary evil in order to get to where I need to be. And I hope that this nervous/cautious optimism will last through the end of the semester.

For once, this isn't a post about romance. As a matter of fact, while I have been feeling a little lonely, I don't think I've really been interested much in romance. That could be a temporary thing due to the cycles of the moon and the female body, but whatever. Time will tell.

2005-01-14T01:47:00.000-05:00

Today one of my friends point blank asked me the address of my blog. Wisely, I denied them and I feel a lot better. It's weird enough just knowing that Josh reads this which subconsciously curtails what I say, and I don't think I could handle writing around another critic.

School is picking up right where it left off, with lots and lots of work. Thursdays are the worst: I'm outside from 8am-4pm with only, like, two half hour breaks, only they don't afford me enough time to get something to eat or relax or anything like that. Drag.

Yesterday I got a chance to talk to one of the girls on the hall about some of the problems going on in her life.. she cried and everything, but I think she left here feeling better than she did. I encouraged her to relax and talk to her bf and things would work out better for her. I hope she found the solution to what's been going on in her life. She actually helped me too by recommending the Nuvo ring as a bc option. I've never known anybody who actually uses the ring, but it seems pretty convenient with three weeks on and one week off (like most bc stuff that's going on externally: pills, patch, etc). She also told me it's really affordable with a prescription through UHS here, which is an added plus. And I definitely need to get some better coverage. So many people are getting pregnant around me and whether I get fatter or not, it's not worth attaching a life to me for 18+ more years.. crazy.

Well I'm gonna go look up that info, then hit the hay. I still got class at 9am tomorrow morning. Later.

2005-01-10T23:41:00.000-05:00

I haven't been around in a while, folks.. Things have been fine. Classes are alright so far, trying not to get left behind or anything in orgo II.. I'm eating a lot lately and itching due to dryness.. blah blah. Don't know why I have so little to say to you all.. it's weird. Maybe more later, darlings.

2005-01-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't been here in a while, I know. We don't have to talk about that. But anyway, there's nothing new here except snow.

Relationship with Josh is fine for the time being.. I'm feeling pretty even-tempered now I guess, bored, indulging my cravings instead of fighting them.

Guess I have much less to say than I thought.

My friend Josh Allen is on Jeopardy.. he goes to U of So. Cal and is that black actor guy in case you need to identify him. As you know, he's hella smart. So when you see him, cheer in your heart cuz you know someone who knows him. And then watch in amazement as he kicks ass and takes names.

Anyway that is all. Perhaps more later in the week. Bye bye.

2005-01-06T00:41:00.000-05:00

This post comes from Ann Arbor, folks. That's right; we're back here for round two of junior year and I'm hoping things will be a lot better. I finally got around to writing down some resolutions in the hopes that writing them down will help me keep them straight in my head as well. They include things from treating myself better as far as eating more fruit and veggies to trying not to raise my voice when in a heated discussion. I think I should also try to cry less, too.

This morning I woke up in Josh's bed for the first time in about 2 weeks or so, which was nice. We spent the previous evening together and I was supposed to go home at around 1 but we ended up falling asleep as usual. He woke me up with kisses everywhere, which was just lovely, but it still didn't change the fact that there were like 3 or 4 inches of snow on the ground outside for me to drive home in before my class at 9am. I fishtailed a little but made it in good time, so things were fine. I only had one class because the other two were cancelled, yay.. but that doesn't leave me with a great feeling about the next week once labs and discussions and such go into effect.

I went to Bible study tonight and shared my whole suicide thing with them--needless to say I cried when I talked about it--and they were very receptive to it. This one girl Ingrid actually came up to me later and told me she'd been going through some of the same things and we exchanged numbers and will probably hang out sometime. That's nice to know that other people are out there to support you even if they don't know you all that well. Some people are generally just good people.

*sigh* I don't know if there's much else to say as far as emotional stuff. I finally hooked up my flat panel monitor and cleared up a slew of space on my desk, which is excellent. Then again, the more space I have, the more cluttered I live my life. Ah well.

In keeping with my resolution, tomorrow I'm gonna get up early enough to get my hands on some fresh fruit with breakfast. Sweet dreams and pleasant tomorrow, all.

2005-01-04T02:38:00.000-05:00

Warning: for those of you not equipped to handle my sexuality, I advise you to skip this post and maybe check back in tomorrow or something when I'm feeling a little less sexy.

But I'm glad you stayed. :) It should get interesting.

I just wanted to say that music is a very sexy thing. At times, even without words, a singer's voice can make a girl feel things that she hasn't felt in a long time, or things that she's never felt before. Personally, I enjoy music that's got a little compositional sophistication. I'll listen to pretty much anything that sounds good and find myself ignoring the words and just groovin' to the beat and the music of whatever it is. Later on, after the song is jammed in my mind like a fat kid's hand in a cookie jar, I go to look up the lyrics and find it's all about killing babies and raping ducks or something and then I'll feel kind of stupid. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. But anyway, sometimes the lyrics aren't as good as just the music. I should start buying instrumental versions of stuff...

That said, I really do enjoy Maroon 5's work. If they ever have time to jump on the internet and read random blogs (which, them being very famous I highly doubt), I pray they find their way to this little spot and read just how much I love what they do. See, to me, when a man is musical, he is hott. And whether he looks like Adonis or a butt-ugly ratface, he is hott and can get chicks. I don't think men understand that about me or they would all go get musical training, thereby securing the panty drawers. Anyway, Maroon 5 just has this sensual element in all of their songs that makes me inadvertently wish that I could, like, make out with Adam (at the very least). His voice is like warmed up taffy or molasses or something with a very low viscosity that drips slowly down my spine and you could trace the trail with your tongue or something. And then I turn into this huge puddle on the floor.. I can't help singing with them, either. And I listen again and again to the same song over and over until I've memorized each fluctuation of his voice.

To get a little graphic, I've never had sex to music, but to Maroon 5's stuff I think I might be able to. Even though I have a one-track mind in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say, I think their stuff would kinda get inside of you and become part of the rhythm of the whole act. They just ooze a dark room lit by nothing but raspberry-scented candles, maroon silk and gold trimmings. Being an English major, I have a very vivid imagination and I see that whole scene turning into something way steamier than daytime soap pillow talk. Ugh. I need to get laid.

In other news, I'm heading back to campus tomorrow (which is actually today now, since it's 2am CST) around 10:30 or so. The trip should be smooth assuming we don't get anymore of that cold cold rain which I hate so much. I definitely need to do some cleaning of my room; I'm sure it's an absolute mess. Anyways, I should get to bed and everything. 'Night, and have a good day.

2004-12-31T22:07:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to leave the year without making one final post for 2004...

Gotta say, much more jaded and confused about life than I was. Not at all optimistic. More like letting it ride until another bump in the road comes, and I really have no idea what that means for me in 2005.

The Boy and I are supposedly back together, dunno if I told you that. I had a chat with my friend last night and he is still trying to cajole me into seeing him (naked) before I go back to school. Nothing's changed; it's as bad an idea now as it was before, so no worries.

The 'rents are nagging me about wearing my hair naturally. I am not bending on that subject though. It's my hair and I can wear it however I want. Whatever.

2004 was interesting and we'll see how this next year goes. My GPA went up, so that's a good sign. And as far as resolution goes, I'm gonna try and treat you better in 2005. Plus I'm gonna try and eat more fruit (or at the very least, more fruit-flavored things, lol). So, "though old acquaintance be forgot and never blah blah blah" and everything else. Talk to you again next year, y'all.

2004-12-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

Oftentimes I'm reminded of why I should have allowed merely the faceless people of the internet to read my online journal. The knowledge that Josh reads only brings me a bit of annoyance, especially when he asks questions from information he's gotten exclusively from my journal. *sigh* In these cases, telling the whole truth about how I feel comes back to bite me in the butt.

For example, when I wrote about how I feel about my friend and my attraction to him, I think Josh kind of got the idea that I was going to do something drastic because I said I was rebounding. Well, we did kinda talk online so I'm not going to say he got all that information from reading my journal, but the background stuff was from blogger.

I said all this to say that he and I are supposed to be getting back together, but I'm not convinced that he really wanted to, more like he was afraid that if we didn't I'd go ahead and just sleep with my friend even though I know he doesn't care about me in the slightest, and the thought of "losing" me to him would drive Josh insane. They have a mutual dislike for each other because of me. Anyways, Josh called me and was like he was going to ask me to get back together. He says he can't stop thinking about me and that I'm always on his mind, he wants me, etc. I just wonder what about all the stuff he said about being sure, or wanting to have more experience with dating, etc. It seems like nothing has changed between us, and I'm just not sure that things are going to permanently be different from here. If you were to ask me what I want, I'd say that I really do want him but I just believe that it is impossible for us to really work out, especially with the way I feel about my parents and the rest of the world. I'm not a fighter anymore... I can't handle the pressure of convincing my parents that Josh is a good and worthy person, and that I'm willing to be with him even if it means losing the relationship I have with them. Truth is, I'm not even sure I'm willing to do that myself. The best thing for me now is probably not to be in a relationship at all, but I just miss Josh so damn much I can't stand it.

So where does that leave me now? Pretty much in the same predicament that I was in before. I feel like I should be fine, and people are expecting me to be better, but I just can't get my emotions straightened out. I'm still sad for no reason and I would like to be happier.. it's weird and pretty sad. Oh well.

I didnt' do much today except clean, so not much to talk about there. Oh, my friend asked me to hang out but I told him it wasn't a good idea because of what I talked about with Josh. So I've been good, at least for today. So later everybody.

2004-12-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

Today went alright, but then again I felt like some issues I have with my mom resurfaced. Sometimes I don't feel like she lets me be an adult. Not that I ask to go on ski trips with guy friends or drink and party on weekends, but I do want to have a bit more freedom as far as when I have to go and come and the conditions surrounding that. Sometimes it seems like she treats Jonathan like more of an independent citizen than me and since I feel I'm more responsible than he, it's kind of a problem when I feel like I'm getting treated like a baby.

I went out with three old friends from hs today and we ended up having a lot of fun and laughs, which I missed a lot. I feel like all this is just reintroducing me to society and I'm not sure how I feel about that. *sigh*

What complicates things a bit for me is my strong attraction to one of the friends I hung out with today. He's 20 and no good for me emotionally but it's fun hanging out with him because he's like a spark, vibrant and bright, but never lasting very long. I know all that in my head but the rest of me feels a sort of mild glow when he's around. Ugh thinking about it makes me sad that I can't really feel like I control myself. Not that I've knocked him down and jumped his bones but the fact that I still want someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with anything above my neck makes me cringe inside. I am definitely rebounding from this thing with Josh, and talking to him on a daily basis sort of holds me in check I suppose--the hope that we'll get back together. If it weren't for that I would probably just be sleeping around to fill that void because I feel so lonely, sad, etc. One day it will be easier for me to feel like a person even though I don't have a boyfriend, but right now I can't seem to find anything about myself that I truly like. So...

I suppose I've poured my heart out enough for one evening.

2004-12-28T03:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't been around these parts in so long it's almost foreign to me. I spent the holidays at my aunt's house in Las Vegas, so Christmas was relatively warm for us there. It was funny to watch the locals all bundled up with hats, scarves, gloves, and thick sweaters in 45-degree weather. I was wearing a nice light spring leather jacket and an I'm-heartier-than-you smile.

If you can believe it, yup, I'm still alive even after Christmas. There were some rough spots being home before we left for Vegas on Thursday, but with a little bit of staying in my room and hiding, I was able to make it. Once Christmas came, things were a bit better. I got wayyyy more crap than I expected, and I thought we were poor because of me! It was a real nice surprise. My grandma bought me some pajamas and even though it sounds really cliche (I know there's supposed to be an accent aigu over that e but I'm on a laptop now), they were friggin awesome blue fleece that I never ever wanted to take off. My uncle bought me a cool gift--he's never really bought me anything--which was unexpected. And I got other nameless stuff that turned out to be great because I came to Christmas expecting to unload more than I loaded up. We had to even bring an extra bag home with us to pack all the stuff we racked up. Yay. And when I got home this morning at 2am CST there was another gift waiting for me on my bed. Woohoo.

As far as living life goes, I think I'm okay for the time being. It's amazing how sometimes being with family can be an okay place for you to recharge your batteries a little. Of course there are always the usual spats, but besides that, it's alright. I feel more rested and a lot less stressed than I did when I was in Ann Arbor. Of course, all that stuff will still be there waiting for me when I return, so I dunno how comforting that is... hehe.

Josh and I chat almost regularly still... It's painful talking to him sometimes, and I find myself wondering somewhere in the back of my mind about what's going on in his love life, whether he's happier without what we had going... I don't know. This is an inappropriate time for me to date; I know that deep inside. I don't even want to anyway because we all know that men are scary and stupid and should be avoided until we can make superior dildos such that we don't need them anymore. Take them all to sperm banks when they're 17 if you wanna have a baby--then get rid of 'em. The world would be a much better place. Despite my man-hating bravado facade, I still miss the hell out of Josh and memories of being with him just make me feel sad. And then I get headaches, which doesn't help anything. So I usually just try not to think about him, which works about as well as a bull in a china shop.

Of course I'm dissatisfied, you know, but I suppose that this little period has taught me that that's no real reason to stop living. And alot of times I really don't want to continue but it would hurt a heckuva lotta people if I didn't. And even more than that I'm sure I'd miss out on some really nice things about life. To be honest with myself though, I won't make any plans for anything longer than I'm sure I can make this work.

I'm gonna chill awhile before going to pick up my aunt from the airport.

2004-12-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt like writing in a long time, but I do feel the need to let everyone know that I'm not dead at this point and time. I did spend a bit of time in the hospital because they thought I was dangerous to myself, but I never actually did anything overtly. I experimented a little with pills but never actually attempted suicide with them--just experimented. And it's not to say that now that I'm out I don't feel like killing myself anymore, but I know better than to blast that all over everywhere. People always want to intervene.

Josh and I are broken up until further notice and it bums me out more than I even thought it would. He wants the experience of dating other women just "to make sure this is right" and I'm pretty much miserable about it. It's not that great when you're depressed already... Anyways there's a lot more to tell but I don't have the stamina to go there. Maybe I'll fill you in more on life a bit later.

2004-12-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

Psycho Babble by Laura F.

When they gave me the meds my troubles were over
My darkest days were done
I flew high into health on wings of wax,
Just a little too close to the sun

2004-12-06T01:50:00.000-05:00

couldn't sleep, yet more rambling in my head I had to write down before I forgot it.

The Nutcase's Lament by Laura F.

Something inside me has darker urges:
An unquenched desire for total inversion.
It starts in my feet, works its way upward,
the goal: utter chaos, anarchy, an uproar.

It fits its dark fingers in my toes, like a glove,
Pulling and stretching, aiming somewhere above
Out through my mouth it pulls my entrails--
all my insides--and shit, it hurts like hell.

Now my body's all wrong; this is really fucked up!
My bones are all outside-- say I suddenly ruptured
a vein, you would see it--I'm going nuts!
There's blood all 'round out there and so are my guts.

Inside I see darkness, the back of my head.
Someone please save me or soon I'll be dead!
The docs there, they call it descent into madness,
But if you were inside-out you too'd feel some "sadness".

I'm not making sense; believe me--I know.
You may as well burn this...you may as well go.
This case's hopeless and helpless. That you can see.
Don't waste precious time saving a nutcase like me.

2004-12-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

I like this website.

2004-12-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

On the outside I'm witty and upbeat, even insightful. I hope that it's clever enough to keep everyone at bay. I don't want to be forced to talk about anything. Because on the inside I'm preoccupied with death. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I actually took the final step and did what I've been thinking about so long. I wonder what people would say.. they would be shocked because I do know that you're supposed to talk to someone if you feel these thoughts, but I know the truth of what would happen--they would thwart my plans and keep me in a cage, and all I've been planning would just end in more loss. And what do I need that for? Isn't it the very think I've been trying to get out of?

I told Josh those things I wanted to say, and now there's nothing left to talk about. Even though he hates it, I ask him those little questions I still want to know about him. If I kill myself that will probably be the last thoughts on my mind--him.

My mind just went blank. I have to think some more.

Oh right. I was going to say that if I stayed around he would be constantly tied down to a woman who had issues and that's no good.. I was reading literature for people who cope with suicidal people.. it's an emotional drain. Can you imagine if we still were in each other's lives and he had to deal with this all the time? and if I got help I'd be tied to fucking pills to simulate happiness, and hed' be tied to a girl who was tied to artificial happiness, and that isn't healthy. And if we had kids they would have a crazy mother. That's not right. I dont want that for anybody. It would be better if I just got out of the way.

I told him I would not try to hurt myself until after I saw him again. Maybe part of it is to just see him.. I am scared of what will happen when I go through that really low part again, like last night, and even though I'm a little up from last night I dont know when it will come again and I dont want to leave without making sure that I hugged him and told him face to face that I am so sorry for all the bad things...

After I talked to him last night i tried to go to bed but then got up and got chips and a candy bar for some reason and of course bp.. it hurt again but I fought it and played poker wiht him and then lay down for a while until I fell asleep... I woke up with headache and nausea but I ate two slices of pizza at a hall meeting and a mountain dew and it is sitting in a bubble right at the top of my stomach threatening me.. I looked up diets today and found one where I could eat 650 calories in three meals. I dont think I could stick to it, but i dont know. Icould try tomorrow before I see him, we're supposedto go to the movies or something and dinner before..

He said last night that it would kill a part of him if I killed myself and I cried in the bathroom while I peed then showered.. I laid on the floor for a while and then he called me I guess he thought I was gonna hrt myself but I dindt.. I thought I was gonna hurt myself too but I didn't.. I just bp and felt somewhat better after. I havent bp so much in a long time.. I dont think ever. but I might do it today.. I talked to this kid I used to talk to Johann, I think he's from Canada or washington state.. I asked him if he was ever depressed or suicidal and he said yes, he said I should live but I dn't know if he really undersatnds what the problem is.. Josh and I talked a really long time last night and he said hes not afraid of me, b ut I told him I'm afraid of myself I know that if the mood I get into when I bp is what it will be like when I try to hurt myself I can't stop it and probably won't stop until I cant anymore, and that is a really scary thought.. that part of me is a train with no brakes and the other part is like fingernails trying to grab hold of the dirt behind the speeding train--its not gonna work. I j ust try to ride and maybe slow it down a little or at least make sure the passengers brace for impact but we'll see what happens to them.. I will miss Josh. I miss him right now. I hope tomorrow is nice I will try not to be moribd.

2004-12-04T21:47:00.000-05:00

I've felt sick all day today.. queasy and headaches.. my eyes hurt. My brother called and told me that mom and dad are mad at me for something, that I'm in trouble and I better call home.. but he always says that when he leaves messages so I am not calling. It just makes me nervous. And I don't want to talk to them anyway..

I thought about writing something to Josh today but changed my mind. What if after that I felt clearance to go? I watched a play where a girl got strangled.. that doesn't seem like it hurts too much, that could work. Nobody would be willing to help me do that though. Olivia would get As this semester if I went ahead and did it, I think.

2004-12-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

I have become so many things that I have feared. There was a time when reaching deep inside was cathartic and helped to ease my pain; once I broke the surface of the scar the blood ran thick and red. There was life there and I longed to let it run freely. The proverbial well is dry now and I can't find any water to ease the passage of food down my throat, let alone blood or even tears. They won't come. I tried crying last night and got out about three drops before my ducts dried, then my cheeks dried.

I am hard and dry, windblown, unaffixed. Every morning I wake with the alarm because that is the custom. I drag myself to the closet and put on whatever I can find.. underwear and socks first, then pants and a shirt. I put on a sweatshirt and a coat and go to class. I sit and read lips because I can't really focus on words anymore.. if you smile when people smile they won't ask you questions.. perhaps they think you got the joke. I field questions with "I'm fine" and that works pretty well--nobody wants to know how you really are anyway.

Last night I bp for the first time in a while but instead of feeling guilty I felt a little better. It was strange, kind of liberating. The last time I tried it hurt my stomach so much I had to lay down for a while, but this time I just pushed past the pain and did it anyway and it got easier the more I did it. I ate a bagel today and a lemon bar from someone at work. It tasted fine, and the lemon bar had coconut in it. I will give away the rest of my oreos because they turn your tongue black and I'm sick of the way they taste.

I talked to the financial aid office again today to find out if the lady It alked to before was just a bitch, and it turns out she's not--I have exhausted all money readily available to me. All that's left now is private loans that my parents will have to co-sign for, and they won't do that so I am sol. I have no idea what to do or say to them and I don't think I can handle getting yelled at right now so for now I will be quiet about it.

I thought about calling and talking to my dad today and telling him about how I've been feeling. But my parents yell a lot. If I told them I felt suicidal they would make me come home and that would be worse because they would watch me all the time to make sure I didn't, and that would certainly send me over the edge.

I feel nauseous today, like yesterday.. don't know why.

2004-12-02T20:55:00.000-05:00

theres no place to be alone at college when you really want to. my roommate has her friends over multiple times per week and theyre always loud and it gets on my nerves sometimes when i just want to be alone... they come in and whisper really loud when im trying to sleep and then i wake up and get annoyed. so whatever.

i looked at pictures of human skulls today and it scared me even more. i also looked at aspirin-induced suicides and they say that its really dangerous and if you dont do it successfully you can really hurt yourself.. well isnt that the whole point? and if I tried this and like failed at it that would be super stupid and i would feel completely and totally liek crap. my cousin tried to killhimself using aspirin and someone found him in time and they made him stay under observation for a few days and my whole family talked about him.. my familya lways talks about each other and it sucks so much.

but then again they dont really like me anyways--at least not the extended family.

i have to go to bed at 12 at the latest because i have to work tomorrow at 8 and call the financial aid office to see if someone will even try toh elp me find some moeny. but they are stupid assholes anyway so whatever. thats it. I'm nauseous and sleepy but there are people in my room so i can't sleep.

I dreamt last night that i was pregnant with Josh's baby but i didn't want it and kept trying to kill it by falling down stairs and sitting down really hard (it seems real stupid in retrospect but it was logical in the dream). I dont really remember where Josh was in the dream but he was somewhere looming there and i kept tihnking how maybe it would be be tter under other circumstances but since he doesnt want me right now and were not together that i dont want to have a baby that reminds me of him even more because it would suck. and i also was dreaming about wearing a blue ballgown that was really ugly because I couldnt fit into anything else and I was crying because I hated it..

i just want everything to go away and not hve to worry about the same thing for another year.. feeling better about myself, finding money for school, getting yeleld at by my prents about not finding money for school, worrying whether or ont its ok for me and josh to be together or whether or not we love each other or if things will work out. it just fucking sucks so much but i'm stuck living in it unless something happens.

2004-12-02T01:09:00.000-05:00

i cant even think of what to write except that i actually looked up methods of suicide today and I'm ashamed to say that.. the only thing is I'm way too scared to even try any of that stuff beca use the pictures look reallys cary.. its just that i feel headaches a lot and like crying bt i don't have any tears in my tearducts or whatever so that's it.. i wish i kept a private blog that people couldnt read buti just felt like posting something to keep my hadns busy ofr a while.

2004-11-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I've felt regret over lots of things in my life thus far. But after that initial inward cringe wears off, all I feel is stupid and hurt. Believe it or not, most of my mistakes are not due to me not knowing any better. Everybody's always said that I'm a smart girl. And my memory is nowhere near as bad as I pretend--as a matter of fact it's excellent. I always seem to remember every single thing I've done wrong. But as I said, most of my mistakes aren't because I didn't know better. Actually, there have always been signs whenever I shouldn't have done something, from things like taking the wrong expressway to my mom coming home early. I'm a stubborn girl so I always persist doing those things even through obstacles. Tenacity in all the wrong places, you see.

One day I will grow up and stop persisting with things that are bad ideas. I usually ignore my gut feelings and go ahead with whatever I want, but one day, one day I will make things different.

I hate being cryptic so often in this blog. The thing about letting people you know in on your personal life is that they will inevitably ask questions. I hate that so much... So fuck it, I am going to say what I want anyway. If you don't like me afterward you can go fuck yourself with a hot curling iron.

I begged Josh on Sunday night to let me come see him because as we all know I have an addiction to him. He was very cool at first and said that he didn't really know, what was my schedule, etc. So I begged him--yeah, I begged--to let me come out. This is after I broke up with him last Thursday (the 18th). I came over and we watched part of Man on Fire and then we ended up sleeping together even though I didn't initiate it. I guess part of me knew that it would happen that way anyway even though i didn't plan on it. And then he said he thought I should leave before it happened again and I thought, what are we, casual fucks now? And it's never been that way--at least not with him--and it hurt my feelings so much that I tried even harder to get him to see that us being together that way isn't a mistake.. But it was a mistake because he told me that he still needed time. And then I felt like well damn I should probably go home. But then that stupid persistend fucking girly emotional part of me is like, don't reject me love me please I need you to because nobody else can or will! And so I spent the night over his house and woke up at 10:30. He wanted me to leave so I could go to class cuz he's all about not being an enabler or whatever.. and I fought him off for a while because we were up til like 4am and i didnt sleep much and just generally didnt want to leave because despite everything I still like being with him.. then I was like fuck it and fuck you if you want me to go I will go and without a word I just left. I'm still angry and I hate myself for being so damn emotional about this whole thing.. i wish i could say that i never want to ever go over there or see him again or be with him because it's just so damned frustrating that i feel like a godddamned second string player and i wish i could just turn off my heart and run completely on brain and fuck who I want when i want and not have it turn into a conversation about either Jesus or me being a slut.. i dont want to have to turn to overeating to help me cope with all this garbage either.. i wish i could have some willpower and control over something and starve myself to death just to prove that i could do something all the way to the end and that would be like a giant "fuck you world!" and that would make me feel good. I want to have money to throw at problems and maket hem go away. i want to be a bitch and not care about who loves me or likes me or who doesnt. i want people to cram it with walnuts and dont waste my time or theirs with pity. and if things don't change inthe next few days I am going to do somethig drastic but i dont know what that is yet. but it will probably involve something sharp.

2004-11-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

I feel washed out today, tired, like an old smelly wet rag.

This morning I woke up and realized that I couldn't move my car because I didn't have my car keys. And I couldn't re-enter my dorm because my brother who had driven me here last night still had my keys and M-card, what I need to get in the dorm. You know me; I totally freaked out this morning and must've called him like 12 times so he'd wake up. Sure enough he did and brought my stuff back, so it all worked out.

Even still, I feel shitty.

And I kind of feel pathetic. I've been begging Josh to let me see him this evening after he gets off work, which I totally know I shouldn't do when I'm the one who said I need a break and all.. I know that it's totally pathetic and that makes me a loser, but whatever. I'm mostly trying to convince myself that all I need is to be alone and not bother him or anyone else with my issues right now, but it's hard being so damned lonely. I don't even have the desire to talk to anyone else right now.

It gets easier and easier to understand why it is that people kill themselves. Geez, living is so damned hard.

I think I'll take a shower soon.